All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Many Dearly Departed Still on Facebook
A host of deceased individuals continue to be listed as Facebook friends despite the fact that they have crossed over behind the looking glass. Whether they are in heaven or hell does not seem to matter.
Facebook claims an ungodly number of subscribers all over the world and, yes, many are six feet under. Internet regulators have continually promised to examine the rosters and many consumer groups have repeatedly called for action.
“It’s bad enough people spend hours per day reading these posts but now they may be sharing their thoughts with dead people (which is against the law in 14 states and 2 territories). No one knows if the deceased revel in tart, brilliant political jousting, force poorly conceived opinions on others of simply like to look at cats and dogs on-line.
One particularly amusing post stated simply: “You think you have problems? I’m dead.”
The social media giant claims it cannot regulate every aspect of Facebook. It called on the departed to de-friend and terminate the relationship by pushing several buttons and waiting for a final response before leaving the planet for greener pastures.
“It’s the very least they can do,” said a spokesman for Facebook.
– Fred Zeppelin
No Answers on Mass Destruction of Trump Properties
(Seoul) After the flattening of at least four gala Trump properties across the globe authorities are still combing ground zero sites searching for answers in the rubble. On the heels of these odd climate muggings, trusted weather experts now tell us that these environmental mutilations have been joined by three others: One in Mumbai (heat wave, drought, landslides): one in New Jersey (earthquake) and one here in Seoul, South Korea (volcanic eruption).
Here, like the other obliterations, the outbursts and rage limited their reach to the acreage and possessions of the Trump empire. No nearby buildings or facilities were touched. Magnetic fields, instinctive blowback or very bad karma are now in the limelight as the often-turbulent investigation continues. Rumors circulating the White House suggest that the president will fire his entire Cabinet in response to these dreadful occurrences.
Border Collie Marks Bronco Victories
(Gunnison) Bingo, a six-year-old border collie may be instrumental in Bronco wins. Over the past 4 years he has only missed two televised games…both were losses for the orange and blue.
Bingo gets it together moments before kickoff
He is no flash in the pan.
“15 minutes prior to kickoff he starts barking at the TV,” says owner Marvin Marmot of Antelope Hills.
According to Marmot the gifted animal doesn’t have the patience to watch the tail end of other games and often growls at those fans. During commercials he leaves the room. Even though he cannot use the clicker he watches it at all times and guards it so no one can change the channel.
Then at kickoff of the Denver game he is in a canine trance watching intently in his Bronco bed with his Bronco dish full and Bronco leash at the door. He even wears an official cap and number 58 jacket for away games. During pre-season he gave a Bronco stadium blanket to the household cat, reputed to be an ex-Raider fan.
When the game has been decided (won) Bingo looks away from the screen, drops his ears and calmly walks to the door to be let out. Just another day in Bronco Collie Land. When the team loses the behavior is much he same, albeit forced.
Say what you like but Team is 39 – 0 when Bingo watches. The two games he missed were shabby losses to the Eagles and the Steelers during the once-mandatory sheep dog trials in Hotchkiss.
In other sports, Senate Democrats say Supreme Quart Justice, Brett Kavanaugh, allowed Trump to win at golf over 20 times since January of 2017. He then lied about it, they say.
– Suzie Compost
GHOST OF UPTON SINCLAIR GETS TICKET
(Telluride) The ghost of writer Upton Sinclair, who while alive penned such classics as The Jungle and The Dragon’s Teeth is contesting a parking ticket received on South Fir Street Thursday. Sinclair, who is reportedly in town gathering evidence for his newest expose on the ski industry, said he was scouring the town for meter change when the summons was written.
“His books were very critical of the powers that be,” said one literary enthusiast. “Many of us think the ticket was just another form of harassment, even though he is deceased.”
The source went on to describe how she checked out every Sinclair title from the local library and has hidden them from the authorities.
“The capitalists tried to silence him back in the 30s with an assortment of threats, which by comparison, make a parking ticket seem rather trivial.”
Sinclair’s ghost said the vehicle was left unattended for an estimated five minutes lending credence to the conspiracy theory.
“He should have parked somewhere away from the cop shop,” said the literati.
Despite the citation Sinclair will continue work on the publication in which he accuses the the ski interests of feudalism, misrepresentation of climatic conditions, and acting as a front for the real estate industry.
“OK, so the ski bosses aren’t quite as bad as the barons of the meat-packing industry,” said the library source, “but the effects on the local environment are still questionable. Is it fair for the feds to lease land to a private concern who turns around and charges exorbitant fees to taxpayers for access?”
Meanwhile one ski area spokesman here said the whole incident has been blown out of proportion and offered to pay the fine out of petty cash.
“What can one expect?” he chided “Who would name a kid Upton in the first place?”
– Cool Hand Luke
“I want to be alone.” – Greta Garbo
Trump Middle East Club is no more
(Dubai) Drastic atmospheric pressure changes brought the tumultuous rains to the desert but a direct lightning hit and subsequent wild fire have been blamed for the colossal annihilation of the Palm Trump Towers here.
“There’s nothing left but sand and some red baseball caps,” said a former bookkeeper. The drastic phenomenon of intense rain and flooding led onlookers to ask if the world was coming to an end. Again, palaces, eateries and casinos next to the Trump property were untouched.
“It was if the tempest had eyes, its target clear in mind, when it let loose,” said the source. Trump was not on the scene. Aides told reporters he was hospitalized recovering from Puerto Rican Plague, a painful malady that causes the head to swell and the tongue to stop working. The family has blamed the episode on sullen employees, many of whom are recent immigrants.
Trump Aberdeen Golf Course Destroyed by Hurricane
(Aberdeen, Scotland) Another Trump property has been demolished by natural causes this week leading scientists to believe that similar incidents are not only linked but that the planet is pissed off beyond reconciliation. Greens, tee boxes and a luxury club house were torn from their roots and sent skyward while golfers sat in nearby bunkers (untouched) and waited for Mother Nature to complete what was called “a strategic attack as if cherry-picked by the heavens” by eye-witnesses.
Then, in hydrological pentameter and just as the skies began to clear, the property was trounced to dust by a tornado that landed right smack on hole number 18. No other destruction was reported in the vicinity. Trump declared bankruptcy and dismissed employees without pay.
