All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Winker Convention in Town Next Week

(Sawpit) Over 2000 members of the International Brotherhood of Winkers will be arriving in Telluride Monday for a four-day stay. The Winkers, who have perfected over 350 types of distinct winking/eye gymnastics, are expected to have an extreme impact on sales of sunglasses and eye-drops here. Residents are reminded that this group spends quite freely and asked not to take their curious behavior seriously.

While in the region many leading Winker officials will conduct experiments as to the affects of bright light and premature darkness linked to the continued application of Daily Shavings Time. Local resident are encouraged to participate in a host of festivities sponsored by the group. All are free with the exception of the daily alcohol-fueled symposium held in Elks Park.

TOOTHLESS IN SALIDA

(Poncha Springs) After a month-long postal investigation it appears that Melvin Toole’s newly acquired store teeth may be cooling their gums over in Salida. He can’t eat anything but baby food. He’s losing weight. He’s upset.

On Thursday, August 6 Toole mailed his new false teeth from his Cranor Hill address to a dental office on Slaughterhouse Road for cleaning. Toole was not aware that all mail sent in town in Gunnison travels to Salida first. The teeth never made it.

“In all fairness to the postal service, this is a rare foul up,” said Karma Stampe, a third class administrative assistant from Denver. “We just don’t lose mail.”

Whether the chompers are in Salida or somewhere in between is still not clear. Toole admits that he did not include a return address or buy insurance on the teeth.

“They were only traveling across town, or so I thought,” he whined. “If I would have known it was going to be an epic journey I would have at least packed them a light lunch.”

Several citizens groups including the Highball Dance Ensemble and the Gunnison Association for Fallen Away Hibernians have come forward offering to chew Toole’s food for him. Officials hooked up with the heralded War on Slugs have also promised to throw a little weight around in Salida.

“Maybe the teeth are in Colombia or even in the Golden Triangle,” said one slug buster.

In the meantime Toole languishes under the perfumed awning at his marmot ranch north of Gunnison, a man once motivated, once a major character in an unfolding drama.

“He can’t even brush his gums without breaking down,” said Nettie Twyne, his live-in companion of 86 years. “I can’t believe the postal service could do such a thing.”

Officials in Denver told The Horseshoe that they planned to remedy the situation by sending all Gunnison in town mail to Montrose rather than Salida before returning it to its point of origination.

“That should prove more convenient,” said an official who demanded anonymity.

– Dinty Moore

WENDY PREGNANT, RESTAURANT CLOSED

(Montrose) The local Wendy’s Restaurant will be closed indefinitely due to the surprise (some say out-of-wedlock) pregnancy of its pig-tailed owner/front person. The freckle-faced slut was not available for comment. Sources here are suggesting just who the father might be.

“It’s very, very difficult to say who she has been with over the winter,” said a fry cook who claims to have been out of town since last December.

Conjecture has it that the father is either the Burger King, Col. Sanders or Ronald McDonald (and not Donald Trump as detractors insist) Since Wendy is a minor all or some of the suspected daddies could face criminal charges.

WALTON SIGHTINGS UP

(Gunnison) The late Sam Walton, illustrious founder of Wal-Mart, has been seen by several shoppers in the parking lot here. Local police, charged with investigating the possible appearances, have found nothing to suggest that the deceased entrepreneur is back in Gunnison.

“We combed the area searching for any indication that these sightings were valid,” said one officer. “All we found was a lot of chewing gum stuck to the asphalt, a few disoriented bargain hunters and some discarded shopping lists.”

Meanwhile, the climate remains one of desperate procurement with blue light specials and low, low prices strewn over a three thousand mile front.

In nearby Montrose, Walton is said to have attended a breakfast meeting to discuss the reconstruction of that store, located south of town. The facility was burned to the ground Friday when a ditch fire, encouraged by high winds, transformed the former showcase to mindless consumerism into nothing but ashes.

An irresponsible chicken rancher, Melvin Toole, 106, of 448822991166 Road has been charged with stupidity, leaving the scene of a fire, burning without a hazardous waste permit, driving while intoxicated and chronic burnout. The previously paroled palavering  pyromaniac is currently out on bail, and his flame throwing device has been confiscated by police.

Another alleged Walton sighting took place near Almont, where an elderly man was said to have dropped out of the sky and into the full view of some 20 fishermen assembled along the banks of the Taylor River. One of the witnesses told authorities that the strange visitor attempted to sell him a gross of American flags made in Taiwan.

-Uncle Pahgre

When starting up your computer always remember to check the engine block and oil level on your dipstick. If spam is present be sure to rev the engine slightly and put it slowly into low gear. That way diesel and gasoline residue will not mar the screen or block plug-ins later in the afternoon. Keeping windshields free of malware will help avoid crashes as will alleviating stress during hard drive activities. A little prevention goes a long way. Always remember: You are a pre-existing condition. Happy motoring.

SOAP OPERA SYNOPSIS

By Brittany Celebet

Daytime dramas or soap operas (in honor of longtime commercial sponsors) can be seen in fifty countries across the globe. Faithful fans number in the millions, often skipping work and family responsibilities to follow their favorites and watch as the bad guys get their just dessert.

Sometimes rural viewing is not all that easy. Little things like avalanches, frigid temperatures, empty cupboard syndrome and fires and floods can not only interrupt lives but can play havoc with afternoon television reception. It is with this in mind that we have prepared a synopsis of what is going down on the screen. Missing an episode is a little like missing your birth control pills (not paid for by employers) or your Viagra (paid for by employers). Just miss one and it can foul up the whole month.

(Note: Some shows are current while others are classics from years gone by)

“The Young and the Worthless”

Troy is still seeing Angie who is recovering from a tedious surgery to remove her from her Siamese twin brother, LeRoy, who is chronically depressed over his failure to pass the television tech exam. He is hitting the bottle. Frank, Dr. Bigelow’s attorney, continues to step out with Bigelow’s wife, Betty. Betty has quelled rumors that she is seeing LeRoy. Sherry’s divorce from Henry is not yet finalized because of a slight technicality over the possession of the couple’s James Brown records.

“Love and Money”

The return of Pamela’s father, believed to have been lost during a walrus hunt in Greenland, has prompted curious behavior in the town of Shady Corners. The girl’s mother, Pearl, who was legally separated, had embraced polygamy and married the offensive line of the Buffalo Bills. Isn’t it enough that these privileged, albeit tumultuous lives are intertwined in idleness and receivership? And now Pam’s father might not make the play-offs! Tess has left town with Delbert G., a clever ear and throat man. She will be a long way from Kentucky by nightfall. The annual onion festival reignites aromas long since muddled. What about Delbert’s love child and his fondness for her dancing instructor?

“Search For Yesterday”

With the announcement that Judith is indeed pregnant, half of the male population of Fruitcake Grove leave town. Allen has run into more medical problems prior to his operation when it is discovered that he has ice water instead of blood running through his Mohawk veins. Meanwhile Joan has filed for a divorce from her eighth husband, Harry, who was filmed in a Flemme Springs motel room with the Escucha al Monte cheerleading squad.

“As the Stomach Turns”

Gail is wrongly accused and arrested after he twin sister Margot robs a local pornography shop while assaulting the local rugby team. Her simultaneous acts of bipolar schizophrenia win Psychic Booth honorable mention at the Marigold County Fair. Lou’s lost son returns after a year in Trinidad and begins a co-dependent fling with Jack Iron, a local rummy and proprietor of the local sugar refinery. Joe leaves Debbie for Stephanie, Phil leaves Audrey for Debbie, Ted leaves Julie for the last time.

“The Guiding Blight”

Everyone in Honkeyville is shocked when Trapper Jeanie trades her illegitimate stock brokerage for a new snowmobile. Malbec Marlene confronts Scary Larry who drunkenly told Little Edward she was frigid contending that beyond all doubt she was not frigid with Canadian Art or Benjamin the Salami. Warren attempts suicide by jumping off his sofa in front of household pets. It will be his last act of defiance and he will be removed from the program’s cast in a painful and humiliating manner.

“Dancing With Stars” Pairs Evil Despots

(Hollyrock) A troupe of the world’s most evil dictators will pair up for the finale of “Dancing with the Stars” next Monday night according to a network source. In addition to what many see as positive exposure on American television, the leaders of eight selected nations will compete for a spot on the prestigious, albeit expanding, Axis of Evil.

The original host of the extravaganza, Donald Trump, had to be replaced at the eleventh hour by a bowl of knock-off Russian caviar since he is busy playing President of the United States.

A creation of the Bush Administration, the Axis of Evil initially included such carefully choreographed acts as North Korea and Iran but ignored the evil ballroom accomplishments of such stalwarts as Myanmar, Saudi Arabia and China.

The eight tyrant couples that will compete in Monday night’s presentation include Omar Hassan Al-Bashir (Sudan) with Robert Mugabe (ex-Zimbabwe); Mahmoud Ackmadinejad (Iran) with Hu Jintao (China); Isayas Afeweki (Eritrea) with Than Shwe (Myanmar) and Kim Jong-un II (North Korea) with King Abdullah (ex-Saudi Arabia). Alternates (stand-ins) include deceased tyrants Muammar al-Quaddafi (Libya) and Hugo Chavez (Venezuela).

At the time of the selections there were no women tyrants in charge of entire nations, although some Argentines would argue the point.

Each team was hand chosen based on common traits and long-range goals. For example, human rights abuses are rampant in Iran and China while women are treated like livestock in North Korea and Saudi Arabia.

“We wanted the dancing couples to be in sync and have something to talk about during breaks in the action,” said dance floor supervisor Juanita Stalini. “Each will be outfitted with sophisticated translation devices that will allow for easy exchange of information. Heck,” she offered, “maybe the performers can pick up a few good totalitarian tips while waltzing around in front of the TV cameras.”

When asked why Dick “Dick” Cheney was not included in the roster Stalini did not comment. Viewers from the international audience had nominated the former vice president 3 – 1 in last month’s mail in ballot. Hollyrock insiders say negotiations broke down: Cheney’s interest quickly diminished when it became clear that performers would be executing dance steps sans compensation.

However, government pension millionaire Cheney will appear as a special guest. Although Cheney, like Bush was not technically a dictator as such he certainly exhibited designs toward that status. Cheney will reportedly interpret Wagner’s sunny opera, Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg where he will perform a snappy tap dance rendition and later join the entire troupe for the popular connect-the-dot two-step “She’s Too Fat for Me” polka to close the show.

Many of the participants see the television program as a chance to present themselves in a happy arena and to make points with the enthusiastic viewing public.

“Far too often dictators are perceived as stogie thugs who don’t take the time to smell the roses,” said Stalini. “We hope that the show helps to dispel hurtful stereotypes like these.”

This is the first time a reality show has been picked as a venue to determine the coveted Axis of Evil membership.

– Small Mouth Bess

“They got ‘em a car on time

and a brand new flat screen TV

While the rich keep telling them

“You’re free! You’re free! You’re free!

– from The Song of the Western Eunoch