All Entries Tagged With: "off-color write ins black and white answers"

The Info Nympho

Dear Info Nympho:

     Where does the Silverton Train go in winter? We haven’t seen it for over a month and wondered if there was something wrong.

Boris Bettinghorse, Mancos

Dear Boris:

     The train is stored in a secret location somewhere near Durango so as to avoid freeze-up or dismantling at the hands of thieves that roam San Juan County when the tourists go home. The engineers are all shacked up for the winter and the coal has been stored for next year. Trains are definitely phallic, don’t you think? Just watch as they slink and sliver through the woods, penetrating the landscape. It all kind of reminds me of an affair I had in 1994 with the locomotive crew in Turkey on my way to Russia to meet Von, my Ukrainian lover. Have you ever played hide the carrot?

Dear Info Nympho:

     A friend of mine aid you had an incredible recipe for elk stew. Could you share it? Also what do you leave out for Santa Claus in January?

Cristina, Montevideo   

Dear Cristina:

My elk stew contains one very important, although often overlooked, ingredient…sage brush. Sage brush has been included on the roster of Easily Accessed field aphrodisiacs by the United States Eros League just last year. It’s wonderful and adds another taste to your run-about elk stew. Most diners enjoy it before, after, and during romance. It is known to lead to group encounters including ribald cross dressing and sexy tractor pulls. No hot chocolate for Santa in January. He prefers gin and can be quite feisty after a few. Other discussions of leaving things out presses the issue of censorship and cannot be undressed in this column.

Dear Info Nympho:

     Is spawning abnormal or even immoral like my preacher says? Do the fish enjoy it or is it just a matter of going through the motions?

Rose Hipps, Galway Bay

Dear Rose:

Your answer can only be found by cross-referencing jokes about Canadians in canoes, illegal aliens with umbrellas and beach chairs and a sophomore level sex education manual. All of these can be found in the back room at the local library. As far as the enjoyment level it depends entirely on the fish. All the talk about cold-blooded instinct and dorsal fins can be confusing. Personally I have found that most men love to spawn given the right stimulus. That includes homophobic preachers who someone should be watching after church.

Dear Info Nympho:

What is meant by the term tropical vortex?

Mikki Miike, Crete

Dear Mikki

     It’s right there in the Bronco playbook. All the other teams know it. Cats still see dogs in the dark. What do you see in the dark? Color-coordinated security codes = sexual innuendo. Tropical vortex refers to the square inches of cleavage seen on the beach compared to what is visible when a large lineman bends over to pick up a kicking tee.  In short…when you experience a tropical vortex you may never go back to straight sex.

The Info Nympho can be heard on radio station KNYK during Bronco games.