All Entries Tagged With: "mountain humor"
Affordable Housing for Bruins
Logging interests operating on the Alpine Plateau have inadvertently constructed hundreds of bear huts from their tailings debris. The huts, called Bear Havens, address the shortage of caves due to the exploding bear population. These fury subdivisions may be a quick fix but the dwellings are thrown together and not expected to sustain the mammals for more than a winter or two. (Like ski lodges?) This is affordable housing like we have never imagined. Multiple use regs are satisfied. Building inspections are lax. Although the “Built in America by Bears” slogan is a bit misleading, the structures are expected to take advantage of high altitude solar and seasonal wind power by spring. Despite what many fear is rampant socialism at least our bears will stay warm this winter. (Toole photo)
Climate Change Activists Warn of Elk Sausage, Camp Beans
(Montrose) Traditional fall staples are being blamed for global warming in the Rockies this season. A severe spike in temperature, coinciding with opening day, has remained constant creating a fragile symbiotic eco-system for man and beast.
Liberals are reaching out while conservatives remain in denial on the controversial subject.
The problem allegedly stems from an ultra-protein diet, more specifically the foods eaten by hunters while they are out on the woods. The old saying Guns don’t kill people but camp chili does could never have been so profound. Digestive systems, often over-irrigated with beer and whiskey, are pressing the ozone, while the price of methane gas is on the rise.
“Elk sausage and camp beans are almost sacred in hunting camp,” said Elmer Spud, of Alamosa. “What are we supposed to eat out there? Lettuce sandwiches?”
Spud went on to say that a vegan menu was too radical in that very few, if any hunters adhere to that eating philosophy.
“In Alamosa we’ll take heat in any form that is offered,” he joked. “A little warmth is welcome no matter if it comes with a little backfire aroma.”
His sentiments were quickly echoed by sportsmen from Granby, Gunnison and Walden, three locales where autumn temperatures often resemble winter ones in most parts of the world.
The Colorado Division of Wildlife, a group accused of encouraging bands of armed men and women in the woods each autumn, was yesterday called on the carpet by rogue members of the Environmental Erection Agency. In early testimony the DOW plead not guilty to charges of complacency, bear abuse and honey laundering.
“You’ve got your solids, your liquids and your gas,” said a DOW spokesperson. “We can only be responsible for what we can see.”
The copyrighted audio version of this story can be downloaded on www.teamgastrointestinal.com
Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days
(Washington) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2018 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.
The plan, dubbed the Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.
“If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together, he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”
The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.
“Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take all of their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.
These guys took a string of earned stupid days off and spent their leisuret time chasing a herd of elk from Blue Mesa to Lake City. (Dolores Alegria Photo)
According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1972. In fact, most of the major decisions that have been made since then were formulated over the phone by top level officials who had called in stupid.
“It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rat race or a crap shoot.”
-Dinty Moore
The mind is a dangerous place to go….
Here in the foothills of the world’s highest ranked website we pay attention to details. For example, unlike the NBA, when Red China banned the site we created a new one in Taiwan and beamed the bastards. Xiang or whatever his name is, was blown over and may never recover. The guy wears a suit like Wall Street and talks like an insurance salesman. Mao would not approve.
That was after we spent all day Saturday cleaning up after the summer nudistas at Skin Beach near Colona. Then we went and played bi-lingual sqarsh for the rest of the day. Then it snowed.
But not in pub, lads. Our dear fiends Bud and Jane stopped by the other afternoon on their way from England to Tucson. Bud “Brandy” Morrow insinuates that gout can be alleviated by the regular application of organic cherry juice with a healthy splash of vodka. I’m game.
Do the Washington Nationals have “angels in the outfield” in 2019? The team appears to be destined for greatness after a sweep of the Cardinals. Now they get to play one of the two monster teams. October will tell.
Oh that reminds me: sanjuanhorseshoe.com is not FDA approved. I have to get on that tomorrow or the next day.
Our resident reggae lyricist here has harvest tips. She suggests hurling your marijuana debris such as sticks and leaf into your hot wood fire. That way all the nearby wildlife can enjoy a good buzz and a chilled out experience. Why horde when so many others engage in that activity? (Note: Elk grow their own strain of killer weed in hidden patches all over the National Forest.)
In closing…Does anyone out there know the first three verses of the tune, Chug-A-Lug? Here’s what I have: Makes you wannaa go Hidee Ho, burns your tummy don’t you know…
Keeping the fun in marriage
with Dr. Muffy Hollandaise, MSW, PhD, ASAP, LSMFT
Part 162 – Creative Disagreement — Keeping It Civil
As my fifth husband always used to say: “If you can’t fight standing up how do you expect to make love lying down.” While many of us here in the business are not clear as to what he means, we will go to the wall to defend his rite of common passage. Given: Everyone, with the possible exception of white doves, hermits, the dead and laudanum addicts locks horns sometimes. Nowhere is this phenomenon more interesting than within the sacred bondage of marital harmony.
You may ask: How then Dr. Muffy can two people learn to tolerate each other when the green grasses of secularism beckon and the chains monogamy rattle throughout the night. The answer: Don’t just sit there like a rusty old war memorial. Kick up some dust. Here’s how to do it:
Most people would agree that it’s far easier watching someone else explode than to hit the ceiling yourself. That’s our first direction: Shut the hell up. Sure, it’s tough but generally your opponent will continue to hold the floor at least until they have exuded all primary hostility. Everyone thinks they know what they are talking about but no one has a clue. Blah, blah, blah…and so on. Rocking from toe to heel with a knowing smile can be very effective in this realm.
During this peripheral exchange be sure to keep a serious look on your face (laughing will only succeed in making matters worse). Don’t make eye contact (it is often seen as a sign of aggression and yet can simultaneously denote fear). Back away slowly attempting to make yourself seem larger and more formidable (running will convince the predator that you are food).
While surfing the primrose path it is wise to make lots of noise so as not to startle your mate, especially if he or she is traveling with cubs (off-spring).
When the confrontation reaches phase two — the actual dialogue, it may help to circulate a print-out to the participating parties. This helpful sheet can provide guidelines, parameters and information that will be covered during the brawl. This way nobody feels blindsided by issues introduced in the heat of battle. Hint: Always hold back just a little in case backstabbing is the only recourse. For example: Personal attacks on in-laws and personal hygiene are good while implications as to the lack of integrity and/or obesity are less effective.
Always take time to choose a setting that benefits both sides. The kitchen is often better than the bedroom, even though that’s where the knives are housed. The garden may work well for the combatants but what about the tomato plants? Squash can be very sensitive to upheavals and often wilts on the vine in the face of entanglement. (And that says nothing of endive and/or periwinkle). Referring to the set as the battleground does not carry with it the indication that one is serious about solutions. Waiting for the other partner to be drunk is not a good idea as one runs the risk that he or she could pass out during your rebuttal.
Timing is important too. She should throw out a contentious line during, say, the final game of the NBA Playoffs. He could do well waiting until the VISA bill arrives, unless of course he is the big spender. Bringing up an old mate is a valid approach only when he is in jail or her hair is falling out.
Never presume that you are a better lover unless you were actually present during their tender moments. Don’t accept guilt connected to such evangelical surprises as: “After failing at several suicide attempts she joined a cloistered order and was hit by a bolt of lightning while on her way to vespers; He passed away after contracting leprosy, you know, working with the poor in India; or the old standby he jumped into a small bucket of chilled white table wine from a squat piñon tree atop lover’s leap and it’s your fault!”
Along with the setting one should consider the general ambiance. The sound of a distant lawn mower or chain saw can be relaxing. The sound of a dog barking can lead to further frustration. Make sure no faucets are dripping or digital beeping is present as distraction can cause breakdowns of the communicative process.
Music is very important. Country and Western works well, especially compared to the annoying repetitions sometimes inherent in progressive jazz. Samba is good. Salsa is too much. Rap is not a beneficial option since it is often loud, repetitive and crude. Love songs may not be appropriate either. Save them for the making up part, if it ever comes.
Body language should not be a consideration and physical response isn’t a solution, even for lower primates. The habit of repeating verbatim every sentence uttered by your opponent is childish and can provoke further duress.
At some point in the proceedings there should be a period of dead air when everyone is finally exhausted. This is the right time to terminate the argument. The best way to do so is to throw your arms around your partner and hug them till they turn blue. Most people find this extension less attractive than facing a bayonet but moments after the initial fear of rejection is conquered anger is usually replaced by relief. Never leave during an argument since it can be taken as a retreat and you may have to go through this discussion process all over again.
Now that the argument has come to a halt it is time to start gathering ammunition for the next big fight which we will undress in the next episode. Too-DA-loo…
Dr. Hollandaise graduated from some school back east & uses a lot of words she doesn’t understand. She can’t cook, has over 40 mirrors in her abode and is lousy in bed, according to undisclothed sources.