All Entries Tagged With: "mountain humor"
Economics 101
- “We should teach the poor to breed flowers Everything grows in Uruguay. They can sell them to the rich. There will always be rich. They will do well. …The rich buy flowers. The poor buy food.” – Jose “Pepe” Mjica- President of Uruguay until 2015. from the film “El Pepe – A Supreme Life”
After Hours Party Poised for Primaries
The newly extracted After Hours Party is expected to make an immediate dent in the ancient and exhausted partisan system of yore. Following the premise that nobody really agrees with anyone else ever, the constituted group plans to present a transparent platform full of trap doors, false fronts and vaulted ceilings.
“It’s politics without a net,” said Evelyn Marmotbreath, who along with everyone else in the fringe group is a frontrunner for the Presidential nomination. The kickoff convention, (slated to take place in Puerto Rico during hurricane season), will find it difficult to come to any viable decision in time for the November election, but we’ll have straw hats, signs, uncomfortable metal chairs and a bit of drunkenness anyway.”
It is feared that radical factions herein will attempt to take over the gov’ment since no one else knows how to feed and water it.
“We should to do well in swing states,” said Marmotbreath, candidate for parks and recreation director on the Caribbean island. “Sure there will be slides, teeter-tottering and merry-go-rounds but in the final accounting we should find ourselves firmly entrenched in the sandbox.”
When asked about rumors that Ward Cleaver was poised for a comeback Marmotbreath spat.
“His message is too conservative and most of the younger voters know him only from Nick at Night,” she said. “Besides his misogynous base is peppered with questionable input from people named Wally, Lumpy, Eddie and Beaver. June barely counts. What does she do all day anyway? Is Ward a Roosevelt Democrat or a Harding Republican? There are a plethora of unanswered question here.”
Many in he After Hours Party have loudly rejected Cleaver as a potential running mate for everyone else, fearing that his tie-to-dinner manifesto will petrify the pierced and terrify the tattooed. In addition most fear that, in a close election, he will undoubtedly rely on his own unsolicited advice.
“If, as a nation, we would start spending money helping people instead of hurting them, our international conflicts would begin to evaporate. Of course, positive results would not occur overnight so our electorate would not be inclined to support policies that would come to fruition only after their reign and thus not benefit their political careers at the present time.”
– Gabby Haze, political analyst and slave to the barometer.
Faithful Traumatized by Damage Deposit Forfeiture
(Limbo) A majority of occupants, calling themselves “religious, but not particularly spiritual”, expressed shock and disbelief at the notion that the Creator would not be returning a damage deposit on the planet earth after humans vacate the premises. Emerging indications verified the fears, confirming the status of humans as “painfully purgatorial at best” by heavenly sources.
The deposit, paid in gold by the now disgraced Adam and Eve, has been held in trust by unnamed archangels since cave drawings depicted visits from outer space and sheep were nervous.
“We need that money to put down as a deposit on a new planet,” cried one of the eternally disappointed. “Coming up with first and last is hellish enough. With our poor credit we’ll never get a loan”
“According to one angel (I’m not just an angel I’m a bloody archangel”) the human experiment has failed.
“They (the renters) seemed peaceful and respectful at first but after that Cain and Abel business things went downhill fast. Their house is a mess and we’re not seeing much interest in cleaning up the yard either. We don’t know how many centuries that might take or what we will do with all of their orbiting possessions.”
For a related story please turn to:
Redneck Apostles Adopted Open Carry Partisanship after Lion’s Den Incident.
“The quiet realization that one has reached Nirvana arrives unannounced when he realizes he does not know which day it is today…only that it is an invention of evil timekeepers.”
– Small Mouth Bess
Le Travailleur Nomade dans Paris
Oklahoma’s favorite Francophile, Monsieur Roy Bob Le Blanc, wanders the streets of Paris, pompously impressing himself with his mastery of the names of hundreds of landmarks, streets, markets, wines and classic dishes. It’s probably better that he talks to himself since no one else can understand his pitiful French.
He cannot even properly pronounce Au revoir mon cheri or Merci beaucoup. Nonetheless he is in heaven. It is the heaven of blissful pomp and circumstance. He shops for French fries and naughty lingerie for his wife back in Lawton. After hours of cooking school he still cannot make crepes.
Whenever he speaks people look up annoyed and often angry at the linguistic slaughter going on within earshot.
Agenda du Jour
8 am breakfast at Cafe La Ferronniere
9:15 a stroll on Champs-Elysees past The Opera and through the Arch Triomphe and then on to the Eiffel Tower.
10 am: for another coffee and a croissant at Cafe Lateral.
And now I’m fueled for the morning, he says.
11:00 am Will you look at the tranquil taxi stand, quieted after rush hour. I will take a quick spin to Pate Petén, Rue Marmot, and Place du Venisonne to read their posted menus for tonight.
Noon: Luncheon at the Les Crepes de Louis Marie over at 1 Rue de l’Arbalete.
2 pm The first race is at 3:30 at Auteuil Hippodrome. I don’t want to miss it. Damn, now I can’t find an empty cab anywhere. That’s all right with my instincts and knowledge of the City of Light I can walk there. Maybe I’ll pass Jim Morrison’s grave. Isn’t it in that cute little cemetery off Avenue Victor Hugo? Or is it Chemin des Dames…No that’s up north.
3 pm Hmmm. I don’t see Avenue Montaigne. …Rue de Rivoli, Passages Couverts, or Boulevard de Clichy. …Where have they gone?
4 pm I have misplaced Claret Rioux. I seem to be turned around.
5:30 Now what has happened to my Paris map? I must have taken a wrong turn at the Louvre Museum this morning. This shabby neighborhood is not mentioned in my book…I don’t recognize these the street signs. I’ll just duck down this alley and take a shortcut. I will simply double back to Avenue de L’Opéra.
6:30 But which way is the river? Now I believe I’m lost and it’s getting dark.
“Lost you say monsieur. How can you be lost in Paris? Maybe I can be of assistance,” says a beautiful, young woman passerby in a navy pencil skirts and horizontally striped blue blouse. “Come with me. I will relieve you of your worries and your burdens. Do you like my city? Have you been to L’Avant Comptoir Wine Bar or Macarons? …I work there sometimes. You speak beautiful French you know…
“I love Paris and I am well versed in its delights…it’s landmarks and history…”
“Oh?’ she smiles. “We shall see.”
The young woman leads him along three tiny streets, through an open-air market and down a long flight of steps to where her accomplices are waiting. They tense up as he smiles a greeting. Is this the Gendarmerie, or is he just another stupid tourist mesmerized by Paris?
“Give us your wallet and cell phone or we will dismember you and throw you into the Seine!” says the largest one, a cigarette dangling between his lips.
“We will throw you off the Eiffel Tower,” he continues. “See how you like that.”
“Take off those shoes too,” demanded another, “and that map, that stupid map.”
He dismissively throws the map into a litter barrel in the alley.
“Ah, the Seine,” sighs Monsieur Le Blanc. “Gore de Lyon, Place de Vosges…”
“No, those are sites are near the Bastille. You must be thinking of Pont des Arts or maybe the Sainte Chapelle,”said the woman.
“Your hotel is near Montmartre?” asks the second thief. “We know the neighborhood very well. Come, we will walk you there. You never quite know about who you might meet in the dark.
“My name is Monet and my associate here is Renoir. The lady is Joan of Arc, or was that Marie Antoinette, dear?”
– Pierrot
Dumber than the Horseshoe
Here’s a portion of the reel nuze from out there…
Bovine domino effect cow trips, player hurt
(Ankara, Turkey) Ethem Sahin thought his friends were kidding when they told him how he ended up in the hospital. But they witnessed the cow fall through the roof of the coffee house where they were playing dominoes and knock Sahin unconscious.
“My friends told me later what happened. I couldn’t believe it,” Sahin told the Anatolia News agency.
Sahin was treated in the hospital for a broken leg and needed seven stitches in his forehead after the freak accident Tuesday in the central Anatolian city of Nevsehir.
The cow apparently wandered from the hillside where it was grazing onto the roof of the coffee house, which was built into the side of the hill. Its status is unknown.
“Freak accident, my sit-downer,” said one of Sahin’s friends. “This kind of thing happens all the time.”
Child cited for putting P in park
stolen from the New York Daily News
(New Jork) Three-year-old Harry Branch-Shaw really, really had to pee. So he did what most kids his age would do–he found a tree and let go.
Then a city parks officer did what most cops probably wouldn’t: He gave the tyke a $50 summons. Actually Harry isn’t old enough, so his nanny was cited instead.
“The whole thing seems so absurd,” said mom Gigi Branch-Shaw.
The pee pee crime spree unfolded Friday when Harry and a friend decided to have a play date in a park on a sparkling summer day. Harry is potty trained but all of the excitement must have made him ignore nature’s warning signs. As the crisis progressed the pre-schooler actually started for a nearby public toilet but his nanny realized he was not going to make it in time.
“It was either that or wet his pants,” said his mom, who works as a sausage packer over in Brooklyn.
The nanny, who demanded anonymity, had barely finished helping the boy pull up his pants when the parks officer walked up and started writing the ticket.
The officer, whose name appears on the ticket as “J. Perez” , demanded the young woman, a legal immigrant from West Africa, show him some identification. She refused then relented when another cop politely explained that she should cooperate.
“She’s lucky we don’t call in social services,” said a police spokesman.
As for Harry, “He thought it was a fun thing, with the two police officers,” said Gigi Branch-Shaw. It is unlikely Harry will be placed on probation unless he is deemed a potential repeat offender.
The family doesn’t plan to take the tinkle transgression lying down. Harry and his mom plan to contest the matter.
Study: Booze, tobacco pervade cartoons
(Waukegan IL) A study of 81 G-rated animated features from 1937 to 2000 found that nearly half show characters using alcohol or tobacco–some to excess.
The analysis by the Harvard School of Public Health was published in the June issue of the journal Pedriatrics. The authors said the review is not meant to suggest that such films should be avoided, but that it could be used by parents to discuss the dangers of alcohol and tobacco as their children watch. Often negative roll models are already in place within the family unit, acting as bad examples, and kids can watch them too.
The review suggests that the use of alcohol and tobacco in animated films may be declining. Of 20 recently made films 12 contained no tobacco use, compared with nine in an earlier bunch.
“It’s a relief to know that in at least our analysis, we notice a downward trend, said Fumie Yokota, one of the authors of the study.
Still, she added, parents should know that a significant portion of the movies available on video do not portray the long-term consequences of using tobacco and alcohol.
“Let’s face it,” said another author. “These cartoons are just a bunch of drunks. Why can’t anyone make a children’s film about the delirium tremors or lung cancer. Imagine Daffy Duck on an iron lung or Woody Woodpecker watching rats run up the curtains, restrained in his hospital bed.”
In the review 15 of the 38 films showing alcohol use (40 percent) suggested excessive use or abuse through hiccups, staggering or flushed faces. 13 of the 35 films showing tobacco use (37 percent) showed a physical effect such as coughing or turning green.
The films ranged from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” in 1937 to “The Tigger Movie” last year.
Included were such films as The Hunchback of Notre Dame (26 seconds of alcohol use and 23 seconds of tobacco use); 101 Dalmatians (26 seconds alcohol, 6 minutes and 27 seconds tobacco); and The Little Mermaid (7 seconds of tobacco).
So that’s what they’re up to over at Harvard.
One critic of the study, Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the University of Downtown Delta had this to say about the matter:
“Have these academians nothing else with which to fill their daylight hours? There are leaves to pick up in the park and weapons to clean. What nonsense. They didn’t undress the subject of nudity (Donald and Daisy Duck for instance) in Disney films, nor did they approach the subject of anger management (ala Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam) in Warner Brothers cartoons. Sadly, we must conclude that these cartoon examiners must be aliens, possibly from Neptune or Pluto. Don’t they realize that there is nothing funny about sipping and puffing. The humor has always been retrieved by how the character responds. I hope this study didn’t cost much.”
– edited by Kashmir Horseshoe
January Duels #449
“Sir! You offend the feminine gender of the state of South Carolina with your crude and careless talk of hoop skirts! I challenge you to a duel!”
And with the slap of a riding glove in Charleston, Count Marcourte set into motion a series of January duels unprecedented in American history. His opponent, a rank industrialist from Boston, was shot squarely through the forehead the next morning as seconds and a sellout crowd observed from a nearby hill.
The victim’s name was never clear. It was either Hazelrod or Hazelbloom, or something designating yellowish brown. Count Marcourte had won the day and he reveled in his lopsided victory, as winter turned to spring in this coastal redoubt.
“No Yankee can hold a candle to a Southerner when it comes to combat,” said Marcourte. It was early June 1860.
The victorious count fought three more duels that year, winning all of them in the fine fashion displayed on that Charleston morning. In 1861, with the attack on Fort Sumter, Marcourte joined the Confederate Army and soon after lost an arm at Fredericksburg. After the war, he returned to the sport he loved so well and became a local legend as the finest one-armed dueler east of the Mississippi.
Finally, on Christmas Day 1879, Marcourte was struck between the eyes by an insubordinate arrow of unknown origin. He lasted only moments.