All Entries Tagged With: "miners"

Clothes Closet to Cold Storage in Minutes

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– John Perch, Buckeye Lake

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Children’s Advocacy PAC Slams Leftist Media

(Dayton, OH) A little know child-advocacy committee has criticized a host of former allies in what they call the irresponsible liberal media. The alleged charges, according to persons familiar with the case, will likely morph into a civil lawsuit with potentially embarrassing results for all parties concerned.

The legal action claims “associating personality traits of innocent four-year-olds with former president Donald Trump is libelous to children and borders on child abuse”.

Initiated on the grounds that children were unfairly “linked to abnormal behavior on the part of an adult” (Trump) the suit has expanded to include the bugaboo card (abuse claims) and seeks to clearly identify victims and perpetrators.

“Every time we hear the liberal media lambaste Trump as a four-year-old it casts negative light on millions of pre-school Americans,” said Betsy Devisive, one of hundreds of former Education Secretaries tied to our schools. “It’s unacceptable. It makes these kids look bad and must stop.”

Defenders of the comparison say they never meant to compare anyone to anyone else.

“What a spin these bastards put on everything,” said Stan Pureheart (D-Costa Rica). “Instead of understanding the expectations of maturity levels and putting the ball in play these critics refuse to see the patterns of behavior here. We are saying that Trump is a baby not that all four-year-olds need a spanking!”

One independent voice from the back of the room said: “Democrats should be happy they have the GOP across the aisle allowing them to escape the scrutiny of inaction and naked class privilege that has haunted our political institutions since Yorktown. The Republicans should be relieved that their adversaries have no plan and no teeth to go with that absent plan. Both parties have more in common with each other than with the average working American.

Sadly, when asked, most heel-digger supporters of Trump did not recognize the reference to Yorktown in this piece nor could they expound on any analogies made to The Reichstag. Since none carried maps of the world no further instruction was possible. Many called the question itself fake news and ranted on about Hillary’s emails.

Meanwhile mob violence in the United States has achieved great strides in entertaining its detractors all over the globe while strengthening anti-democratic dictatorships as agreed to in the Putin Doctrine, loosely disguised as a take-out Chinese menu, and signed into law by the Senate on Thursday.

– Finn McCool

Lauren come lately

Most of Trump’s sycophants have been planning their slithering escape for months but our pistol-headed Congresswoman has just now jumped onto the deck of a sinking ship with no captain, no rudder, no helm.

Just orange hair and puffiness.

Has she no sense at all? Even thieves know when to stop stealing.

Even crooked politicians know when to pull the plug or at least play dead for a while.

Vile, floating flack ego, deflated,

Arise the paper Benito doll

skewered like the defenders of Jerusalem

when the Crusaders took the day.

“It’s only a coup d’etat if it comes from the Coup D’etat region of France. Anything else is just Sparkling Treason.” 

– comment on editorial pages in Washington Post

Lynx and Moose Welcome Gray Wolf to Colorado

(Denver) Lynx and moose, species recently reestablished in these mountains several years back, were on hand today to welcome the gray wolf back to the state.

“Our story has been a rousing success thanks to the co-existence of humans and wild creatures,” smiled Marcia Lynx. “There are now more of us in Colorado than there are marijuana dispensaries.”

“We moose can be cranky and a handful but all in all we feel the program that brought us down here is solid and natural in every detail,” said Al, a 1200-pound spokesman for local moose herds. “I wish the federal gov’ment would pay attention when they establish immigration policy for the country.”

Marcia Lynx above Lake City in early November

We asked Al if he was concerned about quality of life here since wolf packs are often the natural enemy of moose, often eating the weaker animals.

“Bring them on,” sneered Al. “We’ll kick some wolf ass.”

No one dared suggest that gray wolves have lived in remote parts of Western Colorado since even before John Denver or that Big Bad Wolf Syndrome was lurking in the dark timber and behind the willows.

“They’ve been here since my great grandparents homesteaded this place and now, even though we didn’t vote for it, we’ll be getting more of them,” said one Rangeley rancher who said that the animals are intelligent, keep to their packs and that livestock issues have been minimal.

Al the Moose, near Silverton in July

Other Western Slope residents were not so tolerant.

“If the liberals want more wolves they should try them out in Littleton or Boulder and see how that goes first,” said Mirabelle Pritchard of Ecstasy Orchards in Paonia. I intend to write my newly elected Congresswoman suggesting a bill that reintroduces wooly mammoths to Cherry Hills.”

Pritchard conceded that predators rarely attack apple and cherry trees saying she feels for her neighbors who run sheep or cattle.

Others took a wait and see approach

“Some of the folks were just thrilled at having wolves in the state again but they’ve been here the entire time,” said Al the Moose. “The idea had been to keep the wolf presence quiet or not rock the conestoga. Life can be disappointing enough as it is. Who are we to disillusion them.”

-Fred Zeppelin

“There are cracks in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen

Many Public Radio DJs Live Normal Lives

Apology: Most public radio DJs do not live in the station studios as was recently reported on sanjuanhorseshoe.com, a low-budget website claiming 4.5 million readers. Whether the DJs rent or own their homes, they in fact almost always have a private place to sleep, cook, bathe and exist when they are not on the air.

Rarely do these stewards of the airwaves hot bunk, snore or eat crumbcake in bed, say their listeners. We apologize for the pain and the lingering hurt our story must have inflicted with such an insensitive portrayal and volley of dismissive accusations.

However, all accidental innuendo and outright indictment stereotyping these digital spinners as sex symbols/ rock and roll idols will continue until the proper channels respond to “pebbles against the window” and these allegations are proven false once and for all.

-Pepper Salte

CONNIE CONSUMER SAYS:

Executive Heated Toilet Seats Won’t Leave You Hanging

Don’t fall for the rap from those callous, high-pressure toilet seat salesmen. All they care about is a sale. Very few of them actually own one. Negotiating with them is like being home schooled by hungry crocodiles.

Rule of thumb: Spend top dollar and insure a comfy bottom. Buy a custom seat, fitted and responsive to your body. Don’t go cheap. The quality seats often last up to 50 years with proper maintenance.

Tired of chipping ice for your daily constitution? Avoiding the runaround by using idle time on the hot seat. Deal only with a reputable merchant. Promises of free toilet paper will seem rather banal if you get burned or even electrocuted with an inferior product.

Reminder: Free demo trial date termination is January 3 for residents of Coal Creek, Pea Green and the Snotty Beach Communities. Top manufacturers include Sure Fanny / Tushvent, Stool Trophy, Pooper Pal and of course the royal name in toilet seats…Cozy Bum.

– Carlos Tuna contributed to this report