All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Mobs Attack Science Fair
(Cajones, MO) Prompted by local climate deniers an angry crowd attacked an itinerant science exhibit here scattering participants and obliterating over 100 booths before disengagement.
The mob, leftover from an anti-immigration rally held here last night smashed displays and interrupted demonstrations of alternative energy and evolution before moving on to burgers and fries in a secure pavilion provided by a local soft drink concern.
The Earth Is Flat Society, the Know Nothing Party and several local religious sects denied involvement in the destruction although leaflets distributed before the assault bore the birthmarks of previous intervention.
“It’s the devil’s workbook,” said one Calvinist preacher. “There is nothing about these secular postulates in our teachings. They are dirty like sex education and voting for a Democrat.”
Physics and chemistry are not offered in the mandatory public education curriculum…especially at the middle school level. As a result many of the zombies involved in the violence see these disciplines as witchcraft.
Progressive elements, busy cleaning up the mess, blamed the outburst on the use of Teflon in the kitchen, the constant exposure to talk radio and the daily consumption of trash food.
“It’s the standard xenophobic boilerplate,” said one chemist from Moline. “Up until now no one has successfully produced stupidity in a test tube but it is not for the lack of effort.”
– Juliene Pettifogger
The Burgeoning Toilet Paper Virus
(Montrose) A friend just sent me a photo of empty shelves at a Montrose chain store and it set me thinking….What if there is no toilet paper left in the region when I return from my winter residency in Colombia in May?
What will I do if I can’t buy toilet paper in the tri-county area? The intensity of the current panic doesn’t bode well for my safeguarding instincts and/or my hoarding prospects. So I’m asking for a favor: If you read this article would you buy me a roll and deliver it to my front porch in Colona. Surely I have enough friends that will help me out on this. (I’d give my exact address but I’m worried about identity theft.)
And maybe bring over a few jugs of milk even though I don’t particularly like the stuff and those big bottles of Perrier?
Is there a run on the liquor stores too? I’d hate to run out of vodka what with all this talk about quarantines and lockdowns. Will the marijuana dispensaries stay open in a crisis? What about candles, pizza delivery and bullets?
One reader suggested I use old copies of the San Juan Horseshoe but it’s just not the same. Another said I’d be better off staying here in South America until the consumer emergency wears off. Still others asked if the gov’ment would not solve these health disasters flung onto the United States from the redoubts of foreign calamity.
Toilet paper provocatively displayed in Colombia
One person advised that I buy what I need on Amazon and have it delivered. After checking I found that the distribution giant usually sells Charmin for $27 for 24 rolls but that the product is currently unavailable for an undisclosed length of time. Hmmm.
This morning one of the leading newspapers in Medellin carried a well-researched piece about attempts to smuggle toilet paper into the US wrapped in bags of cocaine. The story, while amusing and a credit to investigative journalism has not been substantiated. Nor were rumors that Canada and several Latin American countries were cutting off all exports of toilet paper (an estimated 10% of all domestic consumption) to the United States in its time of need.
I hate to cut this article short while I’m on a roll, but I’m done obsessing about comfort levels, wild-eyed catastrophes and the binding accessories taken for granted in our daily functions.
So what if I ran out of toilet paper! I have a shotgun. Anyone with a loaded shotgun can get toilet paper quickly and discreetly, no questions asked.
– Gabby Haze
Silicon Valley Cave Drawings Thwart Archaeologists
(San Andreas) Sources at Cal Amari Institute expressed grave disappointment this morning at the announcement that nearby carbon-dated cave sketches were of modern origin. Following surface analysis the doodling depicted on rocky walls had been mistakenly attributed to the Plasticine Era before the Giants moved to San Francisco.
As samples of the work surfaced and were examined by litmus tests and cross-referenced by comparative properties, it became clear that the cave drawings had been scratched in the rock about two weeks ago by unknown persons using tools not available to the ancient ones.
The drawings thought to reveal significant and provocative meaning were no more than crude graffiti explaining the validity of electoral colleges, confusion on gender issues and the shocking embrace of plastic packaging in level 6 nations.
CLOWN BEHEADING CALLED ACCIDENTAL
(Montrose) A brutal beheading, that’s left restaurateur Ronald McDonald decapitated, has been called accidental by police despite the clown’s burgeoning list of enemies. The mortal incident occurred Friday at closing time when the clown’s baggy outfit appears to have been caught in an unattended chicken grinder, pulling him into the greasy fray one inch at a time, while programmed employees stood by recording the developments on their cellphones.
After a few minutes the whole thing was over. The clown had completely disappeared into the machinery and workers went back to cleaning up and clocking out. It was only after this that police were notified.
“It’s no big deal,” said one middle manager. “His head will grow back. It’s happened before. We’ve warned him not to wear his clown suit in the kitchen but he won’t listen. No one tried to save him because beheadings are not covered in our employee handbook and corporate reprisals here are rather harsh.”
Readers will recall a somewhat related occurrence last October, when Wendy, the Burger King and Col. Sanders were inadvertently sucked into a nuclear street sweeper/dog food compressor while jogging along Highway 50 north of town. Despite an all-out search, their mangled bodies have yet to be recovered.
Physicians exploring the range of McDonald’s healthy insurance policies have determined the cause of death to be acute, aggravated macro decollation.
“At least it was a clean cut,” said one doctor.
It was not clear at press time whether or not a service would be held for the decapitated clown or if employees would be paid for attending said event.
– Sir Otis of Liver
Gunnison Releases Political Prisoners
JAILED FOR NOT SHOVELING SIDEWALKS
(Alcatraz-on-Tomichi) Hundreds of happy, but exhausted, inmates were released from the Gunnison Country Jail this morning after being incarcerated for weeks without trial. Their crime? Failure to shovel sidewalks in the allotted time.
The powerful city council, originators of the ordinance, finally rescinded its previous decision and allowed the felons to go home for the weekend. They will be back in quart on Monday for final sentencing.
“That gives us time to coordinate release efforts down the road and secure the support of rogue council members,” said an attorney from the Civil Liabilities Union. “The council realizes it abused its power and now members just want to save face.”
What’s really stupid is that merchants along this corridor are swift in their assault on snow-covered sidewalks. Threats by the gov’ment appear to have been totally unnecessary. Conditions inside the calaboose are said to have been quite brutal in that cable TV was turned off and each morning the arresting officers ate all the doughnuts.
“There’s nothing in the Constitution that says I have to shovel snow at a prescribed time,” said Melvin Toole-Hood, a leader of the resistance and militant collector of rare buttons. “Just because we let the council have its own television show they think they can set policy.”
Attorneys for the accused say the matter will likely be thrown out of quart since the habeas corpus has melted.
“It’s just like all them Tarheels running out and buying snow shovels after a northeasterner spilled a little powder down there,” flapped Toole. “Don’t they know it will melt? My advice is to trade in that shovel for a jug of corn squeezins and sit by the pot belly till things return to normal.”
– Dolores Alegria
For more on this turn to The Whether Channel
Senator calls for more security on Wall
(Sterile Sands, AZ)) More guards may be needed to protect the expanding Trump Wall from pilfering says Senator Quincy Chirpe (GOP) of West Virginia. The call for increased vigilance arrives as chunks of wall were reported missing this morning along the entire US border with Mexico.
Poor people south of the border are using the easily accessed material to build houses. The porous structure, haphazardly built and improperly aligned to prevent erosion and water damage is an expensive diversion that appears unable to stop refugees from crossing at will.
“The Wall will keep out airplanes too and boats and…socialism and bad people and…” – Senator Chirpe of West Virginia says wall will be built of coal.
“We see this monument to stupidity as just another Trump fantasy that was never meant to function at any level other than pandering the president’s shrinking base,” said Rep. Alice Carbonfoote, a Democrat from Charleston. “Wasn’t the control of migration the original idea behind this monstrosity?” she asked before being threatened by wall work crews, angry that they had not yet been paid promised wages and blaming their fiscal desperation on “swamp-dwelling liberals”.
“We will probably have to build a wall around the wall to protect the wall,” said Chirpe. “Fortunately we have Russian backing and an unlimited supply of bricks. We also have a horde of trigger-happy militias intent on blood,” he grinned.
The bird-legged Chirp has received much notoriety after promising his constituents that the entire border barricade would be built of West Virginia coal. A loyal Trump ally since the Obama Birth Certificate Scandal, Chirpe was the inspiration for the Gold Brick Program where enthusiastic supporters of non-existent immigration policies can write their name on the concrete barrier for posterity and $500 cash (no checks).
For more information on how you can support corruption, ignorance and racism go to www.wizardwall.com and make a pledge.
“This beautiful, terrific and wonderful wall on the Mexican border has been so successful that we’re building another intergalactic wall to protect us from space creatures and comets,” bragged Chirp. “It will stretch from Venus to Pluto and be constructed of good ol’ West Virginia coal, too” said Chirpe. “But we won’t start on that one until after the 2020 election. Even President Trump can’t do everything for our country in so short a time.”
In a related development: fumigators were observed at the White House again Friday for the second time this week. A revolving administration staff source insisted the claim was fake news despite thousands of photographs to the contrary snapped by on-site security cameras.
– Sally Peaches