All Entries Tagged With: "horseshoe"
CAR ALARM CHECK POINTS PRESERVE THE PEACE
(Howardsville) Visitors to Western Colorado are reminded to check their car alarms with the local magistrate before entering downtown areas. Adherence to this law is easy and fun!
Just pull over at any one of the many checkpoints and leave your car alarm there. Although some people find the regulation somewhat inconvenient, simple compliance will ensure the safety of everyone.
“The days where everyone waltzed around our towns with a car alarm on his hip are over,” said one deputy. “We’re civilized now and the boom and bust Wild West has been tempered. We’ve got leash laws, parking meters, zoning laws, speed limits, and noise ordinances. Nobody wants to be confronted by some trigger-happy drifter anxious to show off his car alarm.”
Since the law went into effect in June, car alarm noise has all but disappeared from the dusty streets. Locals have returned to the primitive practice of leaving their keys in the ignition. Kids steal hubcaps. Sheep graze happily on Elysian ridges. All is one.
Persons failing to comply with this law face arrest and subjection to hours of badly recorded heavy metal music. Further resistance will be dealt with harshly with offending motorists ostracized and facing feudal banishment.
– Rocky Flats
Cereal blamed for demise
(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.
After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and the academic world, urban stress, the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.
“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.
Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugarcoated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.
“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellogg’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”
Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.
“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
REGIONAL SNORTS
Mosquito Negotiations Break Down
(Ridgway) Negotiations between local residents and mosquitoes have been terminated due unresolved issues here. Both sides accuse the other of underhanded manipulation and distorting facts and statistics. In one of the later meetings human representatives even went so far as to swat mosquitoes just outside the conference room itself.
Calling the mosquito contingent “nothing more than bloodsuckers” one of the more vocal humans suggested “eradicating the species once and for all.
“That’s rather brutal, isn’t it,” buzzed a mosquito spokesman. “Think of all the good things we do for them. If they don’t want to share the planet they should cowboy up or just stay indoors for the summer.”
Experts say that unattended pools of stagnant water are the breeding grounds for trouble. Talks, held every summer have failed to alleviate the problem on shared existence. This is difficult when the basic priorities of each group create conflict for the other.
“There are lots of people and lots of mosquitos out there,” said a sprayed-down human from the shade. “Some will win and some will lose.”
Emperor’s New Clothes Missing From Free Box
(Telluride) As of early this morning the emperor’s new clothes are still missing here. Efforts to identify the clothing have been hampered by the weekly post-festival status of the much renowned charity closet.
“We think the clothing in question was mixed in with the clothing that had already taken up residence there, said Buffy Hollandaise of the local inquisitor’s bureau. “We are up against a very perplexing dilemma in that emperor’s clothes are difficult to see.”
Hollandaise did not comment on conjecture that there are other invisible clothes in the Free Box. When last seen she was busy e-mailing herself regarding an afternoon meeting.
Meanwhile the emperor, bare as an imperial prune, remains in semi-hiding at an undisclosthe Pandora shed and breakfast. Faced with the choice between certain arrest for public nudity and growing fines for delinquent parking fines, he has limited his fiscal sojourns to evening and early morning. In some cases friends have dropped coins into the meters in support of his majesty and his predicament.
– Zorro DePlants
BAT BOY SIGNS FOR 1.2 MILLION
(New Jork) Your New York Mets’ batboy has signed a multi-year contract extension estimated to be in the neighborhood of 1.2 million dollars with incentives. Mickey Mandolin, the instant millionaire was unavailable for comment because he was in school. The Mets front office acknowledged that the contract would probably set a dangerous precedent but feared losing the 14-year-old to free agency.
“Did you ever try to get a decent batboy on a weekend,” said Marvin Tinkleholland, Player Support Coordinator for the team. “If we’re paying players millions we have to keep up on player support personnel or we’re dead in the water. Paying the batboy by the hour while the rest of the team rakes in the cash is akin to serfdom. Mr. Doubleday would not have been pleased.”
Insiders agree that the Mets are searching for the right chemistry that will produce a pennant sometime soon. Consistency is the key and they appear unwilling take the time to break in another batboy for next season.
“Mandolin’s salary is equivalent to what most of our players spend on their laundry,” smiled Tinkleholland. “We’ll just jack up the ticket prices and double the price of a hot dog. New Yorkers are accustomed to getting screwed.”
The young New York “lumber clerk” is the first batboy to exceed a million dollars in salary. Three others make an annual salary in the neighborhood of $600,000, not counting an initial signing bonus, lucrative endorsements, retirement packages and incentives.
“That’s not a bad payday for about six months work,” stressed Tinkleholland. “In the spastic spectator frenzy of the 21st Century entertainment, even the batboy is a major draw.
– Rocky Flats
Catfish-Jello Salad
Recipes For the Trail
(Merluza may be substituted for Catfish)
Directions: Take two packets of lemon or banana jello. Cut and opening in each approximately 4-5 inches long.
Catch 8 Catfish (4-5 inches long) and cram them into the little boxes of jello. Shake hell out of the boxes. Remove the coated fish and place in a rubber dish. Mix remaining jello with water and carefully pour into a mold.
Throw the rubber dish up into the air until all of the catfish have fallen into the dirt around your campfire. Turn fish. Place in mold with jello. Cool.
For a delectable sauce combing 4 oz Tabasco with half-gallon vinegar and add one tsp. brown sugar and a pint of club soda. Cook for a while.
As a special family activity take the (hopefully) uneaten heads and tails of the fish and make swell little puppets out of them with toothpicks and some material from Mom’s sewing box. A resourceful or bored young camper will soon experiment with all sorts of applications here such as fish pantomime and song and dance. What fun!
Slagman Mulls Comeback
Slagman PI, pictured above at one of his many affordable housing projects, is reportedly pondering a return to the 4th Estate. Could an avalanche of social media demands in tandem with the scribe’s crisp command of the regional subtleties lead the bad boy of the press back to the private hell of a monthly column? Will he put an end to tediously long sentences on his watch? A cast of supporting actors says yes while his seedy publicist says no. “He could always smell the blood in the water,” said leading lady, Labiana Fettuccine. “All the pain and suffering was just an act.”
