All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"
Motel Rooms Missing After Season
(Ouray) It’s one thing to snag a towel or swipe a roll of toilet paper but taking a whole room is something else altogether. That’s what folks here are saying after five motel rooms have gone missing from two 3rd Avenue lodges.
The missing motel units, three from the Victorian Inn and two from the Box Canyon Lodge, reportedly disappeared sometime in September. After a preliminary investigation by local law enforcement officers, it was not clear how the rooms were removed or even if former guests were responsible.
“We feel silly letting somebody walk off with our rooms,” said a source at the Box Canyon. “We get so busy around here in late summer that we don’t have time to do a daily inventory. We just have to presume that if a room was there last night it is still there tonight. Usually it is.”
Over at the Victorian the staff has been put on full alert as to potential room rip-offs and is still searching for the rooms or at least a clue as to their status.
“We don’t want to accuse anyone of anything at this point,” said a manager. “All we know is that the rooms are gone and somebody appears to have pinched them. It must have happened in the middle of the night. If it were a morning job someone certainly would have noticed odd behavior going on.”
Both lodging entities have consulted with police and are in the process of filing what amount to unusual, if not extraordinary claims with their respective insurance companies. Local authorities promise a full investigation as of this evening, with heightened security followed by tedious checkout procedures the next day.
After an anonymous tip, police questioned an unidentified, unreliable eyewitness then discounted his testimony since he has been in jail in Montrose since July 30. Residents are asked to keep a sharp eye out for any suspicious behavior that might help resolve the mystery.
“There are only two ways in or out of town unless you count all the jeep roads. It’s hard to believe someone could get clean away dragging a motel room or two with them,” said one officer who believes the alleged thieves headed northwest, despite the chronic congestion in Montrose, to avoid steep passes coming out of the canyon. “We think this could be oil shale related. Do you know how much a nice motel room goes for these days in Rifle or Rock Springs? Them mother frackers don’t like to sleep out in the elements.”
In some brighter economic news, the city of Ouray has reached its goal of 12,000 gallons of tourist soup made during the summer at the Hot Springs Pool. The soup, popular in Texas and Oklahoma, will be sold at various functions throughout the winter. Anyone who would like to retail the mixture is asked to call the town hall. The soup will be ready to go by October, as soon as the carrots and potatoes have softened up a bit say the cooks. As in years before packets of the stuff will be freeze-dried for mailing.
In yet other developments rogue elements of the city crew has warned tourists to stay on the sidewalks in 2020 or face elimination by city vehicles. Saying that a blatant disregard for law and order has reached flood stage, the perpetrator(s) of this decree have threatened to seize the flumes and return the exterior of the Beaumont Hotel to a faded pink if they are not taken seriously.
In closing, Ice Park officials say that October is far too early to be concerned about ice levels at the climbing facility up Camp Bird Road.
“We don’t flip into worry mode until proper temperatures start getting below freezing,” said one engineer.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Crew needed for Martian voyage. Personnel sought include helmsman, sheepherder, computer programmer, navigators, pilots, comfort hosts and hostesses, bartenders, maintenance engineers, architects. Chris in Genoa Gated Community.
Mega-Tourism Demise of Rome
(Vienna) Archeologists returning from a massive dig in northwest Italy say the Roman Empire was driven to its knees by too much of a good thing. Dribbles of tourism seemed to be just the thing to aid the ailing economy drenched from Caesar’s jaunts into Galicia and the building of navy to match the nautical capacites of Egypt.
That opened the doors and soon the entire peninsula was flooded with the defeated on vacation. Yes, the very people subjugated though the Roman conquests over the past century had come home to roost. There were Carthaginians and Belgicans and Judeans and Numians, all crowding the markets. all asking dumb questions.
Rampant, out-of-control mobs soon seeped from beneath the walls of the Coliseum infecting neighborhoods in peace since the days of Romulus and Uncle Remus. And that was before they put the sunroofs and vomitoriums in over at the Senate annex.
From the East came the Lycians, Macedonians, Cretans, Armenians, all with their odd ancient ways despite the efforts of the Empire to bring them along in the Roman way.
Then there were the cruise ships and the geeks from Britannia and camera-wielding munchkins from the molehills of pretty Lockleara and the hallucinogenic meadows of San Pedro. There were even Germanic tribes like the Visigoths, the Saxons and the Franks who would someday bring apocalyptic terror to these very streets and bazaars. But today they were on vacation too, mobbing the restaurants, taking all the parking spots, drunk by noon.
For a quasi-related piece please turn to “Pray Away the Hay Backfires” in The Weekend Rancher.
Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks
(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the late summer.
Earlier rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.
Most say they are already looking forward to spring.
The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.
Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.
-Dolores Alegria
CHUCKHOLE APOLOGY
In our 2019 much quoted Chuckhole Primer For the Ages we advised motorists to speed up when closing in on porous chuckholes. We suggested that with an increased speed and velocity the vehicle in motion would easily skim over the gaping holes/ landing safely on the other side without incident or damage to the under-carriage of the car.
Well, it turns out this approach is invalid and the promised results are very questionable. In fact following this advice will most likely destroy shocks, tires, wheels, mirrors, windshields, drive trains, seat covers, teeth, paint, glass and the alignment. And it could get you a reckless driving ticket to boot.
Driving fast and “flowing smoothly” over chuckholes is not a good idea at all. Although our research is not conclusive, we must at this time warn motorists to slow down and avoid chuckholes rather than hitting them head-on.
We have effectively changed our chuckhole status from “cool and macho” to “not at all advisable” unless your ride features specially made assault tires, a pop-up pontoon bridge for particularly deep and difficult chuckholes, or a parachute.
Low riders should proceed at their own risk, always employing the Penasco (tilde: enya) Principle (Multiply tire size by 6 and divide by the depth of the asphalt blemish).
High altitude (over 9000 feet) chuckholes should be avoided especially when they are with their young. Seasonal distractions such as hunters stringing nets over chuckholes to trap small rodents and birds will be discussed in our next chapter.
– Beyon’ Dynamite
CLOUD SEEDING CATALOGUES ARRIVING FRIDAY
(Colona) The 1998 Cloud Seed Catalogues are expected to be delivered to businesses and residences at the end of the week according to crop dusters above the Uncompahgre Flyway. The catalogues, a bi-product of alleged United Nations meddling in the internal affairs of Los Estados Unidos and her clones, will be whisked into town via black helicopter. Others will be displayed on the Winternet.
Cooperative citizens who can show they have no opinion in matters of state can exchange the paltry imprints (catalogues) for thimbles of herbal tea and fresh mangos throughout the summer season. Warning: Unlicensed dogs caught driving ski gondolas after dark will be prosecuted, their owner’s mountain bikes sold for scrap.
FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS
Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!
PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Tallulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.
WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located on Highway 145 near Placerville. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Telluride Gin Festival in 1907. It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents prefer brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1999. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $75 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Bronco season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located behind Omar’s Roots just three miles east of Party of Lincoln Gift Shop at Grandma’s RV World.
SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.
HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week and summer rates are reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome.
SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH
View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. The buffalo are either there or they are not. Watch the parking on poorly shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.
SLOWEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST
Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. Everyone wants to turn left but nobody can. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Fastest Left Turn Arrow in the West at the Highway 50 by-pass.
JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Casto Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for the intense buzzing. Since the remains are not totally petrified forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles.
TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocaine next to the Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate Astroturf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Elvis or pine beetles or space aliens are in Colorado. These groups and the highly cited Tooth & Nails Periodontal Band (with stoolies) have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.
THE GIANT HOUSE – Located in a secret location of course, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are often inebriated and somewhat trigger-happy. But don’t despair: Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gate house of this exclusive development.
These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor in Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and the closest automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.
CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.