All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"

Who’s Afraid of The Ides of March?

Today is, or begins, the Ides of March depending on which interpretation one follows. While the only person in recorded history whose demise is connected to the date (s) Julius Caesar, there is no reason for any of us to take chances what with spring just around the corner.

The initial problem with The Ides is grammatical in that the term is singular and can be used only with a singular verb. The Ides is is correct while The Ides are is hillbilly talk.

When attempting to examine The Ides, most reference is to the assassinated Roman Emperor brought back to life by William Shakespeare in his tragic 1600 play, Julius Caesar.  Here he coined the term The Ides of March in order to amaze and frighten the English peasantry, who populated most of his weekend audience.

Along with all this ascribing to Caesar, we found little mention of much else: a Thornton Wilder novel and the website of Ides Inc., a plastic materials information managements company. Despite the fact that Czar Nicholas abdicated on March 15, 1917 Julius Caesar has corned the market on The Ides which have become synonymous with the offing of this particular dictator 2050 years ago.**

Robert Krulwich, of National Public Radio suggests that the hit men themselves celebrated the successful coup by singing Roman beer drinking songs such as 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall using Roman numerals. The thought of swooning Roman senators belting out mathematically challenging tunes at what he calls an “Apres Slaying Party” is certainly a possibility. However, did they do it before or after a trip to the vomitorium?

Precautions taken for The Ides should be simple and direct. Experts suggest that if one must leave the house he should not mingle with congregating bodies of politicians in strange haircuts. In addition, he should particularly avoid government buildings with marble steps and columns. Do not respond to invitations from anyone named Brutus, Cassias, Boomer, Portia or Bluto. Cease your power trips. They may provoke violence on the part of already, agitated colleagues.

And don’t go anywhere wearing only a flimsy toga. It may be starting to look warm outside but it’s still winter and you could freeze your arse.

Getting back to the scene at the Forum, it is apparent from his arrival from Gaul that Caesar is about to go under the knife.  It is likewise clear that Brutus orchestrated the murder with the help of Ligarius and Trebonius (who allegedly preferred piano wire to knives) while Cassias was only supposed to drive the getaway chariot.

The plan itself was childish. Had leaders like Cicero and Publius not been out campaigning or investigating the ethics of their colleagues in the senate they might have long in advance ferreted out the planned attack and called the Praetorian Guard. They might have blamed the whole attempt on Gaelic terrorists and bumped up the military ante. God only knows the Gauls had a motive to waste Caesar after all that reconnoitering up north.

But alas, poor Caesar.

*Hereafter we will refer to the Ides of March as The Ides because we want to. The Ides are the 15th day of March, May, July and October and the 13h day of the other months. The Ides of March is the first day of spring.

**Of note: there is the instrumental, The Ides of March, by Iron Maiden from the album Killer acknowledging the event.

Continued from “Brasilia in Flames-Amazoa Revenge”

Continued from the front

then draping taut clusters of Kapoc and pieces of ancient Sumaumeira trees around the windows and doors so that they could insulate themselves from the ever-creeping jungle now intent on engulfing the entire logging camp. Over across the clear-cut pastures it was much the same.

Angry Amazon rainforest on fire

“During the day everything is fine as well-armed burning crews set out to reclaim more virgin rainforest so as to run cattle and plant soybeans,” said one Quechua source. “The Amazon can never recover from this wanton destruction.

“The smoke can be seen for miles and miles. The smell of the executed trees is overwhelming. At dusk the men return to the makeshift camp and then all the retribution starts. The sound of the plants moving en masse and the screams when they take a worker are nightmares many of us will never outlive,” continued the Quechua man, who lives in a traditional village nearby – one that is threatened by the mass destruction.

Terrified eyewitnesses report that massive vines as well as epiphytes like moss and bromeliads lead the initial assault, trapping stragglers and choking many of the often drunken residents of these filthy, diesel-infested sites. During sleeping hours the situation grows worse as plentiful Euterpe Precatoria and tough rubber trees join in the one-sided massacre of smothering and strangulation. In the morning there is little else to do but dig shallow graves in the sandy soil and go to work cutting and burning, hoping to punish rogue plant life and discourage another night’s rampage.

“The governments and the land barons do not want this news to get out, as one might imagine,” said the indigenous source. “All that violence might get someone’s attention and the mindless burning and cutting brought to a halt. After watching this struggle emerge night after night I realize that not only the native people are of no value to these agricultural monsters. We are all expendable.”

Scientists working for several South American concerns agree that it is highly unlikely that a confederation of plants is at the root of the havoc. They say workers have simply stumbled onto bad whiskey and have imagined the hellish harassment, the nocturnal dosage, and the jungle’s spell.

Despite the downplay by the experts local authorities are on alert after reports of monkey brush vine, pitcher plants (carnivores) passion flowers (pollinated by bats) and Victoria Amazoa perched within striking distance of towns and cities that harbor plant murderers (homicidam donari flora, genus: tropicae silva).

– Suzie Compost

Mobs Attack Science Fair

(Cajones, MO) Prompted by local climate deniers an angry crowd attacked an itinerant science exhibit here scattering participants and obliterating over 100 booths before disengagement.

The mob, leftover from an anti-immigration rally held here last night smashed displays and interrupted demonstrations of alternative energy and evolution before moving on to burgers and fries in a secure pavilion provided by a local soft drink concern.

The Earth Is Flat Society, the Know Nothing Party and several local religious sects denied involvement in the destruction although leaflets distributed before the assault bore the birthmarks of previous intervention.   

“It’s the devil’s workbook,” said one Calvinist preacher. “There is nothing about these secular postulates in our teachings. They are dirty like sex education and voting for a Democrat.”

Physics and chemistry are not offered in the mandatory public education curriculum…especially at the middle school level. As a result many of the zombies involved in the violence see these disciplines as witchcraft.

Progressive elements, busy cleaning up the mess, blamed the outburst on the use of Teflon in the kitchen, the constant exposure to talk radio and the daily consumption of trash food.

“It’s the standard xenophobic boilerplate,” said one chemist from Moline. “Up until now no one has successfully produced stupidity in a test tube but it is not for the lack of effort.”

– Juliene Pettifogger

The Burgeoning Toilet Paper Virus

(Montrose) A friend just sent me a photo of empty shelves at a Montrose chain store and it set me thinking….What if there is no toilet paper left in the region when I return from my winter residency in Colombia in May?

What will I do if I can’t buy toilet paper in the tri-county area? The intensity of the current panic doesn’t bode well for my safeguarding instincts and/or my hoarding prospects. So I’m asking for a favor: If you read this article would you buy me a roll and deliver it to my front porch in Colona. Surely I have enough friends that will help me out on this. (I’d give my exact address but I’m worried about identity theft.)

And maybe bring over a few jugs of milk even though I don’t particularly like the stuff and those big bottles of Perrier?

Is there a run on the liquor stores too? I’d hate to run out of vodka what with all this talk about quarantines and lockdowns. Will the marijuana dispensaries stay open in a crisis? What about candles, pizza delivery and bullets?

One reader suggested I use old copies of the San Juan Horseshoe but it’s just not the same. Another said I’d be better off staying here in South America until the consumer emergency wears off. Still others asked if the gov’ment would not solve these health disasters flung onto the United States from the redoubts of foreign calamity.

Toilet paper provocatively displayed in Colombia

One person advised that I buy what I need on Amazon and have it delivered. After checking I found that the distribution giant usually sells Charmin for $27 for 24 rolls but that the product is currently unavailable for an undisclosed length of time. Hmmm.

This morning one of the leading newspapers in Medellin carried a well-researched piece about attempts to smuggle toilet paper into the US wrapped in bags of cocaine. The story, while amusing and a credit to investigative journalism has not been substantiated. Nor were rumors that Canada and several Latin American countries were cutting off all exports of toilet paper (an estimated 10% of all domestic consumption) to the United States in its time of need.

I hate to cut this article short while I’m on a roll, but I’m done obsessing about comfort levels, wild-eyed catastrophes and the binding accessories taken for granted in our daily functions.

So what if I ran out of toilet paper! I have a shotgun. Anyone with a loaded shotgun can get toilet paper quickly and discreetly, no questions asked.

– Gabby Haze

Silicon Valley Cave Drawings Thwart Archaeologists

(San Andreas) Sources at Cal Amari Institute expressed grave disappointment this morning at the announcement that nearby carbon-dated cave sketches were of modern origin. Following surface analysis the doodling depicted on rocky walls had been mistakenly attributed to the Plasticine Era before the Giants moved to San Francisco.

As samples of the work surfaced and were examined by litmus tests and cross-referenced by comparative properties, it became clear that the cave drawings had been scratched in the rock about two weeks ago by unknown persons using tools not available to the ancient ones.

The drawings thought to reveal significant and provocative meaning were no more than crude graffiti explaining the validity of electoral colleges, confusion on gender issues and the shocking embrace of plastic packaging in level 6 nations.

CLOWN BEHEADING CALLED ACCIDENTAL

(Montrose) A brutal beheading, that’s left restaurateur Ronald McDonald decapitated, has been called accidental by police despite the clown’s burgeoning list of enemies. The mortal incident occurred Friday at closing time when the clown’s baggy outfit appears to have been caught in an unattended chicken grinder, pulling him into the greasy fray one inch at a time, while programmed employees stood by recording the developments on their cellphones.

After a few minutes the whole thing was over. The clown had completely disappeared into the machinery and workers went back to cleaning up and clocking out. It was only after this that police were notified.

“It’s no big deal,” said one middle manager. “His head will grow back. It’s happened before. We’ve warned him not to wear his clown suit in the kitchen but he won’t listen. No one tried to save him because beheadings are not covered in our employee handbook and corporate reprisals here are rather harsh.”

Readers will recall a somewhat related occurrence last October, when Wendy, the Burger King and Col. Sanders were inadvertently sucked into a nuclear street sweeper/dog food compressor while jogging along Highway 50 north of town. Despite an all-out search, their mangled bodies have yet to be recovered.

Physicians exploring the range of McDonald’s healthy insurance policies have determined the cause of death to be acute, aggravated macro decollation.

“At least it was a clean cut,” said one doctor.

It was not clear at press time whether or not a service would be held for the decapitated clown or if employees would be paid for attending said event.

– Sir Otis of Liver