All Entries Tagged With: "funny menu"
Reunion:
Attention! All of those who were banned, barred or 86th from Red’s Gravy Heaven for unsociable or destructive behavior between the years of 1979 and 2019 cordially invited to a reunion. RSVP, LSMFT. No Irish. Manana’s only Vegan Bar and Grill. Come meet the new owners.
Get your seating now
Reserve seats today for the 2021 Donald Trump Going Away Party in January. Crowds are expected to be 35 times the size of the inaugural Draw in 2017. Masks of all types required.
El condado podría ver vacas solares para 2025
(Ridgway) Si la investigación genética se mantiene en buen camino, el ganado operado por energía solar local podría adornar los pastos locales en la primavera. Ya se ha avanzado rápidamente en el área de los sistemas de apoyo bovino y los aditivos de combustible destinados a cambiar la forma en que los animales se alimentan.
Durante siglos, las vacas domésticas han sido alimentadas con pastos y otros forrajes con resultados predecibles en el extremo del gas metano. También existe el costo creciente de combustible adecuado y el esfuerzo constante de limpieza. Con la aplicación de los principios solares, las tareas tediosas de alimentación e irrigación terminarán, toda la operación corre a cargo de una persona desde su computadora portátil.
“Algunos veteranos son resistentes a estas mejoras genéticamente alteradas”, dijo la Dra. Alice Phallfa, del Servicio de Extensión de Pendientes Sunnyside. “Pero será mejor que se salgan del camino. La ciencia avanza, incluso en los campos de heno y corrales de los Estados Unidos”.
Phallfa dice que el concepto es sólido y que las vacas pueden funcionar con la energía generada por el sol hasta 15 horas por día. Además, no se alejan mucho de las baterías de pasto y ya no son necesarios sistemas elaborados de cerca.
“La calidad de los productos lácteos y la carne de res tampoco sufre en las razas de prueba solar”, continuó. “De hecho, muchas personas prefieren la leche y los quesos producidos con energía solar. Esperamos expandir este avance para incluir también a las cabras y las ovejas”.
Phallfa se negó a comentar cuando se le preguntó sobre la controvertida píldora de la mañana después de la vaca loca que ya está en circulación en lugares como Asia, África, Europa, América del Sur, México y Canadá.
“Nos gustaría agradecer a la herradura de San Juan por la extensa cobertura de un tema que otros periódicos tienen miedo de desnudarse”, dijo. “Sin periodistas valientes como este estaríamos de vuelta en la era de la drogadicción”.
En una actualización relacionada, parece que Ridgway Farmer’s Market ha vencido el rap de la esclavitud blanca que ha perseguido a ese contingente agrícola en los últimos meses.
“No vendemos ni hemos vendido agricultores en ninguno de nuestros negocios de productos”, dijo un portavoz. “No toleramos la esclavitud humana, a menos que, por supuesto, esté dentro de la privacidad del hogar y con el consentimiento de un adulto, y nunca la hayamos sugerido como una alternativa viable a los huevos de corral o la lechuga orgánica”.
Extraoficialmente, el portavoz admitió que la esclavitud blanca podría ser lucrativa, especialmente durante los meses de invierno, pero que la población ya no parece interesada en comprar granjeros con el nuevo City Market y todos los maravillosos establecimientos de comida rápida que se encuentran a poca distancia en Montrose. .
No estaba claro si algo de esto indica una desaceleración económica general en todo el país o si los humanos sobrevivirían otra década comiendo de latas.
– Melvin O’Toole
Melvin O’Toole ha publicado más de 10,000 artículos sobre alimentos alterados herméticamente. Ganó un premio Pulitzer en 1995 por la longitud de palabra en su contribución literaria Them Beets Are After Me, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Colona Schoolhouse Haunted?
County authorities confirmed that DNA collected in and around the Colona School strongly indicate the presence of “spirits from way long ago”. According to circuit rider parapsychologists, the institute of learning was built smack on top of a Neanderthal graveyard. The recent historic facade lifting, with its inherent banging, may have awakened the dead according to Dr. Charlotte Ziti, MSW, ZBT, LSMFT. “One cannot discount DNA,” said Ziti, who questioned local lore claiming that the town of Colona had been under a spell since the removal of the Utes after the Meeker Massacre. Now, as a result of these miraculous findings, all future candidates for public office must show a minimum of a middle school diploma and submit to genetic testing to ascertain what they might hope to accomplish during their potential tenure. Emergency workers on the scene report gathering over 400 wheelbarrows full of DNA on the first morning. “There’s a lot of it around and some of it is clearly not of the homo sapiens variety,” said one engineer on the project.
Snoring Machine Perfected
(Ouray) A gasoline-powered, alternate current device is ready for the assembly line according to inventor Melvin Toole, of Red Mountain Town. The contraption, created from rusty, discarded mining tin, brass pipe, circular fans and dangling tin foil, sports tiny speakers and a heat detection gadget that sets it off when intruders, human or otherwise, approach.
“It sounds exactly like snoring,” said Toole, “with woofers and tweeters pushing compressed oxygen into the pipe caverns and the fans taking it from there.”
Toole plans to market the product to people who want to keep bears and other predators away whether out in the woods or at home. The machine requires simple installation. It can be mounted on one’s structure or easily staked into the ground adjacent to a tent.
“Right now our main focus is the audio,” said Toole. “It has to sound authentic or the bears or they won’t be detoured in their marauding. It has to sound like another animal is on the premises. My apparatus is easily the best precaution for the dollar. It beats expensive security systems and is more streamlined than armed sentinels.”
Toole told The Horseshoe that the machine would cost approximately $400.
“That,” he said is cheap compared to the destructive capacities of local bruins. “After the fact, when it’s usually too late to prevent damage or violence people are always surprised at what one of these beloved monsters can do to a kitchen or patio.”
“One resident up here has his entire deck destroyed by a large sow in search of food. Another woke up to find his car completely totaled after an angry bear was denied entry into a freezer and threw a tantrum,” he explained.
“People who are confronted with nosy bear while sleeping in a tent could face even more serious consequences,” he said. “We just want to make the night safer for people.”
“I’m a great putter. I just can’t seem to get the ball to go into the little hole.”
-Danny the Druid
The Ouray Solid Muldoon – What you need to know
The following was lifted from August 14, 1885 issues of the Ouray Solid Muldoon with the verbal approval of David Day’s ghost. The format is loose, concise and to the point.
Chauncy Brandelberry, who is credited with having two wives living is now in jail in Montrose charged with bigamy. On May 20 the Muldoon contained an account of the trip of Mrs Brandelberry No. 1 as far as Ouray from a town 80 miles north of Ogden, Utah, in search of her child left in the care of Bradelberry. She alleges that on her arrival here she found that her husband had remarried again without going through the usual form of procuring a divorce. She accrued the services of deputy Cuddihy of Montrose who went in search of the too-muchly-married man and found him living with Mrs Brandelberry No. 2 in the Paradox Valley. Cuddihy took possession of the husband and the child and started back to Montrose. However, on the way Bradelberry escaped, but was recently captured and now languishes in the Montrose bastille. Mrs Brandeberry No. 1 is now in Montana awaiting developments.
You don’t find false teeth in the soup of some of the Ouray hash dives, as was the custom a few years ago, but the table butter is still a home for aged and decrepit cockroaches and bed bugs with high water pants.
Joe McCormick was arrested here last Saturday, and is now in jail on the charge of horse stealing. McCormick hired the horse at Dallas, and sold it here in Ouray to Frank Hopkins, giving him a bill of sale for the animal.
Frank James has invited Sam Jones to call his way and squirt religion at the unbelievers. Missourians, with their six-shooters attached are not calculated to enthuse the latter day parson. The acrobatic sky pilot of the Brooklyn tabernacle has returned from Europe and the great dailies will once more have special telegrams of his sermons–sent by mail.
Old man Hope of Red Mountain believed until recently that Kansas was made up of nothing but Republicans and grasshoppers. Now he is of the opinion that a few Democrats inhabit that land.
The number of plain and fancy drunks that could have been docketed at Fort Kayser yesterday morning were not called owing to the leniency and goodness of the heart of the justice. As a town agitator a $20,000 fire is a howling success. It’s hard to decide which was most disastrous, the fire or the drunk.
The Muldoon wishes to say once more that it will publish anonymous communications or personal grievances. If you have it in for your neighbor write him a letter yourself and tell him what a disreputable cuss he is and sign your name to it. This will throw the responsibility on your own shoulders and give vent to your pent-up feelings. This way of sneaking around to a newspaper office and getting in your spite work through the publisher, who has no interest whatsoever in your quarrels, is not only cowardly but vicious, and we won’t have any of it in ours. If you want to go over to your neighbor’s and give him a clubbing, set his house on fire or murder his family, we will detail a reporter to write up the affair, as it then becomes a public matter and of considerable import as a news item. Otherwise keep your skeletons in your own closet and give us a rest.
The snow is a foot deep over in Silverton while here in Ouray the song of the mocking bird in the magnolias mingles with the soft sighing of gentle southern zephyrs. Blessed Ouray.
A fight to the finish with two-ounce gloves is to come off Monday night at Wright’s Opera House between Jack Davis of Ouray and Billy Rae of Arizona, for $100 a side. As many of these encounters are mere hippodromes to get the gate money Mayor Rowan, before giving permission for the fight, extracted twice that sum from unnamed promoters at the north edge of town.
General Palmer and party, all stockholders in the Denver & Rio Grande, were in town this week and went over to look at the mines in Marshal Basin.
The card in the Plaindealer last week from Rev. Long, denying the allegations set forth in the Muldoon, that he did not refuse to hold services over the remains of Dave Selby and that he did not work and make noise while the funeral services were in progress at the church opposite, should not have been written if the revered gentleman believes the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We now report that he not only refused to hold services, and made the noise as stated, and have a number of reliable and prominent citizens to bear us out in our statement if he sees fit to call for proof.
Otto Mears’ private car was anchored in Ouray last night.
Iranstan continues to hold out on the big bodies of ore cut a few weeks ago and promises to be one of the best and biggest shippers in the Red Mountain district.
God bless the hayseeds. They are great people.
Free fight among the Cornishmen at the Sheridan Mine on election day.
Annex extension of Terrible has cut a foot of ore that assays 727 ounces. The claim, that bids fair to the great shipper is owned by Wm. F Maher and John N. Caldwell, among others.
The Ute uprising has petered out and our boys in blue can play soldier again.
G.T. Whittemore, a miner working on the Terrible, fell over the dump about November 1 and ruptured himself. He was brought down to town on Tuesday from the mine and placed in the hospital, where an operation was performed by Doctors Rowan and Mayfield, who found the man to be in a state of advanced gangrene.