All Entries Tagged With: "food"
Children’s Advocacy PAC Slams Leftist Media
(Dayton, OH) A little know child-advocacy committee has criticized a host of former allies in what they call the irresponsible liberal media. The alleged charges, according to persons familiar with the case, will likely morph into a civil lawsuit with potentially embarrassing results for all parties concerned.
The legal action claims “associating personality traits of innocent four-year-olds with former president Donald Trump is libelous to children and borders on child abuse”.
Initiated on the grounds that children were unfairly “linked to abnormal behavior on the part of an adult” (Trump) the suit has expanded to include the bugaboo card (abuse claims) and seeks to clearly identify victims and perpetrators.
“Every time we hear the liberal media lambaste Trump as a four-year-old it casts negative light on millions of pre-school Americans,” said Betsy Devisive, one of hundreds of former Education Secretaries tied to our schools. “It’s unacceptable. It makes these kids look bad and must stop.”
Defenders of the comparison say they never meant to compare anyone to anyone else.
“What a spin these bastards put on everything,” said Stan Pureheart (D-Costa Rica). “Instead of understanding the expectations of maturity levels and putting the ball in play these critics refuse to see the patterns of behavior here. We are saying that Trump is a baby not that all four-year-olds need a spanking!”
One independent voice from the back of the room said: “Democrats should be happy they have the GOP across the aisle allowing them to escape the scrutiny of inaction and naked class privilege that has haunted our political institutions since Yorktown. The Republicans should be relieved that their adversaries have no plan and no teeth to go with that absent plan. Both parties have more in common with each other than with the average working American.
Sadly, when asked, most heel-digger supporters of Trump did not recognize the reference to Yorktown in this piece nor could they expound on any analogies made to The Reichstag. Since none carried maps of the world no further instruction was possible. Many called the question itself fake news and ranted on about Hillary’s emails.
Meanwhile mob violence in the United States has achieved great strides in entertaining its detractors all over the globe while strengthening anti-democratic dictatorships as agreed to in the Putin Doctrine, loosely disguised as a take-out Chinese menu, and signed into law by the Senate on Thursday.
– Finn McCool
Lauren come lately
Most of Trump’s sycophants have been planning their slithering escape for months but our pistol-headed Congresswoman has just now jumped onto the deck of a sinking ship with no captain, no rudder, no helm.
Just orange hair and puffiness.
Has she no sense at all? Even thieves know when to stop stealing.
Even crooked politicians know when to pull the plug or at least play dead for a while.
Vile, floating flack ego, deflated,
Arise the paper Benito doll
skewered like the defenders of Jerusalem
when the Crusaders took the day.
“It’s only a coup d’etat if it comes from the Coup D’etat region of France. Anything else is just Sparkling Treason.”
– comment on editorial pages in Washington Post
Lynx and Moose Welcome Gray Wolf to Colorado
(Denver) Lynx and moose, species recently reestablished in these mountains several years back, were on hand today to welcome the gray wolf back to the state.
“Our story has been a rousing success thanks to the co-existence of humans and wild creatures,” smiled Marcia Lynx. “There are now more of us in Colorado than there are marijuana dispensaries.”
“We moose can be cranky and a handful but all in all we feel the program that brought us down here is solid and natural in every detail,” said Al, a 1200-pound spokesman for local moose herds. “I wish the federal gov’ment would pay attention when they establish immigration policy for the country.”
Marcia Lynx above Lake City in early November
We asked Al if he was concerned about quality of life here since wolf packs are often the natural enemy of moose, often eating the weaker animals.
“Bring them on,” sneered Al. “We’ll kick some wolf ass.”
No one dared suggest that gray wolves have lived in remote parts of Western Colorado since even before John Denver or that Big Bad Wolf Syndrome was lurking in the dark timber and behind the willows.
“They’ve been here since my great grandparents homesteaded this place and now, even though we didn’t vote for it, we’ll be getting more of them,” said one Rangeley rancher who said that the animals are intelligent, keep to their packs and that livestock issues have been minimal.
Al the Moose, near Silverton in July
Other Western Slope residents were not so tolerant.
“If the liberals want more wolves they should try them out in Littleton or Boulder and see how that goes first,” said Mirabelle Pritchard of Ecstasy Orchards in Paonia. I intend to write my newly elected Congresswoman suggesting a bill that reintroduces wooly mammoths to Cherry Hills.”
Pritchard conceded that predators rarely attack apple and cherry trees saying she feels for her neighbors who run sheep or cattle.
Others took a wait and see approach
“Some of the folks were just thrilled at having wolves in the state again but they’ve been here the entire time,” said Al the Moose. “The idea had been to keep the wolf presence quiet or not rock the conestoga. Life can be disappointing enough as it is. Who are we to disillusion them.”
-Fred Zeppelin
“There are cracks in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen
Many Public Radio DJs Live Normal Lives
Apology: Most public radio DJs do not live in the station studios as was recently reported on sanjuanhorseshoe.com, a low-budget website claiming 4.5 million readers. Whether the DJs rent or own their homes, they in fact almost always have a private place to sleep, cook, bathe and exist when they are not on the air.
Rarely do these stewards of the airwaves hot bunk, snore or eat crumbcake in bed, say their listeners. We apologize for the pain and the lingering hurt our story must have inflicted with such an insensitive portrayal and volley of dismissive accusations.
However, all accidental innuendo and outright indictment stereotyping these digital spinners as sex symbols/ rock and roll idols will continue until the proper channels respond to “pebbles against the window” and these allegations are proven false once and for all.
-Pepper Salte
CONNIE CONSUMER SAYS:
Executive Heated Toilet Seats Won’t Leave You Hanging
Don’t fall for the rap from those callous, high-pressure toilet seat salesmen. All they care about is a sale. Very few of them actually own one. Negotiating with them is like being home schooled by hungry crocodiles.
Rule of thumb: Spend top dollar and insure a comfy bottom. Buy a custom seat, fitted and responsive to your body. Don’t go cheap. The quality seats often last up to 50 years with proper maintenance.
Tired of chipping ice for your daily constitution? Avoiding the runaround by using idle time on the hot seat. Deal only with a reputable merchant. Promises of free toilet paper will seem rather banal if you get burned or even electrocuted with an inferior product.
Reminder: Free demo trial date termination is January 3 for residents of Coal Creek, Pea Green and the Snotty Beach Communities. Top manufacturers include Sure Fanny / Tushvent, Stool Trophy, Pooper Pal and of course the royal name in toilet seats…Cozy Bum.
– Carlos Tuna contributed to this report
New decades and old resolutions
“We’ll be in Richmond by summer or I’ll eat Mr. Lincoln’s hat.”
-General George B. McClellan, Army of the Potomac, January 1, 1862.
“I can’t believe the bear ate Grandpa. Next year we’ll have to be more careful.”
– Melvin Bedwetter-Toole, Glacier National Park, Montana.
“I hope to go peacefully in a whiskey barrel and end up in Heaven on Sunday afternoon.”
– If Wishes Were Nickels, by Attila Gudgeon Jr. Testosterone Bros., Boston
It’s New Year’s Resolution season again but don’t despair, this is not one of those stupid resolution columns that demands towering commitments or a burning desire for improvement. Although documented episodes of out with the old, in with the new exist throughout the annals of history, perhaps there is no better time to categorize these vows than at the beginning of a decade.
Conveniently enough, this enlightened harvest of historically linked passages arrived in our semi-cognizant copy basket on New Year’s Eve. While we realize that there are a multitude of promises and pledges that have had far more impact on mankind, we have chosen to focus on resolutions that were actually kept.
Despite other images that this piece may conjure up, it is apparent that the elements, the planets, and the gods have always looked favorably on 20th year resolution makers. It’s kind of an eleventh hour plus nine thing.
It should be of some relief to all that Big Brother has yet to get around to making these annual covenants mandatory for all citizens. Our earliest concurrent reference point is 600* that, in itself, represents an epic journey into the past by a bush league research team that has yet to recover from the office Christmas party.
Centuries after Guana, a Neanderthal inhabiting Asia Minor in about 4521 BC, started her New Year by promising that she would get her family out of “this drafty old cave and into something modular”, St. Augustine started the ball rolling. Curiously enough it was January 1 in the 20th Year of the 6th Century. The stodgy bandwagon moralist had promised Pope Gregory he would convert Britain to Christianity. Two months later he baptized a leading antagonist, Ethelbert of Kent. Ethelbert would go on to become one of the most abrasive lounge singer/performers in Canterbury. Seeing what he had done, Augustine made a second resolution in which he promised never to discuss religion or politics. He then retired to a remote monastery to write his memoirs. Highlights of other maintained resolutions quite possibly include:
721 AD: Marauding Arabs, searching for the legendary oil reserves described by the Roman poet, Sinclair, sack Carthage mistaking it for the planned community of Mesopotamia. Their leader, Caliph Abdelmelik III, then makes a New Year’s Resolution to have a map of Asia Minor stenciled on his right forearm.
821 AD: Byzantine Empress Irene overthrows her son, Constantine, blinds him, and assumes sole power. She then proposes to marry Charlemagne. After repeated rejections of that conjugal arrangement, Irene promises to quit chasing men and to stop blinding people. Despite her behavior and due to family money, the Greek Orthodox Church later canonized her.
921: After a string of architectural disasters, early electrical contractor, Alfonso III, resolves only to wire castles built with drywall. Saracens, looking for an open service station, get into a gas war with Bulgarians. In January they make a resolution to put their condos in the Holy Land on the market in order to pay for further military excursions into Europe.
1021: On December 31 Danes promise to stop sacking the Irish Coast but they don’t say anything about rape and/or pillage. The Sultan of Ghazi resolves to send his gums to the dentist once a year. Gondola operators in Venice pledge to go on strike until tips improve. A dramatic population explosion in China gives birth to the concept of 1/2 orders on sweet and sour pork.
1121: The Cid takes Valencia from the Moors and promises to return it when he’s finished with a Christian remodel. Unfortunately it is mislabeled as a present to his precocious offspring, who break it the day after Christmas.
1221: An assortment of holy men, including St Anthony of Padua and Chinese philosopher, Chu-Hsi promised to stop talking to the sky.
1221: Scots defeat British at Stirling Bridge and then again at Chevy Chase. King Edward I of England’s New Year’s Resolution is to refrain from playing his bagpipes before dawn. He instructs his troops to avoid looking up the kilts worn by anyone related to Robert T. Bruce.
1421: The Duke of Gloucester vows to stick to his diet in 1398 but is murdered before he can properly push himself away from his dining room table.
1521: Lucretia Borgia, daughter of Pope Alexander VI, shocks the Vatican by divorcing Giovanni Sforza and running off with Alfonso of Naples. Her New Year’s Resolution: Don’t unpack until the ring is paid for. Michelangelo sculpts “Bacchus” and pledges to stop using profane language during his next project.
1621: Vasco de Gama rounds the Cape of Good Hope under the flag of Lisbon. However, after the check bounced, the explorer resolves that further business dealings with the Portuguese would be on a COD basis. The Second Spanish Armada is scattered by storms in the Atlantic. Spanish King Phillip II makes a resolution to start watching the Weather Channel in 1620. He further pledges to move out of his mom and dad’s basement by summer.
1721: Peter the Great luggage is once again lost during a journey through Prussia, Holland, England and Vienna. He makes the trek disguised as Peter Michailoff in order to study European ways. In January of 1701 he vows to travel with only a carry on.
1821: Casanova drops dead moments after vowing to stop chasing young women. After taking Vienna, Napoleon resolves to keep an extra pair of dry socks in his pack. He then exhorts his tired soldiers to “let the good times roll”. Headhunters in New Guinea make their first New Year’s Resolution: To eat only vegetarians. The Court of Versailles promises to clean its Venetian blinds once a month.
1921: The citizens of Savage Basin, Colorado pledge to stop carousing and staying up late. Old Man Roberts, proprietor of Tuller and Roberts Grocery vows to stop bitching and chewing tobacco when he has to cut up a chicken. Mrs. Williams, a cook at the Victor Restaurant in Ophir, promises to stop burning her husband’s toast. “Shorty” Bridgeman, “the racker salesman” resolves to stop spitting while during conversations. Dr. Copp, a Durango dentist vows to stop drinking at the New Sheridan Hotel before oral surgery. The United States government promises to uphold all future treaties with the Ute Nation since most of the tribe has already been relocated to Utah anyway.
Next time: 20th Century Dog and Pony Resolutions
