All Entries Tagged With: "food"
UNDER THE TREE
Here is our quintessential inventory of the more innovative gift ideas for Christmas this year. American made Yuletide alms that, while not always tasteful, are affordable at least on the Black Market or from the foul-mouthed troll down under the bridge. Plunge ahead through mounds of sugar plumb diversions and stocking stunners that might just jingle someone’s bells. Remember: All live items require proof of inoculation and may involve lengthy quarantine procedures.
Our suggestions…
BILLY BOB’S Y’ALL LOG – Embrace the Panhandle Look this Christmas with the Free Burning Y’All Log from Alaskan Wilderness Explorers. Never be dependent on foreign or domestic firewood again. Natural gas, bark included, cream cleaned upon installation. Compatible with window air conditioning units made prior to 1960. Perfect for those visitors from the South, deep or otherwise. Caution: Contains wood fly-products. Self-lighting, odor-free, simulated flame. $235.99 with one-year warranty. Available at Ridgway Hardware.
PILTDOWN COMFORTER – Chase away winter’s chill with overstuffed chunks of Piltdown fabric from Eoanthropus Brothers of Pireus. Contains actual skull fragments, grizzle and cloning scraps from the laboratory floor. Seems to be fire-proof too. And the best news is that this chemically induced product will survive everything from baby’s next accident to a full-fledged nuclear engagement. Only $145. Test drive one today at Roll Me Over I Think I’m Done Boutique or any local parachute dealer
RIDE-EASY WIRELESS DUI MACHINE – Do you know someone still stupid enough to drink and drive? Why let them waste precious holiday shopping moments on roadside tests and backward alphabets? It’s cold out there along the side of the highway. Have you been drinking? Of course not! It’s the holidays. Everyone should be ready when the next officer comes to call. Complete digital response, activated charcoal-clip friendly. Never overheats except in the summer. Comes in single malt or blended. Not recommended for dirt bikes. Watch one work at all Highway Patrol Auto Parts Stores and all local jails.
HIBERNATION HELPER – Know a recluse who won’t even leave the house even to buy a lottery ticket or take out the trash? Give them a case of this stuff and they might not even leave the bathroom. Mixed powder substitute with chrome-glaze finish. Pretty colored bag that’s almost impossible to open thanks to tamper-proof defoliant. Vegetable-free with estimated shelf life of a little over a decade. Odorless cord on industrial alarm may frighten children but makes this an easy gift to keep wrapped till the end. All you add is a layer of stored body fat and a pinch of fur. Individual packets insure privacy. Available at all Solar Foods and at Life Preserves at the Sprawl.
POCKET TABLE SAW – Perfect for the carpenter on the move. How many times have you heard them say, “Boy, if I just had a table saw…” Now the excuses are over. Folds up to 3 square inches for practical use. Metric sensitive. Inflatable for nautical application. Safe for use with most lumber products due to attachable fuel injection pump. Sucks up its own sawdust for a tidy exit. Dominant eye goggles not included. $500 w/ tiny matchbook case and file. Waferboard Paradise.
LOUIS XIV HEAD TRELLIS – Just like the one the silly French king wore to the guillotine. Let them say “I have delusions of grandeur” with one of these hanging off their throne. One size fits all. 100% organic, living material that blends with the scalp to create that peruke look for holiday parties. Compatible with all airline security systems and most cowboy hats. Shampoo lubricant and body hair nuclear steam iron sold separately. No shed guarantee pending. Only $75 at Wigs and Figs. Cart ride and basket extra.
SUNNY MORNING BREAKFAST WINE SAMPLER – Lots of delicious vintages for holiday chill-outs. Remind them that breakfast is indeed the most important meal of the day. Arrives by third-class mail in a phony goatskin in draped holly substitute. Find the right wine for each of your favorite breakfast meats. The December selection features a slim, irritating burgundy that is a sleazy remedy when served on a stick with fried baloney and cornmeal mush. Other holiday drinking ideas spelled out on the side of the case. $19.95 for holiday assortment. December collection available exclusively at liquor stores everywhere.
THE WINDSURFER MATTRESS – It’s hard to believe that Western man has survived so long without this technology and the concept is so simple. For added security outside the home this fully lined anti-inflammatory floatation disc is almost invisible in or out of the water. And if this isn’t enough its uni-sex, pet safe and washable. Buy early as we project that they’ll be out of stock quickly. $800 – $1600 at Sleep and Booty or check us out on the web at www.ed’sbeds.com.
RUBBER CHICKEN WINDOW DRESSING – Just like going to Chinatown without the mess. This was my favorite gift from last year and it’s still up! Looks great next to the Christmas lights. Smaller version for the tree or mantle. Almost the right last minute gift. Not appropriate for pets. Comes plucked or au natural. Great to take camping, through X-ray machines or prop up in the rear window of your car. And rest assured the manufacturer has been in business since the Ming Dynasty. Lord and War Lord’s, Gooey’s and Victoria’s Rubber Chickens. Under $10 new.
CLOSE RANGE ASSAULT POTATO LAUNCHER – So many uses its senseless to discuss. Just like the ones given to the Northern Alliance/Taliban in Afghanistan by the CIA back in 1982. Comes with frontal target fetish, ammo plunger, assortment of fuses and flare packages. Capable of neutralizing small Japanese cars. Can be camouflaged to look like an everyday cucumber case. These are not toys and will not be sold to minors without someone’s consent. $2000 with chrome beadwork. Slightly less when you use your Salivation Army card. Potatoes…They’re not just for vodka anymore.
LIMITED EDITION THIRD REICH SWISS ARMY KNIFE – Recently released technology has made these keepsakes available once again for another holiday season. Signature red handle hides the true intentions within. Rational accessory to any venture whether fiscal or utilitarian. Comes with over 40 combinations. Perfect for the history head or someone who likes salami. From Location Is Everything Cutlery at fine stores around you.
DUDE NEWSPAPER SEASON BEST ON RECORD
(Ouray) The San Juan Horseshoe is admitting to staggering profits after completion of its third Dude News Session, terminating in October. The 2-week seminars give newspaper buffs the opportunity to get a little figurative ink under their fingernails in the computer age.
Participants, who must apply for the minimal spots as early as April, undergo the pain as well as the joy of real journalists. Deadlines, logistical nightmares regarding circulation and subscription correspondence, and computer skills are highlighted. Perhaps the most useful experience occurs on the last day of the dude ranch venue where students actually herd wavering advertisers into a pen for branding (read fleecing).
“That was my favorite,” said Bennie Furnace Hemmingway of Clovis, New Mexico. “How they coerced those merchants in that small veal shoot is beyond me!”
The regular dude staff enjoy breaks from the tedious grind too. Many spend lazy afternoons sitting around the camp jug sneering at and then shouting encouragement to the tabloid rookies.
“We just chill and let these overachievers overachieve,” said darkroom analyst, Juan Cameroon Swayze. “Last week we ran a bad blood drive in Crested Butte where our guests dropped their chaps and mooned the new trail boss, Vail and Associates, while we took photographs.
After that we had an authentic western cookout where we charged our clients in a grand fashion and served them delicacies like Slate River humus, East River biscuits, cowboy beans and choice of Guinness Lite or warm, poorly distilled vodka drinks. Staying on top of food cost is everything these days. The brandings, or bovine tattoo handicraft as we like to call it, were an optional extra.”
The rickety management of The Horseshoe feels that corporate America needs to understand how jerkwater operations like this website are formulated. Survival techniques, social skills and alcohol control are a side effect as is proper spelling, grammar and extensive (often elitist) vocabulary use.
“And all of our delivery wagons run on methane gas made right down on the farm, taking advantage of the hayseed culture that’s all around us,” said Swayze, a heavy proponent of horses’ rights and advocate of horses’ asses.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
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“…that if the earth and moon were about to collide many persons would doubtless sit up upon the roofs to witness the collision.”
– from The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane
Deadline for hibernation permits draws near
(Bland Valley) Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.
“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Ima Sleep, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”
In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Sleep, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired, but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”
-Ripple Van Winkle
ANCHOR PROS CAN’T FIND BLACK CANYON
(Denver) Representatives from the four major Denver television news teams remain lost at press time after failing to discover the entrance to the Black Canyon National Park.
Squads of geography specialists, sent to rescue the company of explorers, reportedly caught up to the first wave Friday near Parlin. Rather than brave the premature darkness and unprovoked wild animal attacks the revived entourage circled their minivans and secured their minicams, bivouacking in the shadows of Quartz Creek for the night.
“We’re not concerned,” said one West Slope tourism expert. “The real people from the Confront Range who visit our parks won’t have any trouble finding our national park,” said Al Kahaulik, a Club Zero spokesman. “Most notice road signs.”
According to eyewitnesses irrigating near the shores of Cedar Creek the broadcasters were busy looking at their hair in the rearview mirror and missed the turn-off. Then, the second wave did the same. Circling around toward the North Rim of the canyon they once again became distracted with the state of their make-up and went right by that entrance too. An estimated 45% of the original contingent is now said to be in Utah.
“It’s really funny to see troupes of cellulose scribes driving back and forth not realizing that their best sides are not even on camera. They’ve already reached pseudo-star status so why not rely on celestial navigation to get them to their destination.”
Local authorities say it’s all the better that the TV news teams missed the signs since they’d probably fall off the edge anyway.
“Although many of these types think they can fly, the laws of gravity can be harsh,” said one undersheriff. “Most aren’t competent enough to stroll leisurely along the chasm while simultaneously primping for the camera.
– Fred Zeppelin
College Football Hyphenated League Standings
wins and losses
Reuters-Newark 12 2
Harley-Davidson 11 5
Texas-El Paso 11 8
Rose-Hulman 10 10
Wisconsin-Oshkosh 10 10
Tenn.-Martin 1012
Duckbill-Sterno 9 11
Missouri-Volvo 7 15
Culver-Stockton 5 15
Carson-Newman 5 15
Lenoir-Rhyne 1 12
Late scores: Ezra Brooks 21, Fahrts 14; Upper Mississippi Chiropractic 12, Whatsamatta U. 0; Simon Fraser 41, University of Downtown Delta 3; Hooterville 21, Bo Diddley 20; Ophir Barber College 28, Evelyn Wood 6; Samoa Teachers 35, Tarkio 21.
Ridgway Implements 5 mph Speed Limit
The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a 5-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the post office.
Responding to safety and quality of life concerns the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.
No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of motivated labor and higher wages promised in the high country.
With more cars come more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, then came a new bridge structure along with a slew of turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. Highway 550 has been patched like the a flower sack dress.
“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill or Dallas Creek,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has a five mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they will go away.”
One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel.
“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.
The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.
– Small Mouth Bess