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County Votes on Changing Era Milestones

“Before Marie and After Marie”

(Ridgway) Long-accepted era abbreviations BC and AD may soon become BM and AM around these parts if voters here have their way. The new designations, honoring the late Marie Scott, a legendary rancher in Pleasant Valley, will be adopted immediately if the referendum passes.

The proposed measuring tools BM (Before Marie) and AM (After Marie) are expected to have an impact in a community where the many of the new residents are not familiar with the generous Scott who ran a tight ship, managing her large ranches hands-on. In so many ways she lived a lifestyle akin to the 19^th Century.

“If she liked you, you could have anything she had,” said Bill Domka, a former neighbor who grew up around Scott. “If she didn’t like you, you best not come onto the property.”

The secular time capsules, indicating centuries before and after the Christian era are generally well balanced. The new eras are lopsided since Marie wasn’t born until 1896. (She passed in 1979). Before and during her life of Ridgway was still a wild place. Then, following her death it began to change – some for the good – some not, depending on one’s perspective.

“That’s only 83 years to the outsider but when one considers the impact she had locally it all makes sense,” said another rancher who worked with Marie for over 6 decades.

It is hoped that the new era milestones will encourage newer residents to embrace the rich local history of the region rather than settling for a transitory status in a poor man’s Telluride. Woman in particular don’t have to look far for inspiration. No saint, Marie exhibited the qualities necessary for survival in what was certainly a world and vocation dominated by men. She was tough enough to win and kind enough to help a lot of people along the way.

Those of us who knew her remember her fondly in her cowboy duds with that red hair and rouge on her cheeks. She wore Levis or Wranglers but never washed a pair. When they got dirty she simply bought more giving the old pairs away or throwing them in the garbage. That was her very own brand of extravagance, her luxury. Not the least bit eccentric she talked to her dog a lot, delivered steaks from Safeway to needy families at Christmas, and loved to drive her red jeep all over her land, checking cows, inspecting ditches and giving the forest service hell for one thing or another.

A classic original, she and her world will never be replaced.

– Kevin Haley

 

FREE SKI AND BOBBY MCGEE

from a few years ago…

…when Crested Butte offered free skiing during a few days early in the season.

with apologies to Kris Kristopherson

Busted flat in Gunnison

waitin’ for the dump.

Been feelin’ bout as jaded

as my means.

Bobby flagged a pickup down

just before it snowed.

Rode it all the way

to Crested Butte.

Held onto my goggles

and my dirty red bandana

banking curves

while Bobby sang the blues.

Hungry magpies

makin’ time

holding Booby’s hand in line

We sang every song

that lift op knew.

Skiing’s just another word

for nothing much to do.

The skiing ain’t worth nothin’

‘less it’s  free.

Feelin good was easy, Lord

when he missed a tree.

Feelin good was good

enough for me

Good enough for free ski

and Bobby McGee.

One day near East River

Lord, I let him slip away

He’s lookin’ for those bumps

and I hope he finds them

And I’d trade all my adventures

for one single powder day

to be holdin’ Bobby’s body

next to mine.

(Repeat chorus).

AVALANCHE BOLTING RESULTS

January, 2020

Grif Gnat Powder Bowl, Utah

Toole 7:333.7. Only finish.

Summer Seed Foursomes, Alberta

Toole 5:224.9; Toole 5:223.8;

Toole 5:198.6; Toole 4:996.8

Eversore, Montana

Toole 5:933.8

Mud Meadows,Montana

Toole in the lead at  5:119.3

Cracked Corn Snow Bowl, CO

Toole 5:299.4

Figures compliments of Runner’s World

and Spatula Pavement Inc.

For more Sports see the

2020 Major League Baseball predictions

on the Financial Page.

 

“So many vermin – so little dynamite.”

From Skewers and Sewers by Carlos Rodentia

Testosterone Brothers, New York

Elkin and his brother (s)

A few years ago a guy named Elkin came up to me in front of La Tampa in Jardin and tried to make my acquaintance. This abrupt behavior (especially here in Colombia where things tend to be a bit more formal) sent up a red flag but he was just a little feller and I figured I’d humor him for a while.

He said (surprise…surprise) that his brother was down in the hospital and he needed money to visit him and bring him a few things. I said I was sorry about his brother but had no spare cash. He kept on.

“I want to go and see him. It could be the last time,” he squawked.

“Oh, it’s serious then?”

“Yes, he boinged, “could you spare 50,000 pesos ($17 or so)?

“No, Elkin, I already told you I wasn’t going to give you any money.” But I am sorry about your brother.”

“But he has cancer, señor! He’s my only living brother. The others dropped dead of tuberculosis and the measles years ago. Please…just 20,000 then?”

“Elkin, I’m beginning to think that you only want my money,” I jabbed, “because you think I’m a rich gringo and such.”

“Oh no señor. How could you think that? I’m just stretched thin and need to visit him before it’s too late. If you…”

“Where is he? Which hospital is he in?” I counterattacked.

Now I could see scammer’s wheels spinning inside that all too transparent cranium. This loutish hoodwinker! I did not know these accusing words in Spanish or I would have crucified him right on the spot. I had to hear more before I struck, plus I was mildly impressed by this little man’s brash hullabaloo.

Sly without the trump card, lacking even a butterfly net, catching caterpillar collapses without wings – This is your man Elkin. A myriad of minute conscience, delusional deception with grandiose cajones? Perhaps. Delicately, like the sound of heavy coins dropping into a metal bucket from the roof of a 5-story building, he went on.

“Just 20,000?” he asked flinching at this stubborn gringo. Most of his marks were either afraid of him or just wanted him to take his leave. That could translate into beer money or maybe even a bottle of Aguardiente on the weekends when business zipped along at full throttle.

“Ave Maria!,” he must have thought. “This was getting involved.” He hesitated, analyzing the state of affairs. This could quickly get sticky and complicated. He could tip his hand if not careful.

“In this hospital, here in Jardin,” he nodded, taking my hand with false intent and not letting go until I gingerly pushed and more forcefully pulled, escaping from his grip without shifting weight. I bent his wrist ever-so-slightly in a rear-guard maneuver. He winced.

He was beginning to aggravate  me, to the passing attention of some people I know in town, who were nursing cold beers nearby. Even his smile had now become annoying. It was yellow, maybe for all the lies.

But I am a guest in this country and should conduct myself as one.

“Elkin, I have an idea,” I said. “Let’s both go and visit him right now,” I said taking his arm this time. “It’s only a short walk away.”

He stopped, stuck like Br’er Rabbit to the tar baby, caught like a rat in a Pompeii of peanut butter. He looked from side to side as if someone in the plaza crowd might rescue him before he drowned.

“Oh, no, señor, he recanted…not now. I can’t. I have an appointment. I cannot….”

Then I heard my friend bellow from his perch in front of the bar:

“Hey Elkin: Enough,” he pleaded. “You croon the same song with different lyrics! And I, in all these years don’t remember you having a brother. You never even had a pet fish. Now if you don’t back off, your next “appointment” will be in the hospital. Se va! (go away!)”

And off slid our warped warrior, the champion debater, the fiscal wizard of Antioquia who could bamboozle these gringos with just the turn of a phrase. He seemed not the least bit offended by the inglorious banishment, keeping his eyebrows lurched and his posture tense for other los cadidos (naive ones) on the street. It’s a numbers game, heh Elkin?

Nonetheless we drank an acerbic toast to Elkin with tragos de anejo (shots of aged rum) lightly peppered with heart-of-sarcasm. We had another, after enduring an impulsive obituary about a deceased logger that I had never met.

*****

One afternoon, two years later, Elkin again approached me up on Calle 12 and told me he was suffering from cancer. I had already seen him coming down the sidewalk and crossing the street to my side. This time I was ready for this jackal of all trades.

Sadly and dramatically, as he wove fantastic, his story was concocted: He now had cancer. He had barely a week to live. As proof he removed his sombrero and showed me his close-cropped hair. It didn’t look chemo-radiated. It just looked like a howler monkey had gotten ahold of some dull scissors. He didn’t remember me from years ago because all gringos look the same.

Amused, and somewhat impressed with his blubbering, I went along avoiding any remote reference to finances. He kept up crisp dialogue, quite politely getting to the meat of the issue. He continued trimming the fat until I stopped him like a hurled, ripe mango hitting a steadfast garden wall.

“So, Elkin,” I began “How is your brother, you know the one that was in the hospital with cancer a few years ago?”

“Who?” he blurted out, taken aback by the shift in the dialogue and my familiarity with his name. His con confronted, his armor extinguished, his plan now plummeted like clown pants tumbling down to his boney knees.

“Your brother…your brother, man. You said you had to see him for the last time and asked me for money to bring him a few things. Don’t you remember me?”

Now he was perplexed. He looked around for familiar redoubts. He shifted his stance.

“I don’t have a brother señor,” he frowned. “But I do have an uncle with diabetes. He is in the same hospital in Andes where I am getting treated. Maybe you could spare a few pesos so I could bring him a few things.”

“No, but I’d buy you a bus ticket out of town if you promise never to come back,” I mumbled.

“OK,” he smiled.

– Kevin Haley

     

US Airlines Continue Descent

(Denver) Major carriers, calling the United States home have taken further measures to increase traffic and profits in 2020, while even the FAA has arrived at the departure gate, aping a dubious eyebrow.

The primary dogfight, implemented in January, has quickly riveted consumer activists who claim that flying on most airlines is a brutal experience that leaves the passenger wondering why he didn’t “take the bus”.

We are, of course, referring to the well-publicized industry plan to construct wooden livestock fences at airport gates and in some extreme cases inside “coach” as well. The use of dogs, water cannon, tear gas and branding of travelers has reportedly been discussed but not yet put into practice.

“Isn’t commercial flying in this country dehumanizing enough already?” asked a woman half-asleep during an 11-hour layover in Miami. “I’m only going from Tampa to Jacksonville. I could have driven. Last year my Uncle Mary got stuck in Denver for most of the ski season while attempting to get to Disneyland. Only a short-lived romance with a third-shift janitorial assistant allowed her a window of escape.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

“Isn’t commercial flying…dehumanizing enough already?” asked a woman, during an 11-hour layover in Miami

——————————————————————————————–

Another seemingly disoriented passenger in Chicago quacked, “Quite candidly, the airlines and the airports have created a landscape chocked full of anger and frustration. Even the beer is a rip-off, unless one is traveling with an expense account. The same people are outright pricks at airports are often kind and considerate when they are not subjected to herding, bad speakers and small spaces. Some even love little kittens.”

Other airlines, based in South America, Europe, Southeast Asia and Japan do not carry this scarlet letter. Is it greed or just insensitivity here in the home of the fleeced?

Southwest Airlines, one of the few human carriers based in the US is the exception while Icelandair has consistently been ranked at the bottom due to rude employees and dwindling amenities, despite the presence of tall blondes providing the essentials onboard.

“Try writing an email to the Icelandic customer service department,” said the woman in Miami. “You’ll get a response on the day that hell freezes over. Icelandair should change its name to Disappointment Air.”

In the midst of the crisis, Singapore, Qantas, Lufthansa, Thai, Eva Air and KLM have announced a cooperative plan to harness the sun rather than rely on expensive and polluting jet fuel to power their flights.

“It only makes sense,” said Meghan O’Healy, an executive high altitude sommelier at Qantas. “We’re already up there in the sky…you know, closer to the sun. Couldn’t we take the next step and make flying cheaper and cleaner for everyone. We could put solar collectors on the wings. We could hang windmills from our many spy satellites already in orbit.”

Meanwhile a rumor circulating at United Airlines suggests that the corporate giant begin charging passengers to use the restroom while in flight. Tagged “Operation Captive Audience” the move could generate an estimated $400,000 per year, enough to cover greens fees and lunches for selected airhead brahmans and the emerging royalty caste within the above ground conglomerates.

Most American carriers are far too busy telling you how nice they are to have the time or inclination to be nice. Those phony smiles are practiced over and again in flight attendant school. Those pseudo-happy faces would crack if they actually felt anything behind the grins. The few that actually embrace a human approach are not often rewarded for the effort.

We really don’t like most passengers,” said a veteran flight attendant on American Airlines. “All they do is ask for pillows or water all the time. Can’t they just leave us alone? Don’t they know that we have been anointed by the Boneland Security Agency? If you don’t obey we can throw you off the aircraft.”

– Signelle de Bushe

Did Trump Promise Kim He Could Meet Elvis?

(Pyongyang) Donald Trump reportedly told Kim Jong Un that he could arrange a meeting between the North Korean leader and singer Elvis Presley. The pledge, which was never put in writing, outlined a foggy scenario that stunned top dogs in Asia and put relentless pressure on the White House staff to cough up the details of the alleged get-together.

It was not clear if the North Koreans had figured out that Elvis passed back in August or 1977, seven years before the Korean strongman was born. They have remained mum on the issue since it was first suggested back in September. Political analysts in South Florida fear that the much maligned peace talks may have been terminated due to a loss of trust.

It is common knowledge that Kim and Donald, in an apparent departure from national security, consult with the same psychologist, a very secretive little man in Geneva who, fearing for his future well being, was not comfortable commenting on private sessions with either of the powerful world leaders. However a therapist in his employ hinted that any madness detected had much to do with hair.

“Donald and Kim certainly exhibit interesting hair. That is for sure,” said the aide who begged animosity. “I am not privy to any conversations but I have observed what can only be called obsession with hairdos. Kim’s locks look to be a poor copy of styles popular in the NBA while the President of the United States walks around in what can only be called pre-pubescent tresses.”

Both men sport what many barbers say are fake haircuts, the scissor men contending that both men are bald. No one knows what the elaborate bouffants are hiding within the skulls of these two privileged bullies. Trump prefers big hair while the Korean boss uses pomade gel made in the Soviet Union. It is believed that Trump colors his hair while Jong Un, who is quite a bit younger, does not.

Oddly enough recently exhumed memoirs conjure up long-held views that The King may have entertained fantasies about his hair as well.

Getting back to the preposterous rendezvous, insiders outside the White House insist that their burger-chomping demagogue never uttered the offer denying their boss ever cross-referenced Johnny Cash, Billy Holiday, Bob Marley, James Brown or the Big Bopper over the course of the negotiations with Kim.

Meanwhile Trump blamed Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama who he said were soft on immigration, communism and household spreads.

“Why all the hate?” asked the President on his way out to the driving range.

-Kashmir Horseshoe