All Entries Tagged With: "food"
McConnell will bankroll Second Coming
(Glasgow, KY) In what many see as a desperate 11th hour maneuver in his ever diminishing bid to hold his Senate seat in Kentucky, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell is promising the moon to the primitives that dawdle within his current base.
He has promised to pay for the Second Coming.
The wealthy politician did not change expression when he made the announcement. Likewise he did not disclose details or fiscal data on the outrageous undertaking, saying only that the Republicans will “once again show themselves as the party of God.”
The appearance has been coincidentally validated by “an assortment of doctoral sources, most of whom are graduates of religion institutions with accreditation and everything”, The celebration has been scheduled for sometime in late October, preceding the 2020 elections.
“We will accommodate the Lord on a fancy bluegrass estate worth just over 7 million in poverty-stricken Kentucky, says McConnell who reportedly bought the place back in 2018 to accommodate Jesus when he returned to America “to punish sinners and embrace the good folk”.
“His room is ready and waiting for him.” said McConnell who claims Christian roots when it is beneficial to him and talks salvation as part of his re-election bid, especially in more backward and rarely visited hollows in the Briar Hopper State.
A spokesman for Democrat Amy McGrath, the former Marine fighter pilot who seeks to dethrone weak-kneed McConnell, says the senator has been twisting the truth for so long that “he has not only stripped the screw bare but is beginning to resemble a soft pretzel in thought and action.”
“He always looks like he’s about to break down and cry,” said the source. “With all the subsidies, payoffs and personal gratuities he has amassed from special interest groups he should be dancing a jig.”
“This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian.
“This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian
No liberals will be permitted to talk to Jesus even though the prophet was a left-leaning radical and all.
“We will avoid needless publicity as Satan the Democrat is lurking,” said the source. “After an informal reception at an undisclosed locale he will be whisked off to Fat Margo Resort for meetings with pardoned criminals, corporate bosses and pseudo-religious figures.
“We saved the coal mines and the farmers.,” said an aide to McConnell. Now we’re gonna save your freedom from socialism.”
In a related piece the Trump supporters that got on the wrong bus at Branson, Missouri have been rescued and are now reportedly on the correct bus.
“It could happen to any of us, but it happens to these folks rather regularly,” frowned one travel guide on the scene.
Sadly, only one of the flag-waving patriots of 50 on board could tell us what each star and/or stripe designates. One named three but had a cheat sheet while another insisted that the intricacy of the 206-year-old banner is proof that God is American. None could say where Ft. McHenry was located.
(Editor’s Note: Just to set the record straight, no one associated with sanjuanhorseshoe.com ever said that McConnell could not learn to ride a bicycle as a child. We simply commented that, “In a behavioral cluster, linked to the orange fat guy, we have never witnessed the Senate Majority Leader ride a bicycle.”)
Despite accusations of insider trading regarding recently acquired funeral industry stock, McConnell is slated to meet with Russian boss Vladimir Putin to discuss opening a market for Goya Beans in the Russian Federation over the weekend.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Your Word of the Day Hoodwinked: It’s easier to fool someone than to convince them they have been fooled.
Feds, states terminate speed limits on highways
“Inconvenient and Depriving Me of My Freedom”
“We’ve had so many complaints from people who want to drive faster than the speed limit that we’re relaxing these long-held restraints.”
Those are the hollow words of Omega Man who adds that the entire sideshow is “pure folly”.
“We were inundated with confrontations, even brawls with angry, dispossessed Americans who say they won’t drive slower as prescribed by the gov’ment.” he rattled. “They were armed to the teeth.”
“They all threatened us,” sobbed Evonne Dimm, of the local asphalt users co-op in Manana. “You won’t infringe on my freedoms,” they said. “Speed limits don’t work – Look at all the highway fatalities.”
Dimm went on to say that the people had spoken.
“In a democracy like ours , you know the land of the free, we listen to our neighbors, so I guess speed limits are a thing of the past. Let’s all try to work together to privatize our liberties,” she stressed dismissively.
Hasty actions are expected within the residue of the draconian face mask controversy but for now Americans are free to floor it and drive as fast as they choose.
“Speed limits are unconstitutional,” said one self-described pedal to the metal kinda guy. “It says it right there in the Puritan’s Progress.
-Alfalfa Romero
“The pro here told me if I took up golf I’d meet legions of beautiful women. So far I’ve only met old farts like me.” -Melvin O’Toole, Dos Rios Golf Club, Gunnison, Colorado, August 25, 2020
Hummingbird Implants Condemned by AMA
(Ouray) Doctors here released yet another warning with regards to hummingbird implants during a high level conference held here Tuesday. The popular implants have become trendy in the mountains, often embraced by visitors hungry for a fix of alpine experience before heading back to the mass-produced gloom of the real world.
Dire consequences are buzzing and swooping in a frontal attack on the unwary and careless
The implants, often associated with fashion phenomenon like body piercing, RV injections and the wearing of furs, are unhealthy say the physicians.
“Despite the seemingly harmless adoption of a flying accessory in one’s wardrobe, danger lurks inches from the beak ,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, who flunked out of veterinarian school seven times before becoming a leading brain surgeon last year. “Sure, the hummingbirds look cool and the practice may be considered chic by the idle rich, but in the end a dangerous precedent has been set.”
Legislation is pending as to whether hummingbird implants should be regulated by state or federal agencies. Some say the rage leads to hyperactivity and a severely decreased attention span while others insist that the simple procedure is as harmless as toenail painting and/or a six-foot tattoo.
“One thing’s for sure,” spout animal rights advocates, “the birds don’t enjoy it. If we let this process continue it could easily result in the absence of hummingbirds altogether. Remember the popularity of beaver pelt hats? Remember when we had schools of whales around here? Our efforts to save them failed because the public didn’t care. We will not sit by and watch the same things happen to hummingbirds. We will save them even if it means an end to the human race.”
The art of hummingbird implanting arrived in this country with Kurdish missionaries in 1800 but was rejected by Puritans who felt the practice was potentially enjoyable. Later, during the First World War the birds were rationed and fell from grace in high fashion circles. Splinter groups attempted to exhume the ritual by introducing pigeons as ample substitutes in the Fifties only to be trampled by a mad exodus to the suburbs.
“We’d like to send a message to all those people that insist on hanging feeders on their porches too,” said Pennywhistle: “We know who you are and what you’re up to.”
– Susie Compost
Smoked Mini Sneffels for lunch
The San Juans caught a lot of the smoke from several wildfires to the north and west this week. No rain, high winds, polarizing politics, viruses, pollution…what a world. At least a day up high can make one forget our troubles for a while….but no deep breathing please. Above we can see Mears Peak from West Dallas amid the haze. (Toole Photo)
Jesus, Mohammed not taking sides
(Baghdad) In long awaited, simultaneous announcements both Jesus and Mohammed say they are not taking sides in Mideast conflicts and that their allegiances and alliances are not with either the Arabs, the Persians, the Russians or the West.
The combined statements clearly indicate that the two leading religious icons are staying out of the earthly squabbles. Both stressed the folly of God siding with anybody on anything, adding that these self-serving holy warriors are sadly mistaken and poorly informed. They counted Buddha, too, who they said was is in full compliance with their longstanding policy of non-intervention.
No present day church leaders were not consulted, never mind included, in this ancient faction.
“They have done immeasurable damage to the human race and are generally thought to be war mongers and money changers,” brashly punctuated a press release slid under our door this morning.
Meanwhile the head of the World Bank, B.L. Zebub, said his institution would continue to support both sides in emerging conflicts, depending on who has the most cash on hand at the time.
“Collateral damage is to be expected in modern warfare,” said a dark-winged angel. “We congratulate man for his ingenuity in weaponry and population control. Meanwhile we will continue to process the damned, overwhelmed but not yet overrun.”
– H.L. Menoken
“Socialism never works until Grandma needs a ride on the bus.” – Leon Blotzky
Many US statues pulling up stakes
(Richmond, VA) A vast cross-section of sculptures, effigies, figurines, bronzes and even some busts are off to greener pastures for fear of being toppled, disfigured or defaced in the suddenly trendy, anti-racist frolic here in the US.
Most of those at risk are headed to Easter Island where they have been granted temporary refugee status. Some other statues are reportedly steaming toward Kampuchea, Venice and the Colossus of Rhodes.
International icons such as Peter the Great, the Little Mermaid and a glut of Buddhas say they are sit-in it out hoping the massacre will not paddle across oceans into their domains.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Let’s not confuse Jim Crow with Robert E Lee. Them Yankees don’t give a lick for you Bessie.” – The Statue of Liberty to former house slave, Bessie Wonder, New Orleans 1866 from the film “Bone With the Wind”