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Horseshoe Will Check Emotional Baggage

(Gunnison) In keeping with regulations set down by the Homestand Security Agency the San Juan Horseshoe will check the emotional baggage of all readers at the time of boarding. The procedure, much like that at the airport, is particularly interested in bombs, drugs and small pets but will also be looking for people smuggling cynicism into the paper as well.

Indications that potential readers harbor ill will toward security charades will be reported to the authorities immediately while any uncooperative attitude such as whispering, laughing at security personnel or negative body language will likewise be noted. 

“We are particularly offended by persons rolling their eyes in response to questioning and chewing gum while in line,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, publisher of the paper. “Last month we discovered the late Saddam Hussein’s mustache attempting to sneak onto page 4. As it turned out the thing was in search of political amnesty but the very thought of terrorist activity sent shivers down our spineless accounting department.”

Readers accustomed to easy access to the website will be inconvenienced with the boarding times lengthened by only a few minutes. Persons who fight the system will be detained in small rooms without windows and very likely denied entry altogether.

“We don’t care if you have a ticket and have never committed a felony,” continued Horseshoe. “As far as we’re concerned you are all potential terrorists and have no rights. The very fact that you might be reading is an indication that you do not support the efforts of the Television Administration and should be deported.”

The paper will reportedly hire some 10,000 security people to man various departments where subversive element may attempt to gain entry. Subscription and advertising costs are expected to skyrocket but as Horseshoe says, “Unlike the gov’ment we cannot operate within a deficit spending mode. The new expenses are bad enough but what’s worse is going through all those suitcases. Our people aren’t trained for that sort of thing.”  

– Fred Zeppelin