All Entries Tagged With: "Elk Mountains"

Rating the South American Telenovelas

Every afternoon a deep peace descends in neighborhoods and small towns all over the South American continent. From Bogota to Buenos Aires and from Santiago to Guadalajara blinds are pulled and shutters dropped against the midday sun and peering eyes. The plot unfolds…slowly…very slowly for dramatic affect much like the tedious television news and the hyped up weather.

 TV Critics insist that these dramas are poorly concocted and methodically presented but they are part of life for millions who watch them religiously and contribute to the phenomenon. Some are sexy. Some are just windows in lives passing by. Others are the jumping off point for the celebrities of the future. Some seem more real than we do.

 Here are our favorites: Keep in mind that if you miss a week or so you can quickly catch back up as most of scenarios lap themselves and the intrigue is spent on the trailers. Tune in where overacting, bad organ music and well-worn narratives rule.

Herederos de Una Venganza

Perhaps the best known of all the Argentine daytime dramas, this never-mundane, always surprising favorite cascades down the mountain to the sea where cold beaches and windy plateaus await the brave and fearless. Don’t cry for me Argentina! Land stealing, cattle rustling, vintage wines, Cuban cigars, wife stealing, husband seducing episodes break from tradition. Scantily dressed gauchos parade through the ages whispering warnings about the embrace of lust and the disregard for etiquette.

La Maria Del Barrio

Long-running Mexican production with poor girl rags to riches theme. The heroine finds herself living in the house of the local patron where she falls in love with his handsome son. Sadly so have all of the other girls in town leaving Maria doting over the lost love she never had in the first place. Is Luis Fernando worth her standing in town? Will she be admonished by the extended family when they arrive for her odd brother’s Quinceanera in just a few days?

El Cartel de los Sapos

Ramon “Stoolie” Guzman runs aground when he tries to sell a bag of outdated chicharron to his former bosses in the cartel. This Colombian masterpiece dwells a little too long on the glories of drug smuggling and was kicked off the air in Panama and Ecuador. Collaboration with the police does not always work out well Guzman finds out one night at the bar that he is being watched by the very people he fingered. In keeping with a flowing anatomy they plan to break our hero’s arms and legs.

Mi Gorda Bella

Fat girl in Venezuela overcomes her challenges and becomes the top cosmetic surgeon in the region while the political climate diminishes along with her wealthy clientele. Her poorly plotted escape route is discovered and she is forced into the arms of the rogue police investigator Ricardo Muntante, renowned cyclist and muralist in Caracas. Will Julia stay off the sweets or will she join the millions of destitute dispossessed on miracle diets?

La Usurpadora

Love, money and betrayal…Can they all arrive at once? Bad acting and a horrible soundtrack overshadow this insipid plot. The untimely Mexican melodramatic music creeps its way into each episode like some whiney punctuation mark or a dose of simple syrup for the intrepid caste at bedtime. We have Paulina, Paola, Paul, Paulito, Paulette, Pablo and Pillar. Paulina and Paola were Siamese twins separated at birth. The others are just window dressing. Cameos by Mother Delphin fail to prop up the imbecilic exchanges and tempered threats that fly about the stage.

Las Juanas

This popular Colombia soap focuses on five daughters, fathered by Jorge Lucinn aka “Juan”. Rather than face up to responsibilities of parenting Lucinn goes out and starts another family. Soon the humane society captures Juan and begins the process of elimination. Caribbean scenes and lazy lifestyle are relaxing but go nowhere. Beach umbrellas are never enough to protect civilization from global warming while mindless coffee commercials irritate even the channel surfer.

O Clone

Far-fetched Brazilian presentation based on cloned lovers, Muslims from Rio and a naughty shoe convention. Jade, the Saharan princess is the prize but doesn’t know it until it’s too late. Armani, the sailor severed from the sea looks for credibility in a salty world far from the waves. His clone steals his woman duty-free and the two run off to Mozambique where they introduce daytime dramas to the capital, Maputo, the adopted city of Fred Sanford.

Donde Esta Elisa?

This suspenseful Chilean program focuses on the disappearance of the daughter of a Brahmin family in Santiago. Secrets quickly emerge when all of the family members become suspects despite airtight alibis. Kidnappers troll the wealthy suburbs while the cops dine on black eel and sip from tumblers of Don Melchor.

Muneca Brava

Hopeless love, the cruel orphan culture, heirs to fabulous fortune and love-hate flings thrive amid stimulating pampas muscle spasms. Inside the garden we see the restful pace of Olivia Chui, a disbarred attorney who joins the convent only to find she does like men, as long as they know their place. After much soul searching Olivia, played by Kid Malbec, and her newfound mate’ gourd and bombilla, leave the bright lights of the LaPlata for the Gran Chaco to open a Chicharia. Although a relative newcomer, this Argentine novela has claimed its place in television history.

-Ezmerelda de Rocha

KIOSK

Reunion: All of those who were barred or 86th from Red’s Gravy Heaven for bad behavior between the years of 1979 and 2019 are cordially invited to a reunion. RSVP, LSMFT. No Irish. Manana’s only Smoke House Vegan Bar and Grill. Come meet the new owners.

Locally distilled gin, smooth, cures neurosis, grows hair, breaks down superstition. Pix of distiller Harry “Himself” Juniper-Bushe. The gate is open. Mind the bulls.

(All the chatter about so many new distilleries opening up…promises to relieve side affects of old age, neutralize simple mental illness and cure baldness by the application of an ancient remedy involving the square root of 2/3. What can one make of it?)

Help wanted: Three strong laborers to help dig up buried news stories from the nation’s past. Security provided. Good grammar essential. Drones and Diggers, Whitewater.

Deadline to apply for Colorado Celebrity Status is Feb 15, 2020. Be sure to mark seasonal on your application. Last chance to separate yourself from the peasantry for next summer’s juried events.

TWENTY OF THE BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE

It’s August. Do you know where last December’s fruit cake is? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:

1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems

2. Spongy, once-edible lifts for shoes

3. Decorative moss Mediterranean fireplace grout

4. Trail tofu kibble for small herd animals

5. Mediterranean house trailer skirting

6. Throw-away windshield scraper/breakfast bars (check use dates)

7. Candied stick deodorant

8. Sure-grip roofing supplement spikes for safe snow removal

9. Tear-away political platforms

10. Solar-Spell Astroturf

11. A offensive line for the Broncos.

12. Dog house insulation

13. Congressional dartboards

14. Leak-proof chinking material

15. Canvasses for bad western artists

16. Jigsaw puzzles

17. Patching for the ozone

18. Square Frisbees

19. U.S. Constitution one-speed bicycle grips

20. Succulent decoupage

-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath, critic

“You have to believe. That’s what I think. It’s not about medicine and all that stuff. You have to believe a person can get better. There is so much in the human mind we don’t understand, but you see if you have faith you can do anything.”                 

• Young girl working at convenience store near Kingsbridge talking about cancer recovery in The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry

News from Alaska

“Investigative Journalism at it’s Finest” from The Juneau What?

Missing piece of capital found in luggage

A piece of concrete from the Capitol Building was discovered today by a Juneau International Airport TSA worker, confirming the rumor that the capital was being moved piece by piece to somewhere up North.

The piece was about two feet by one foot by eight inches and apparently came from some- where below the Governor’s office.

“At first it was pens and pencils, then note- pads, a few jobs here and there, but this is absolutely the most shocking revelation yet,” spurted Bob Carrot of the Stop The Capital Creep Committee.

“We did a study and found there are actually more than four tons missing. Some of it has just vanished, but much of it has been cleverly replaced with a faux concrete material,” explained Carrot.

“If this is allowed to continue, one day soon, the whole building will just crumble by itself,” said (continued on page 34)

– from The Juneau What?

NASA Breaks Alien Code

(Houston) The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has broken the code used by UFOs and other wandering aliens to communicate among themselves. It has been determined that the space creatures have used this code for more than 40 years.

The primary code, hacked by NASA scientists Thursday, appears to be simple and direct. It has survived attempts by the giants of the solar system to crack it and has protected its identity, avoiding contact with humans at all times.

“The code is this: K-E-E-P T-H-E-M I-N T-H-E-I-R H-O-U-S-E-S. D-EL-I-V-E-R T-H-E-M T-A-C-O-S, chirped a top space scientist here. We understand it on one level but that’s all. Whether they have duplicate, offsetting codes or if this one is just a dummy code is not clear at this time.”

Rumors that aliens are already here and communicating with lower primates were dismissed by a Congressional hearing this morning, leading the more radical wing of the researcher delegates to walk out in protest.

Keen military minds remain on alert and local police are monitoring the behavior of taco delivery entities all over the country.

“We should welcome these space creatures as guests,” said an Area 51 enthusiast from Area 52. “Maybe they can achieve peace in the Mideast, racial harmony in these United States, pay off the national debt and offer free education and medical like they have in Europe.”

The code, which covers a variety of topics and exercises, interfaces well with a multitude of communications, many of which are ridiculous diversions. It is not known if the aliens know about the breach of security.

Perhaps intelligent beings do not want to land on earth. It may all look like Branson and Orlando to them.

 – Tommy Middlefinger

Trump hit by pitch

(Washington) President Trump, appearing at the plate at a Congressional softball match, was struck in the forehead by a wayward pitch last night and is recovering in the Green Room at the White House. He reportedly has the blues and doctors are giving him reds.

His decision not to wear a batting helmet was lauded by his quasi-macho base. They still think he’s tough. Trump has been hit in the stomach several times in softball matches since his election but never in the noggin. Trump refuses to wear elbow pads, batting gloves or knee pads (even around Putin). He normally employs  glove but can not catch worth a damn according leaks pouring forth from the keystone.

“He didn’t even try to get out of the way of the ball,” said the catcher for the Democrat squad. “He just stuck out his head and collided with the ball.”

Trump is currently batting .125 in intellectual circles while leading the league in stolen dreams and unfounded bravado. He is most likely bound for the minors although injuries to starters may dictate a different scenario in 2020.

In a related development the Topps Baseball card company say it will terminate the Donald Trump card since no one collects them. Experts say the data on the back of the card is all lies.

– Dolores Alegria

Attractive female arm wrestler needed to sell ads for Horseshoe website in Durango and Telluride. Good pay. sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net