All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"
Limpieza de playas nudistas programada para el sábado
(Blue Mesa) La limpieza anual de primavera de las playas nudistas de la región se llevará a cabo este sábado por la mañana. A las personas que deseen participar se les pide que traigan herramientas para el césped, bolsas de plástico y una buena actitud. Se proyecta que se necesitarán más de 400 voluntarios para hacer el trabajo.
Los organizadores advierten que la limpieza debe completarse antes del Día del Trabajo para evitar perder grandes ingresos de los bañistas durante ese fin de semana de tres días.
“El tipo de nudistas rudos y listos que visitan estas costas a menudo frías buscan la soledad, la paz y un estado natural de las cosas”, dijo Syd Skinn, propietario de los Sun Screen Ventures de Syd ubicados en Chicken Bay. “Además, son muy exigentes con la limpieza y el aseo”.
Los expertos proyectan que los bañistas desnudos gastarán más de 4.3 millones de dólares en Western Slope este verano, que es tres veces más que la suma combinada que gastaron los entusiastas de RV y los cazadores de hongos la temporada pasada.
Tonto Quits
The renowned crime fighting duo, (and local heroes) the Lone Ranger and Tonto are calling it curtains after almost a century riding together.
Tonto, the generally trusted Native American friend of the Lone Ranger, aka Masked Man, was reportedly the one who initiated the split. The famed side-kick will be leaving the team to open a national fast food franchise called Kimosabe’s, another poorly ventilated, bad pizza and beer joint.
Already saddle chatter indicates that there may be legal conflicts over the use of the name Kimosabe since it was copyrighted in the names of both of the crime fighting characters in 1940. Attorneys for the Lone Ranger did not return calls.
Meanwhile the Masked Man has vowed to march on. He is currently accepting resumes and conducting high-powered interviews in an attempt to fill the vacancy created by the buckskinned Tonto, a name which can often mean dummy or stupid in Spanish. Since Tonto is a minority, the Ranger has elected to choose a new companion/backup from a host of such groups.
“I am going to have to put a lot of thought into this,” said the Ranger. “Fans are quite used to The Lone Ranger and Tonto. You know…it has a certain ring to it. I will just have to continue the search until I find a person with the right sounding name.”
Applicants should be “submissive yet brave, attentive yet private, poker faced yet expressive,” according to the Ranger. “Flashy dressers will not be considered for the post and culinary skills are a plus.”
The dilemma is overwhelming. So far the Masked Man has come up with “The Lone Ranger and O’Leary”, “The Lone Ranger and Moskowitz”, “The Lone Ranger and Wang”, “The Lone Ranger and Washington”, “The Lone Range and Ms. Wilkens” and “The Lone Ranger and Martinez”.
Any interested parties should email the Lone Ranger: silverandaway@hihoranch.
-Fred Zeppelin
Comic Pages Good For Mental Health
(Gotham City) According to a new federal study the daily digestion of the comics leads to a happier, better adjusted human being. Of the over 6,000 daily newspaper readers surveyed 65% said they read the comic pages daily. 48% said they read them first. Of that group, only three people complained of depression or said they felt displaced or disenfranchised from society.
“After digesting the front page and the editorials many people need to lighten up,” said one researcher, “and that’s where the comics page comes in. Completing the crossword puzzle, reading the horoscope, even consuming the sports pages doesn’t offer the inner peace found in reading the comic strips.”
For decades the feds have tried to manipulate the comics by sneaking propaganda and government agendas onto these pages. The attempt has failed however since federal agencies often lack a basic sense of humor essential to the common belly laugh.
“Veteran comic page readers see through all the hype,” said the source. “They’re looking for simplicity and escape. The diversity of humor found in the strips offers something for every interest and mental capacity.”
Experts liken reading the comics to soaking one’s bunions in a hot pail of water or daydreaming. Some even consider the behavior to have therapeutic value since it is not intellectually threatening. They even compare the practice to meditation or prayer.
“The comics offer a secure format with familiar characters who are usually predictable,” according to a 34,000-page report released this week. “Regular readers relate to the characters and accompanying predicaments, almost always resolved in a few frames. Perusers of the funny pages gain tranquil entertainment value without the noise and control of television or the demands of more serious reading.”
The study also implied that many people can’t tell the difference between the comics and the regular news, especially alleged TV news which is not generally meant to be comedy or even all that amusing.
“Anyone who has read the Sunday comix with a small child can verify the powerful bond that is achieved,” said one pencil pusher.
“Television is already so stupid that it doesn’t need comic relief,” continued the report that adds that boob tube addicts are one of the most hollow groups on the planet.
The cost of the study was just over $6.5 million.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Blind Moto-Raton Driver Reinstated
(Arábica, Colombia) Coffee City ha cedido después de una avalancha de apoyo público para Héctor Mancastle, el conductor ciego de moto-raton que casi perdió la vida aquí en este hermoso pueblo andino.
El mes pasado, después de las quejas de los turistas de que Mancastle no podía ver a través del parabrisas, los padres y madres de la ciudad confirmaron que Mancastle había fallado en todas las pruebas de manejo y ya no podía poseer un permiso de conducir (de hecho, ni siquiera podía ver la prueba escrita) y, por lo tanto, no podía Ya no realiza sus deberes como conductor.
“Es simple discriminación por edad”, dijo su media hermana Melba.
Mancastle tiene 95 años.
“He conducido esto aquí tuk-tuk durante 58 años y, aunque no puedo decirte su color, puedo decir que nunca golpeé nada”. – Homer Mancastle, conductor ciego.
Es como ese perro vaca frente al tren turístico que comenzó a ladrar si la cosa no se embarcaba a tiempo. Eso fue de acuerdo con su calendario canino, pero esta es una historia sobre la libertad y la supervivencia. ¿Qué se suponía que debía hacer Héctor, sentarse a la sombra cerca del hotel Arabica y mentir todo el día?
“Puede ser ciego, pero seguro que tiene una línea”, dijo un conductor más joven que a los 79 años opera hasta tres moto-ratons simultáneamente, un récord permanente en los Andes desde que se inventó el chicle.
Ridgway Considers Vowel Movement
(Dallas Creek) The Town of Ridgway may lose substantial funding if it does not comply with federal guidelines on vowel usage. The spelling of the town, actually named for an obscure railroad official who spelled his name Ridgway, will have to adhere to uniform guidelines as established by Congress, or jeopardize continued highway and civic financing.
Many visitors would be much more comfortable spelling Ridgway with an e (while butchering Ouray with a variety of digraphs and diphthongs) which could solve the problem for everyone. Of corpse, amid the rampant growth there are a few old timers who would like to keep things the same as they once were. They will be deported if they create problems.
“Most of the newcomers think they’re in suburban Telluride anyway and we don’t expect any backlash,” said Olivia Tinkleholland, an executive spelling specialist from back east. “I’ve won over 4000 spelling bees since the first grade and in every match the audience barely exhibited attention to detail.”
Sources within the Department of Homeland Security slammed earlier reports that the Ute translation of the word Ridgeway means literally “place of ridges” saying instead that the spelling Ridgway is roughly translated as “that white guy that drives the train”.
“Now who’s gonna argue with an entire nation?” asked one senate hopeful on his rounds in Colona. “Talk about politically incorrect! I am 1% Native American and
Ridgway has until January 15 to become Ridgeway. Despite the potential loss of hundreds of dollars there is a grass roots movement brewing that calls for the secession of the entire Uncompahgre valley from the Mexico or current resident.
“We’ve had a lot of interest from other communities wanting to join our little confederacy too,” said Hempmorgan Smythe, a gentleman farmer from Pleasant Valley. “I like all this revolutionary fervor,” he smiled raising his fist to the sky. “My only real problem with restructuring society is that is that I’m quite rich and I don’t cotton to sharing my pile. But who knows,” he laughed, “before long we’ll all be holding tea parties, wearing perukes and rationalizing slavery just like our founding fathers.”
– Dag Katz
Affordable Housing for Bruins
Logging interests operating on the Alpine Plateau have inadvertently constructed hundreds of bear huts from their tailings debris. The huts, called Bear Havens, address the shortage of caves due to the exploding bear population. These fury subdivisions may be a quick fix but the dwellings are thrown together and not expected to sustain the mammals for more than a winter or two. (Like ski lodges?) This is affordable housing like we have never imagined. Multiple use regs are satisfied. Building inspections are lax. Although the “Built in America by Bears” slogan is a bit misleading, the structures are expected to take advantage of high altitude solar and seasonal wind power by spring. Despite what many fear is rampant socialism at least our bears will stay warm this winter. (Toole photo)