All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"
Se teme el reventón de Nochebuena
(Colona) Elementos rebeldes de la pandilla de trineos de los Ángeles de los Elfos se han comprometido a seguir adelante con una cita decadente programada para la víspera de Navidad, según se informó esta mañana. Los elfos, que normalmente se dedican a las tareas de ayudar a Papá Noel en esta época del año, aparentemente están descartando responsabilidades legendarias a favor de la fiesta.
“Sabemos cómo se ponen estos pequeños duendes cuando beben”, expresó un residente de Log Hill que está preparado para los problemas. “El año pasado detuvieron el tráfico y encendieron hogueras por toda la ciudad. ¿Qué pasó con los encantadores duendes que solían asar castañas sobre un fuego abierto y todo eso?”
El año pasado, los automovilistas fueron constantemente acosados a lo largo de la autopista 550 mientras los malvados brownies buscaban fondos para su exhibición pecaminosa. Varios conductores fueron obligados a salir de sus coches y a la fría noche de diciembre por los elfos malolientes.
Se espera que las bandas de trineos del Polo Norte y Canadá desciendan al pacífico burgo alrededor del 22 de diciembre con la juerga que grita en el nuevo año. Se esperan saqueos.
“La víspera de Año Nuevo sería un buen momento para mantenerse alejado del centro de la ciudad”, dijo el local que empuñaba el rifle. “Ahí es cuando planeamos combinar músculo por músculo. Ya hemos tenido suficiente de su mierda”.
Bass boats arrive at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat fleet arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November, is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
Fred, Red and Ted Herring contributed to this report
Late scores: Arctic League – Polar Bears 6 – Elves 0
Deadline for hibernation permits draws near
(Bland Valley) Colorado Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official State Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough and cave assignment/placement is often immediate. Applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.
“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Kay Slumber, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”
In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January 20.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Slumber, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired and hungry but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”
-Geraldine Cod
LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED
(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 14.
The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them. A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, are only props and will be saved for emergencies.
If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped first-class stamps for Valentines Day and 70-cent stamps for April Fools.
-Small Mouth Bess
Georgia Special Election Runoff To Define Senate Parameters
Current senators Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue are some real peaches past their time.
Loeffler the Carpetbagger was appointed not elected, and is not even from Georgia. She faces Rev. Raphael Warnock, who grew up in the projects of Atlanta.
Sonny Perdue, the former governor, now insider trader with egg on his face, is just another rich Republican whose family ties bought him a job. Sonny refused to debate Jon Ossoff, his Democratic opponent who destroyed him in previous contests.
We don’t suggest that Loeffler and Perdue are rotten. We just feel that they would better serve society if they would simply stay home and count their money and leave government to someone with some integrity.
Looking and listening to these two Republican throwbacks alone should convince anyone with an IQ over 200 to quit the GOP for good.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, Fallen Away Republican First Class
Our American Political Spelling Bee
Live and in color from Bethesda MD – we pick up the action…
Part One – Spelling Accuracy
Monitor: Can you spell socialism?
Mr. Opinion : Soshalizm.
Moderator: No. Wrong. Next.
Ms. Justsmile: Sewshullism.
Moderator: No.
Wildman White: Soshhhulism
Moderator: No. Incorrect.
Mr. Putin: социализм.
Moderator: Correct but in the wrong language. Disqualified.
Part Two: Define the term
Mr. Opinion: I don’t really know but it’s real bad.
Ms. Justsmile: A system where we are forced to share with the poor, eat borscht and live in gulags.
Wildman White: It’s something about Russian fur hats and machine guns in your bedroom in the middle of the night.
Mr. Putin: A paradise who workers share in the profits and embrace quality of life 365 days a year and I didn’t poison my political opponents.
Moderator: Bozos: Socialism is a political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.
Part III Presidential Pardons on the White House Lawn
Which of the following is your favorite crime that can be attributed to fake President Donald J Trump?
a. Obstruction of Justice
b.) Lying to Federal and State government bodies
c.) Sabotaging Transition Process
d.) Cheating on Taxes
e.) Collusion with Russia – treason
