Snoring Elk Relocated

(Galt’s Gulch — Bull Moose Gazette)

Several hundred elk have been removed from the southern fringe of North Carne Canyon in Edith Bunker National Forest today. The animals will have a new home in Gladstone.

Since last summer campers have complained that the elk’s chronic snoring has kept them up at night. Many have already broken camp and moved to more civilized spots up Jackass Flats and along Valentine’s Ridge at the Old Maid Mine.

“Money talks. Nobody snores,” said one federal biologist who has yet to be fired by the current administration.

“We sent special agents up into the contested region and they could not sleep either,” said Max Poltroon, of the DOW task force. This here’s a Code Three. Some of these elk need to have their tonsils removed but just try to get a plumber on Sunday, heh?” 

Poltroon said it was a shame that the entire herd had to be inconvenienced by a few bad apples. Elk are special here. They are protected. Other bothersome species often face deportation if it is determined that they are incompetent or in need of constant supervision.

“Running an outfit like the DOW is no walk the park,” he nodded.

– Simian Tilte