(Crested Butte) A massive snow storm is slated for April, just days after the spring closing of the Crested Butte ski resort according to meteorologists camped near here. Projections call for a total dump of about 50 to 60 inches.

The conditions should be incredible,” said a CBMR spokesman. “The only problem is that the lifts will be shut down.”

Already several Mount Crested Butte bars have announced plans to stay open until it melts. Residents are encouraged to support these new measures.

“It’s the best snow we’ve had all year and we figure on cleaning up on the apres ski crowd even if very little skiing is going on,” said a local libations purveyor. “All that new moisture really generates a hearty thirst and off-season could be a long one.”

Plans to collect the snow and store it for next year have been scrapped due to one Forest Service restriction or the other.

Kebler Yeti Passes On

(Crested Butte) The Horseshoe is sad to report the passing of the Kebler Yeti, a half-man, half-monster, who has roamed the outreaches of this town since about 1956. Although his exact age is not known, it is surmised that the beast was about forty at the time of his demise. The cause of death remains unknown at press time as the Yeti, who refused to give interviews, had no local medical history.

“He had a nice tan and didn’t even look sick a week ago,” said Byron Yezmann, a local biologist who often brought the Sasquatch cookies and fruit each week via snowmobile. “Let’s face it, nobody looks great after spending the winter wandering around naked in the Elks.”

Yezmann insists that the Yeti visited the town of Crested Butte most weekends but had been barred from most of the saloons since he tended to scare the daylights out of tourists. He rarely tipped.

“I’m not talking any names here but there are a lot of people who have drank with him since the snow began to fall last November,” the biologist winced. “I just hope they’ll show up at the funeral. It would be the decent thing to do.”

No replacement has been named as of Friday

BOZAR MERGES with KBUT, WSC & CBMR to become BOZARKBUTWSCCBMR

(Jack’s Cabin) The Board of Zoning and Architecture has announced a surprise merge with a public radio station, a university and a ski resort. All of the principals are located in Gunnison County.

Joining forces will allow all those affected to pool resources and continue to function and flourish during the next few years according to high level sources here. Although the merge will in no way change basic services provided by the involved groups there will be a period of transition.

“No irretrievable differences exist at the present there is always hope for the future,” coughed Margot Marmotbreath, a Denver attorney who set up the package. “If these people can all get along there is still hope for peace in the Mideast after all.”

The first board meeting involving all of the said factions is scheduled for February of 2016 unless it rains.

– Fillie Buster