FRONT RANGE CITIES DISCOVER SIMO-FLUSH

(Denver UPS) In an attempt to conserve water, several Front Range cities have begun conducting tests with a new nuclear-driven technology called Sumo-Flush it was disclosed today. The up-till-now secret experiments involve a synchronized flushing of toilets in strategic neighborhoods where residents have volunteered to participate. It is hoped that the simultaneous flushing will cut water usage up to 50 percent since the present plumbing fixtures can only handle so much water at a time. The system is expected to be taxed to capacity.

     A schedule for your once-a-day neighborhood flush will be published in the Rocky Mountain Snooze on Sunday. Dubbed Operation Desert Flush by someone over at Fitzsimmons Hospital, the program has had a great deal of success so far, with mounds of paperwork being produced and relatively few structures being damaged. Retired locomotive engineers playing miniature golf on South Colorado Boulevard say that 1-25 appears to have sank about 40 feet, but that it may not be related to the massive flush. When asked what possible affect this sinking may have on the future of the experiments, they said they “didn’t really care.” Road crews will look into it Monday or Tuesday and motorists are asked to find alternate routes to work in the morning.

     For you history buffs, the largest coordinated flush ever on the Front Range occurred at Mile High Stadium in Denver on January 5, 1978, during halftime of a play-off match between the then Oakland Raiders and the Denver Broncos. Some 224,980 board feet of water was involved.

-H.L.Menoken