Easter Bunny Detained in Purse Snatching

UPDATE: For anyone not surprised and still marginally interested… Readers will undoubtedly recall that on April 20, Kristi Noem, Secretary of US Homeland Security, former South Dakota governor and MAGA stalwart

was the victim of a purse snatching, losing her clearance badge, her passport and $3000 in cash.

Over the past few weeks a scouring for the purse snatcher had intensified – yet remained unsolved despite FBI surveillance and Homeland Security agents breaking in to warrens in search of the suspected perpetrator.

That all changed this morning with the capture and detainment of the Easter Bunny

All rabbits residing in the United States at the time of the heist were to be arrested and deported but Trump Administration rescinded on the much maligned the move. Noem had initially insisted that a member of a minority group had stolen her purse and that the thief was “undoubtedly an illegal alien who hates America”.

“It is clear that the Easter Bunny took my purse,” groused Kristi Noem, quickly changing her story so as to consolidate her views with those of leading Republicans anxious to put the embarrassing episode to rest.

The Easter Bunny was not in possession of any cash when apprehended, leading some law enforcement personnel to question the validity of a quickly buttoned up case. Although none of the $3000 cash that Noem was carrying was found on the accused crook the government is moving ahead on the arraignment.

The rabbit carries a Green Card issued by the United States and enjoys the status of a legal resident of over 200 countries world wide. He has never had a felony unless hiding brightly colored eggs is now a crime. If indicted, the tall, fuzzy, pink-eared rodent could face deportation.

“That Noem woman should keep a better eye on her high clearance documentation or lose it.” said an Congressional insider who was outside at the time of the heist.

– Melvin Toole

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