Diplomat Forced to Cook Turkey

(Hodeida UPS) Recently kidnapped and then released U.S. diplomat, Haynes Mahoney, was allegedly abducted solely to cook a traditional Thanksgiving dinner for Yemeni tribesman according to a State Department release. Although certain items were scarce in the remote desert region, Mahoney, drawing heavily on culinary training absorbed in Soggy Bottom, managed to provide his hungry captors with turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and a delightful marshmallow-yam concoction.

     After dinner they drove him back to his hotel, set him free and hurried back to an undisclosed oasis to enjoy several pumpkin pies baked by Mahoney in a dutch oven that morning.

     “What we’re dealing with here is a band of Islamic fundamentalists who would never consider going out for dinner on such a day,” said government spokesman, Perewinkle R. Parvenu. “We’re just relieved that our associate is safe.”

     It was not clear at press time whether the United States would reciprocate by bombing Yemen or inviting the tribesmen over for Christmas dinner.

-Merv Ditchwater