CONGRESS TO CEASE LAUNDERING OPERATIONS

(Washington) Both the House and Senate have approved a bill calling for the termination of dry cleaning services on Capitol Hill. They say their move will save the taxpayers millions and may even balance the budget.

In short, the legislative bodies will end the practice of sending their shirts out for cleaning and, in some cases launder and press the articles while they are out campaigning.

“It’s all part of our New World Odor concept,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We have to stop thinking about personal hygiene in the three or four shirts per day mode and move on to a three or four days per shirt philosophy.”

Noise went on to say that while it is important for elected officials to look crisp (not necessarily sharp) the good of the nation takes precedence.

“We feel strongly that any Congressman worth his salt can get an extra day or two out of a lightly starched shirt before throwing it in the laundry,” added Noise. “It is important that we set a good example for the citizenry and save a few bucks on the side.”

Current projections imply that if one simply multiplies the number of Congressmen by $2.29 (the current cost of laundering a dress shirt on Maasachusettes Avenue) and then multiplies that figure by the number of cleaning items and then by 365 (the number of days in the year) the overall savings will exceed all former projections.

“We could take this money and have a big party for the taxpayer or send a manned space flight to the moon but I think we’ll go ahead and pay a few overdue bills,” said Noise. “How can we expect the fiscal cooperation of the nation if we don’t watch our pennies?”

When this plan is operational several sources in the Congress say that they will introduce new legislation aimed at prohibiting motorized travel by Congressmen and severely limiting the practice of talking out of two sides of the mouth within the governing body.      

– H.L. Menoken