All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Who called for all the rain? Maybe these guys? Sun flowers stand at attention on a summer day near Olathe.
Brain food cafe shuts doors
(Montrose) The Upper Story Bistro, a longtime fixture here, closed down today. Citing competition from fast food restaurants and rising costs in doing business, the owners described their 15-year history as “a good run” and wished former customers the best.
Specializing in foods that encourage healthy brain cell growth the cafe may reopen in another community here or go to the Pacific Northwest where, due to a higher population might dictate a higher demand for this kind of cuisine.
“We hope our clientele will continue to embrace good health habits in their kitchens at home,” said one former owner.
One competitor, who opened a burger franchise right next store in 2015 said she was tired of all the whining.
“Nobody cares about macrobiotic dining and improving their mind when they can catch a delicious burger and fries on the run and wash it down with a giant soda pop,” she said. “These people need to get a clue about life in the modern world.”
“Having choices is important but not when they conflict with city sales tax numbers,” said one city councilperson. “Once our master plan is fully integrated and we have every known chain represented there will be no choices, except in that unhealthy, methodical realm. We don’t hear a lot of complaints from the mainstream and all those health nuts out there on the fringe don’t amount to a hill of beans. Maybe they should all move back to Boulder.”
– Alfalfa Romero
Supreme Quart bans Democrats and Republicans
(Washington) The United States Supreme Quart voted unanimously today to ban Republicans and Democrats from these North American shores.
Despite the decision that disallows the use of the longtime labels in public life, the former party affiliates will have until October to remove their elephants, donkeys, banners, straw hats, slogans, bumper stickers, lapel buttons, fund-raising machines, campaign offices and inspired supporters from the country or face imprisonment.
Otherwise the verdict is effective immediately.
Saying the political parties are an obstruction to democracy and true voter choice, the lawmakers concluded that both of the pork barrel entities were extremely wasteful, expensive and arrogant. They further warned that graft and corruption were rampant at all levels of politicizing within both hierarchies.
“These scalawags are quick to quote the Constitution, perform puppeteer feats and find the little pea clam shows (colorful diversions) for their constituencies while lining their own pockets,” said the highest court in the land. “They are destructive to our hard-won freedoms and what is left of our plutocrat republic. Most never even read the proposed bills that lopsidedly land on their desks. We fear that many have not read the Bill of Rights either.”
Three of the justices went on to say that forbidding these special interests from conducting business on American soil may curtail the downward spiral in the quality of life enjoyed here.
The exclusion of the country’s two most influential political entities is sure to leave a void that the dark robes hope to fill with broken promises, scandals and hand waving common to the disgraced politicians.
It was not clear how the action would affect lucrative Congressional health and retirement status, or lobbying opportunities for retired legislative loungers.
“We expect to see more political parties on the ballot in 2018 and a healthy number of potential registrants by 2020,” said one justice. “Although this suspends the current methods of bureaucratic vote counting over a hot fire it should steer the electorate away from mindless lever pulling in the booth.
Democrats and Republicans expressed bipartisan shock at such swift action saying they do not enjoy such expediency in Congressional chambers. They say they won’t take the affront sitting down.
“We’ll bet on the greed and apathy of our countrymen to put us back in the driver’s seat pretty damn quick,” said one party standout. “We’ll just change our names to Whigs or Know-Nothings and be back in our limos before you can say Henry Clay.”
– Rufus Maxwell
GOP Takes Mulligan on Health Care Bill
Despite arm twisting by leaders in the Republican controlled House and Senate and threats made by the Tweeter President, the Congress is expected to take a mulligan on health care reform in 2017.
Whether it is a “must” or “provisional” mulligan the result is still much the same since the action is a result of a bad shot off the tee in the first place.
Falling short of admitting defeat Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that taking a mulligan is a simple safety net that allows participants to “redefine the their stance and level out the playing field.
“We will not redefine the rules or fudge on our scorecards,” said the Speaker, “but rather expand the fairway and sink a long putt or two for the betterment of all Americans.”
Critics of the action say the entire repeal effort is masked in the burning desire to give the rich a tax break while cutting existing medical benefits for the people who need them the most. Some within the lawmaking body have gone so far as to call the proposed legislation “evil and fraudulent”.
The last time the governing body took a mulligan was back in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency. Ike, a voracious linkster had finished 18 scorching holes scoring a scandalous 12 below par. Lawmakers had then settled on a mulligan out of respect for the Commander in Chief.
– Ragamuffin Man
Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House
(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.
The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.
“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated boxholder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”
Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.
“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe.
“They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”
Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.
Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.
“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”
It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities such as mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing the same behavior patterns.
– Small Mouth Bess
UFO REPORT
by Zelbrat Acknor, Astral World Three
Welcome children of the universe and our new readers in the Twor and Hakka Bennie Galaxies. As you all are aware we have been observing the residents of the planet Earth since the first Sputnik entered what they refer to as outer space. To update you on the situation here, we must first describe the daily rituals of humans living in a country called the United States. This culture has succeeded in not only destroying most of the atmosphere, but it has also exported its moral justification to other parts of the planet.
The result of all this is the choking off of the air supply and the termination of millions of indigenous species.
In short, the planet earth has achieved the status of damaged goods in comparison to the more progressive planets and stars. All this destruction has occurred within a very short time span, even in earthling terms.
These things have come to pass so as to acquire what these creatures call worldly goods. The amazing thing is that, although the planet is shared by all beings, only a small percentage of these people control most of the wealth. An innate ability deep in the heart of this phenomenon called rationalization allows these beings to perform in this way. Ironically, it is this same ability to rationalize that is said to separate these humans from the other primates and lower forms of plant and animal life there. According to human mythology, that difference designates the human as clearly superior and accounts for the miserable treatment handed down.
The average human here begins his day with an assortment of legal drugs, rushes off to a job, and, according to some remote norm, spends the greater part of his/her day at that often tedious pursuit. After that time, or, as the humans say, when the whistle blows, they are set free to endure hours of electronic entertainment via an evil invention affectionately called television.
Another recent human invention, the Hubble Telescope, has been busy taking pictures, like one massive intergalactic Japanese tourist. Luckily, due to some twisted sense of vanity, most of the snapshots are of the earth itself and scientists there still don’t know we’re out here.
One saving grace is that the temporary occupants of this planet have shown themselves to be rather charming on a one-to-one basis and I have to admit that I find them generally warm and amusing if not loving and creative.
Although there has been talk of condemning this planet to the stellar wrecking ball, observers, including the 4 million space travelers now residing there, suggest that we take a wait-and-see approach to this mindless planetary doodling. Later, when another century or two has passed, we can decide on the final fate of this former Eden.
It is our fervent hope that we can open up lines of communication with the rat and the cockroach, two harmless groups who have exhibited the ability to withstand brutal human assaults since the last hurrah of the dinosaur. These two species have not been guilty of this stumble-bum ecological suicide and should be treated with respect by those who would intervene at a later stage. These scurrying survivalists, it is supposed, might even withstand a nuclear annihilation the type that has not been seen since the Cosmos Forty War, which, like a good bump on the head, seemed to corral stubborn mavericks throughout the Universe.
That’s about that for this month. We’ll be back again unless the earthlings accelerate their activities and cease to be, thus solving another riddle in our scattered megacosm and giving me a well-deserved day off.
