All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Rare Asian Termite Eating Wal-Mart
(Montrose) One of this city’s cultural delights, the Super Wal-Mart, is at risk. The culprit is a rare Chinese termite that was most likely delivered in a shipment of Chinese goods pegged for sale at the discount spot.
Despite eternal claims to the contrary, the merchandising giant that anchors the bright lights of South Townsend Avenue, sells more foreign made products than American goods. The termites reportedly eat them all without prejudice…plus the bricks, the light fixtures, the ceiling and maybe the shoppers too.
County building inspectors are hesitant to declare the store a disaster area fearing loss of tax revenue and repercussions from Wal-Mart attorneys. Insiders say the place could collapse any time citing problems with the foundation and a growing number of caverns in the cirque huge parking lot which graces the front of the complex.
Local fumigators who have isolated the termite’s position promise to have the area sealed off by tomorrow or so. A comprehensive spraying campaign is expected to rid the town of the pest but it’s probably too late for Wal-Mart. Early warnings by insect control sources were ignored by middle management and several employees who blew the whistle on the termites were suspended without pay. Some face execution.
“We just hope the spray is effective in killing these destructive intruders,” said one technician. “If not we’ll have to use nuclear weapons. We have them over in Branson.”
Termites digest wood, paper and other products containing cellulose, with the aid of protozoa in their bodies. It is not known if a high incidence of cellulite in the consumer population attracted the pests or if the insects were just plain hungry after the 30-hour flight from Asia.
– Margot Rotweiller
Field hippies needed to monitor subsidized farms according to the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1938.
Martian Web Site Detected
(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the renown Viking they did it from a home computer.
Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.
“What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”
The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet that has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything. When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.
“It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.
Meanwhile sources within the Caligula* Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “we believe the world to be flat.”
Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.
“We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”
Government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if it’s a hoax have taken the two boys into protective custody. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space. If you plan to travel to Mars please refer to www.statedepartment.us/travel in foreign countries for an update on safety and political climate.
*As called in the New York Times
CLUB DE FORMAS DE ENTUSIASISTAS
(Gunnison) Los entusiastas de los autobuses locales han organizado el primer club de autobuses de la nación aquí, según un comunicado de prensa recibido esta mañana. El club, fundado para la promoción y preservación de la cultura relacionada con los autobuses, intentará educar al público mientras combate las dudas comunes sobre este tipo de viajes.
Además, el club se encargará de registrar la jerga de los autobuses y la crónica de la historia de los autobuses en la región de Western Slope. Presentaciones de diapositivas sobre la tecnología más reciente y sugerencias para hacer giros a la izquierda se presentarán cada viernes por la noche en las ruinas históricas del Hotel LaVeta en South Boulevard Street.
“Haremos excursiones a los campos locales y nos encontraremos con el autobús cuando llegue en su caminata diaria desde Pueblo y puntos más allá”, dijo Ralph Cramdenot de Almont. “¿Por qué el otro día tuvimos un autobús justo aquí en Gunnison que vino desde Kansas City. Pequeño mundo, ¿eh?”
Los miembros sienten que el público obtendrá nuevas perspectivas en el viaje en autobús a través de los esfuerzos descritos aquí.
“Con el Congreso arrastrándose en la aprobación de los proyectos de ley de la gasolina, pronto todos podríamos viajar en el autobús”, sonrió Cramdenot, “Estamos aquí para educar. No hay nada peor que un novato sosteniendo la línea buscando un cambio o haciendo preguntas estúpidas al conductor “.
– Paula Parvenue
Montrose Man Talks to Potatoes
(Spring Creek UPS) Melvin R. Toole hasn’t been the same since the Spanish American War. Having been wounded and separated by his regiment at San Juan Hill, he claims to have survived three months in the jungle on a crop of rogue Irish potatoes.
“I don’t know who planted the spuds but I’d sure like to thank them,” said Toole, who withstood the ordeal as a young man of 17. “He has visited Ireland and Peru (where potatoes were first established as a crop) in search of answers.
“People just stare at me,” he whined.
Today the veteran is satisfied carrying on extended conversations with local spuds.
“I can’t really call them dialogues,” said Toole. “but one never knows what’s around the next corner. I just want to find someone to thank and all eyes are on me.”
– Princess Irm Peawit
“News of a runaway sent them (The Patrol) into cheerful activity. They raided the plantations after their quarry, interrogating a host of quivering darkies. Freemen knew what was coming and hid their valuables and moaned when white men smashed their furniture and glass.”
– from The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead”
REGIONAL SNORTS
Mosquito Negotiations Break Down
(Ridgway) Negotiations between local residents and mosquitoes have been terminated due unresolved issues here. Both sides accuse the other of underhanded manipulation and distorting facts and statistics. In one of the later meetings human representatives even went so far as to swat mosquitoes just outside the conference room itself.
Calling the mosquito contingent “nothing more than bloodsuckers” one of the more vocal humans suggested “eradicating the species once and for all.
“That’s rather brutal, isn’t it,” buzzed a mosquito spokesman. “Think of all the good things we do for them. If they don’t want to share the planet they should cowboy up or just stay indoors for the summer.”
Experts say that unattended pools of stagnant water are the breeding grounds for trouble. Talks, held every summer have failed to alleviate the problem on shared existence. This is difficult when the basic priorities of each group create conflict for the other.
“There are lots of people and lots of mosquitos out there,” said a sprayed-down human from the shade. “Some will win and some will lose.”
Emperor’s New Clothes Missing From Free Box
(Telluride) As of early this morning the emperor’s new clothes are still missing here. Efforts to identify the clothing have been hampered by the weekly post-festival status of the much renowned charity closet.
“We think the clothing in question was mixed in with the clothing that had already taken up residence there, said Buffy Hollandaise of the local inquisitor’s bureau. “We are up against a very perplexing dilemma in that emperor’s clothes are difficult to see.”
Hollandaise did not comment on conjecture that there are other invisible clothes in the Free Box. When last seen she was busy e-mailing herself regarding an afternoon meeting.
Meanwhile the emperor, bare as an imperial prune, remains in semi-hiding at an undisclosthe Pandora shed and breakfast. Faced with the choice between certain arrest for public nudity and growing fines for delinquent parking fines, he has limited his fiscal sojourns to evening and early morning. In some cases friends have dropped coins into the meters in support of his majesty and his predicament.
– Zorro DePlants
MASSIVE RUBBER DEPOSITS DISCOVERED UNDER SNODGRASS MOUNTAIN
(Crested Butte) An incredible rubber vein, possibly the continent’s largest, was unearthed at the base of Snodgrass Mountain yesterday. Surveyors mapping the area as part of a ski area expansion were shocked to find large specimens of the sticky rare ore just lying around on the ground.
“Upon further investigation we located massive caverns whose walls were made of almost pure rubber ore,” said Melvin Leopold, world renown mucker and long time veterinarian for the Flying Farcheezie Family. “After roaming through these tunnels and caves nobody wanted to survey anymore. The boys were having far too much fun bouncing off the walls and snatching souvenirs.”
The announcement has sent shock waves through the mining industry as Pay-Max; a giant mining concern that owns many local claims quickly sent top executives to Crested Butte to have a look. Already they are insisting that they retain all rights to Snodgrass Mountain and Gothic Mountain to the northwest. One Pay-Max spokesman told The Horseshoe that if the strike is all it appears to be, the community could see an assortment of mines and mills up and going by fall.
“Here we’ve been hanging out watching molybdenum prices go through the ceiling and now we stumble over the largest rubber reserves on the planet. It just goes to show you that the rich were born that way for a reason!”
Meanwhile, over at Vail-I70 primitive plans to harvest the rubber hit a dead end as it looks like one of the team forgot to secure the mineral rights to the Snodgrass-Gothic corridor from the United States Forest Service.
“We have one vice-president whose only responsibility is to take care of these kinds of things,” said one ski area exec. “What the hell has she been doing all these years? Skiing?”
We attempted to reach the USFS for a comment late this morning, but everyone had not arrived for work yet or had already gone home for the day.
The ski area plans to fight the mining interest, saying that the extraction of rubber from far below the earth would not be compatible with smooth ski slopes or safe foundations on condos planned for the area.
– Uncle Pahgre
We will be reading excerpts of the recently hobbled Mueller Report every evening through July at Colona Railway Bistro. Log Hill Fawn and Flume. See you there!
