All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Bingo Treatment Center Opens Today
(Montrose) The region’s first bingo treatment center has scheduled an open house for this afternoon. Located in the recently abandoned Wal-Mart building on South Townsend Avenue, the diversionary sports/recovery complex has been praised as both a recycling marvel and a boon to urban renewal efforts.
Encouraging both potential patients and interested parties to attend, the medical staff will present a wide selection of prescribed treatment programs both out-patient and full care. Civic leaders, expected to be in attendance, hope the opening will encourage further growth in compliance with the intricate masterplan for the Grandjunctification of the Uncompahgre Valley.
The facility, officially named St. Roscoe’s Bingo Rehabilitation Hub, after the patron saint of bingo and RVs, has been bankrolled with cash confiscated from illegal lottery operations/surplus DUI funds, and thanks to a grant from the Native American Consortium of Gambling Casinos and Golf Courses in Colorado and New Mexico. In addition, addicts on scholarship will sell bingo cards door-to-door here in order to raise additional operating capital for field trips and the like.
Its 40-bed recovery area features a veteran staff made up of medical personnel, sociologists and recovering bingo addicts. Shock treatment will take place solely at night and always under the strict supervision of authorized bingo callers, while a full time alchemist is slated to be on duty 24 hours per day. Physical therapy, hypnotism and magic crystals are to be prescribed only in the most chronic cases.
The treatment center, in compliance with city ordinances, is non-smoking but a system of sealed off lounges offering bad coffee, grocery check-out periodicals, card tables and ash trays will grace both the B-29 and R-16 floors, where smoking is permitted.
“We want to thank the entire community for supporting this progressive approach to ending bingo perversion,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, head cardiologist at the clinic. After all, bingo abuse should not be classified as a mental illness. Think of all the money we could save if we stopped punishing addicts as criminals.”
Lackluster says the goal of the center is to provide the community with healthy bingo players upon release.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Warning to all local bear
Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. We are tired of cleaning up after you. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we fell are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!
– Deer Creek Golf Course Management, Cedaredge, Colorado
Uncompahgre To Run South in November
(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the Department of the Inferior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river, have petitioned for the project since 2007.
The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until at least early November.
“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this place existed. It’s really nice here but where do people go shopping?”
The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.
“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful river water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors TV commercials.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Unearthed parchment could be God’s Joke Book
(King Hezekiah RV Park, Israel) Archeologists and theological historians here think they’ve stumbled onto a double-edged fortune, at least in a Biblical sense. Digging near Tel Be’er Sheva, a team of seven prominent anthropologists has unearthed a stunning prize that they say is the legendary Joke Book of Jehovah or God’s Joke Book.
Many diverse groups who may be a bit premature depending on the book’s actual content have called the discovery a sign and a blessing.
Dr Oxford Cambridge
“We all read the Old Testament and can attest to some rather lewd and seedy episodes that we all of course remember the most vividly, if not fondly,” said Dr. Oxford Cambridge, who has amassed millions hosting a Wednesday evening off-color bible study/bingo revival for a robotic workforce chained to their benches and in need of a good joke.
“If anyone knows jokes it’s me,” said Cambridge. “I have over 7000 in my repertoire, more if you count the one-liners. I have 200 plaid suits, 35 exploding umbrellas and more than 300 squirting lapel boutineers in my dressing room at all times!” he swallowed hard.
“I tell you, this mummified book is the Real McCoy! It covers the Four Basic Joke Groups as professed by Michael the Archangel at Hialeah Park:
Three guys walk into this oasis; Woman gets on a chariot; So my hairdresser says; Mother-in-Law lives above the garage. It’s as clear as the nose on your face!”
Artifacts like this are often hidden away for eons making positive identification that much more difficult for accredited scientists.
God’s Joke Book?
“The passages establish a pattern* of supreme abandonment and disturbing willingness to create and move on,” say those on the ground here. “And at the same time the hand-written laugh log displays a chilling, sophisticated, almost eternal sense of humor. It should be duly noted that the author is particularly rough on Pharisees, Zealots and the religiously intolerant.”
Although at the top of his much publicized Mistake List humans do not warrant much respect as far as the pecking order of godly. They appear to be the often-subtle butt of all cosmic criticism and demand less and less restraint. An occasional earthquake or hurricane keeps them guessing. “They couldn’t boil water had I not sent them fire.” an out-of-context punch line identified as same from God’s Joke Book?
*Strong references to with Vaudeville, Burlesque and Slapstick lends credence to claims that God could be at least part Jewish, which does not break with any of the scant existing dogma on the subject.
**How can God tell so many jokes about mother in laws when he has never had one?
***Not exactly the constant gardener, not the doting father figure or even a standout babysitter, God may have turned off his listening device before most of us are out of bed in the morning.
