All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
OF IMMEDIATE YULETIDE CONCERN
Santa Caught in Two Places at Once
(Ouray) Santa Claus was seen schmoozing at the Who’s On First Savings and the Citizens Federal on Friday. We could have lived with that if the actions had not occurred simultaneously and had not been observed by the a contingent of preschoolers. According to unreliable sources, the benevolent elf was spotted hosting Christmas parties at the two banks at approximately 2 pm on the aforementioned date.
How could this be?
Shocked parents agreed that if he were going to engage in such questionable behavior he should at least take it out of town. The development adds fuel to the growing fire regarding the actual existence of this Santa Claus person. For years a large number of people claim he isn’t real at all but simply a Christmas cookie of someone’s well oiled imagination.
ELF SAFETY COURSE CANCELED
(Montrose) The annual Elf Safety Course for December has been canceled due to lack of interest on the part of elves. Most of the wee toy makers are far too busy to attend meetings due to a particularly stringent schedule throughout the holidays. Elves, for centuries a symbol of recklessness and rash behavior, have been instructed to attend at least one Saturday safety class, or be deported.
The interim government of the North Pole, with the backing of NATO and the United States, has decreed that all elves pass the course before licenses will be awarded. Elves that disregard this order may face firing squad or be sent to the South Pole for reeducation.
Christmas without caviar?
(Teheran) Pollution and overfishing could wipe out the last of the legendary Russian caviar by 2025 according to sources here in Iran. This Persian nation, second only to Russia in world production of caviar, says its once plentiful sturgeon population has diminished greatly over the past two decades. Caviar is harvested from these same sturgeon mostly in the Caspian Sea, which is now the scene of oil drilling and corporate prospecting. Experts say that with continued abuse the sea will be dead in five years.
It is hoped that wealthy gourmets, who cherish the salty fish eggs as both a delicacy and a status symbol, will step up and put pressure on the oil companies to clean up their act before we are all reduced to wolfing down goose liver pate with our champagne.
Santa Embraces Weight Loss Program
(Crested Butte) Thanks to several Third World diets, Santa expects to lose up to 80 pounds by this time next year. Top aides say their boss, also known as Kris Kringle, Father Christmas and The Red Blob, had often noted that many people in Asia and Africa had little trouble keeping the weight off. After compiling a journal on the subject over the last 100 years he concluded that these folks stay skinny not because of a diet low in saturated fat, but because they have nothing to eat.
“It was getting so I couldn’t tie my socks,” said the elf of his obesity.
“Even the reindeer didn’t want to be seen with me, except after dark.”
In a recently published biography sharing the secrets of his long life, Santa points to low stress, cool weather and no smog as factors affecting the his astounding longevity.
Mistletoe Thriving Despite OSHA Ban
(Ouray) Months after OSHA banned mistletoe use, due to safety concerns the black market is thriving. Sales here in this county alone are triple those of last season. “It just goes to show that you can’t legislate morality,” said one man who asked for anonymity.
“People who didn’t give the curious shrub a second thought before now go out of their way to get it.”
Authorities engaged in the enforcement of the Mistletoe Edicts fear that the situation will become more chronic with bans by the FCC and the USFDA. The AMA has threatened to follow suit as well since things are generally slow around the holidays anyway.
Several species of mistletoe, a parasite, grow in Eurasia and Eastern North America. The sprigs are often used as amorous Christmas decorations.
Rejected Explanations for Jamal Khashoggi’s Murder
(Istanbul UPS) Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has repeatedly denied knowledge of and involvement with the recent death of a Washington Post reporter Jamal Khashoggi. The journalist went missing after entering the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul on October 2. It is believed that he was assassinated by a 15-man Saudi Security team sent to Turkey for that draconian purpose. Here at home President Trump has denied evidence much like he denies that climate change brought on by humans.
“The Prince Salman would never lie about something like this,” said Sheik Sushi Tuna, former director of security in Riyadh. “He has already rejected some of the more likely scenarios relating to the alleged murder of Mr. Khashoggi. We suggested he might have fallen down the consulate stairs or maybe slipped in the shower,” Tuna continued. My colleagues and I then suggested that he was hit by falling debris in that the old consulate is always under some kind of construction. My chauffeur, who has a medical background, thinks the victim experienced a heart attack while resisting authorities.”
Abdul “Mickey” Trout, a Saudi fishmonger and animal behaviorist in Yemen, echoed the concerns and frustrations of the Kingdom saying that a rabid camel probably mauled Khashoggi.
“Many camels still harbor resentment over the results of the competition and the accompanying Botox scandal,” smiled Trout. “Some have embraced violence.”
King Abdulaziz, producer of this year’s Camel Festival in Rumah had no comment on these developments.
“The signs are there: the struggle, the breakage, the camel hair,” Trout continued. “If not a rogue Dromedary then it must have been a fast traveling flu that he picked up in Turkey. This whole mess could not have had anything to do with the Crowned Prince who was over in Jersey playing the casinos at the time of the incident.”
Other Saudi diplomats were quick to suggest that Khashoggi stabbed himself in the back 45 times or fell into a well. Most say he had terrorist links and was tainted by his time in the United States.
“Khashoggi? Isn’t that a Polish dumpling?” asked a Trump spokesman.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Whitaker to play lead in Manchurian Candidate
(Hsinking) Acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker will join a cast of thousands in the Christmas presentation of The Manchurian Candidate it was disclosed today.
The play, set during the Cold War, chronicles the lives of sleeper agents sent by North Korea to disrupt two-party politics in the US. The brainwashing scenes are magnificent while the stage lights amplify the already stunning array of Fifties’ fashions such as massive overcoats and boxy accessories.
This is the first performance by the little known Whitaker who rose to prominence as a candidate for several major offices in the state of Iowa. Later he represented World Patent Marketing, a fraudulent invention promotion firm shut down by the FCC for deceiving consumers, many of who were US military veterans.
He will be joined on stage by former Attorney General Jeff Sessions who will play Jupiter, a former POW during the Korean War who had once undergone surgery to become a chorus girl in Pusan. Retired House Majority Leader Paul Ryan has been penciled in to appear as a talking rat in all but one nude scene filmed on board the USS Elon Musk, in the Sea of Japan.
“Sessions brings a little light into an otherwise dark period in our history,” said director Hector Mongol whose resume includes such standout films and plays as “Gutless of Guilty”, “The Huckabee Hillbillies” and the epic play “Nancy Pelosi is Coming to Your House for Christmas”.
“I like the clever racist asides cracked by the little elves coming back to the prison camp at the end of the workday,” said Mongol. “Comic relief, often awkward, comes at the expense of the non-European extras bused in every day from the Yalu Valley.
The producers of the Yuletide presentation hope that President Trump will attend along with Mississippi’s favorite daughter, Cindy Hyde-Smith in tow.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Visiting our Civil War battlefields
In recognition of the 150th Anniversary of several major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelde traveled to Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray of their Flexible Fleetwheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three week trip.
Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia.
We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:
Matilda—“If Union general Hooker would not have been so hesitant and had showed some calm under fire standing firm rather than retreating to the confines of the town he might have easily defeated Lee who had already split his undermanned army and could not have had the punch to knock out an overwhelming force,”
Sam— “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious and adopting a defensive position. Look at the Confederate casualties and you will see that he was right. The South may have won the day but at a terrible cost of men and supplies.”
Matilda—“You think that just because you caught a few History Channel segments you are some expert. It was my relatives who fought while yours bought their way out of inscription.”
Sam—”And that was probably the last honorable thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished since…
Matilda—My family fought a Celtic war for the glory of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron just like you. I must have been out of my mind to marry a man who has no sense of history much less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to think I could spend three weeks on the road with an imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.
Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi
Sam—”Sure is hot this morning.
Matilda—”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the woods.
Sam—The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its not even noon.
Matilda—That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the air-conditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.
Sam—Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we could rough it for a few days in honor of the men who fought here.
Matilda—What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that without asking me first.
Sam—According to this map the siege began in May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and effectively splitting the South in two.
Matilda—History always looks simple to simple minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is particularly annoying. Look how far we are from the bathrooms.
Sam—But we’re self-contained
Matilda—In your dreams. You forgot to flush the system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the night in a hotel and far away from you.
Sam—Good. I won’t be here when you come back.
Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Matilda— If Lee would have adopted a more defensive position from day one he might have won a victory instead of having the high-tail it back home.
Sam—Maybe,
Matilda—What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that charging into a fortified position with fewer troops is a recipe for military disaster.
Sam―Not always.
Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from Vickburg.
Sam—I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m just tired of listening to you go on about things you don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress. Your food stinks, you wear to much makeup and you snore.
Matilda—You’re one to talk. You scurry around in those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat, with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is worthless.
Sam—Your dog ran away.
Matilda—No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over with the car.
Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your mother in the driveway when that dog started yapping…
Matilda—Don’t blame my mother for this. She was right about you. No backbone. No integrity. The poor woman has been depressed ever since I married you.
Sam—Why don’t you just shut up and watch the battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.
Matilda—Why must you be so hateful. Oh no…look at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be stranded.
Sam—There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few pounds in the process.
Sam and Matida will present a slide show of their wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.
WAITING FOR COUSTEAU
A rural harbor. A pier
Evening
Estragon, sitting on the beach, is trying to take off his flippers and catch a fish with a spear. He pulls the flippers with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter Vladimir.
Estragon: (Giving up again) Nothing to be caught.
Vladimir: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)
I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying, Vladimir, be reasonable, there are other fish to fry. And I resume the struggle. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turns to Estragon.) So there you are again with a line in the water.
Estragon: Am I?
Vladamir: I’m glad to see you back. I thought you had gone fishing on that boat forever.
Estragon: Me too.
Vladimir: Together again at last. We’ll have to celebrate with a fish fry. I have French wine. But how will we catch such? (He reflects) Get up till I embrace you.
Estragon (irritably) Not now. Not now. I think I have a bite.
Vladimir: (hurt, coldly) May I inquire where His Highness spent the night?
Estragon: On the boat.
Vladimir: (admiringly) A boat! Where?
Estragon: (without gesture) Over there.
Vladimir: And they didn’t make you clean fish?
Estragon: Clean fish? Certainly I cleaned fish.
Vladimir: The same lot as usual?
Estragon: The same? I don’t know.
Vladimir: When I think of it…all these years…but for me…where would you be…(Decisively) You’d be nothing more than carp bait, a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it.
Estragon: And what of it?
Vladimir: (gloomily) It’s too much for one fisherman. (Pause. Cheerfully) On the other hand what’s the good of losing your catch now, that’s what I say. We should have thought of a net a million years ago, in the nineties when the whales still roamed.
Estragon: Ah stop blathering and help me pull this bloody one in. We’re going to be in an underwater film.
Vladimir: Hand in hand from the top of the Eiffel Tower, among the first. We were respectable anglers in those days. Now it’s too late. They wouldn’t even let us throw out a line. (Estragon tears at the flippers) What are you doing?
Estragon: Taking off my oxygen tank. Did that ever happen to you?
Vladimir: Diving equipment must be taken off each day, I’m tired telling you that. Why don’t you listen to me?
Estragon: (feebly) Help me!
Vladimir: It hurts?
Estragon: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! A spear hurts!
Vladimir: (angrily) No one ever suffers but you. I don’t count. I’d like to hear what you’d say if you were bitten by a barracuda!
Estragon: It hurts?
Vladimir: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
Estragon: (pointing) You might button it all the same.
Vladimir: (stooping) True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.
Estragon: What do you expect, you always wait until the last moment to set the hook.
Vladimir: Well? Shall we go?
Estragon: Yes, let’s go
They do not move.
Continued next month
“Loosin’ up your breeches, grab a hunk of chew, turn your skis downhill. Now go for it.”
– advice from early ski instruction manual, Red Mountain, 1907
