All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

INOCULATION REQUIREMENT DROPPED FOR UTAH VISITS

(Nucla) Visitors to the the Beehive State will no longer be required to show proof of vaccines/shots according to the Sturgeon General’s Office at Cahone. The long held practice of preventive health insurance was abandoned after the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) were shown to be reasonably safe.

“They haven’t had a case of leprosy in over 15 years and both communities continue to make strides on Dutch elm disease as well,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster of St. Roscoe’s Clinic in Cahone. “We think it has something to do with uranium tailings,” he mused, “but that’s a very touchy subject.”

The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club has already scheduled a prairie dog pancake supper to celebrate the lifting of the quarantine.

“It was killing our summer tourism,” said one member of the altruistic sect.

Red Soyalle, a Basque chef operating Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Paradox told The Horseshoe that “the gov’ment ought to stay out of the commerce end of things and help with the fly problem around here.”

“I hang fly paper and even give out swatters to every adult diner,” he whined. “Why can’ those little balls of snot open their own restaurant? They could serve (expletive deleted).”

Flies often grow to enormous size here but elected officials are reluctant to blame the problem on radium/uranium tailings (see above).

Visitors from Mars and Telluride are reminded that they are still required to carry a visa when wandering west of Redvale. That’s the document not the plastic.

– Uncle Pahgre

CB SKI DOME APPROVED BY COMMISSIONERS

(Crested Butte) Construction of the nation’s first Ski Dome is slated to begin in April according to unreliable sources here. Last night’s blanket approval of the expansion by Gunnison County Commissioners was the last stumbling block in what has been a five-year effort secure a permit for the dome.

Over the past few seasons lift ticket prices have increased substantially while improvements have hardly kept pace. Critics of the ski industry, pointing to lucrative use of public property in the ski/real estate formula, say the Department of the Interior should implement lift ticket control like rent control and other programs operating around the country at present.

“The dome will represent these elusive improvements that ski barons keep talking about,” said Melvin Toole, a retired bumpmeister from Pitkin. “Now when people ask why tickets cost so much the lift operators can simply point at the dome.”

Sources at CBMR say the dome, which will cost 3 million dollars to build, will save thousands in snow making expenses and discourage melting due to climate controls turned on at night. The filters imbedded in the ceiling will allow just the right kind of sun into the picture while blocking out the dangerous rays. Skiers can expect perfect conditions every day and plans to operate the lifts 24-hours a day are in the works.

“Wind, blizzards, flat light and frigid temperatures will be a thing of the past,” said Billy Bub Bo Benchmark, a ski area spokesman who courted anonymity. “It will be a lot like going to the mall or skiing on a video game.”

Already local merchants have been invited to place large advertisements on the inner walls of the dome and native trees have been replaced with plastic varieties. The astro-turf arrives Friday.

“The retractable roof lets snow in while keeping many of the negative elements out,” said Benchmark. Three new hotels are planned and a 100-acre parking area has been purchased from the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons facility at Gothic.”

Construction is expected to be completed by the Fourth of July, unless it snows.

“Now they won’t even have to lie about last night’s accumulations anymore,” said Toole.

“This is fun and exciting,” said Benchmark. “We just hope nobody runs into a wall.” – Suzie Compost

Police to man underwater checkpoints

(Montrose) Local police units will be patrolling lakes and rivers this summer in an attempt to catch citizens engaged in illegal activities under water.

Prominent sandbag checkpoints have already been established at logistical positions such as Blue Mesa Reservoir, Ridgway Reservoir, as well as the Uncompahgre River and San Miguel Rivers. Further security stops will be added on the Slate River, Miramonte Lake and at Taylor Reservoir as summer traffic dictates.

“In the past people thought they could get away with breaking the law under water,” said a gun-toting ranger at Ridgway Reservoir. “We’re ending a message to all citizens: We know you’re criminals and we’re watching you!”

     Despite the pleas of Constitutionalists the checkpoints will feature SWAT teams in wet suits authorized to make arrests on the spot.

     “Plus we’ll be filming these episodes for TV,” said the ranger.

     Swimmers, even strong swimmers are warned to be on their toes over the warmer months. Critics say the authorities will give up the whole crazy idea when the first frost arrives from Canada sometime next October.

Black Run at Cedaredge?

Hold the skis. This is a challenging hole on the Back Nine at Cedaredge Golf Course. Great weather, seasonal specials and uncrowded fairways beckon the autumn linkster.

It’s all in the grip (or at least some of it)

One of the key elements to a successful round of golf is the grip. Above we observe the methodology of two local ladies at Dos Rios in Gunnison. Why does cold beer go so well with golf? That has yet to be established as of this afternoon. Local pros say experiments are expected to continue throughout the autumn.

Celebrity Gets San Juan Red Carpet Treatment

(Silverton) A visiting celebrity was welcomed to Silverton this week with a short parade, a windy speech by dignitaries and a barbecue in the park. The unidentified guest ate and drank liberally then, after a gratis stopover at a local liquor dispensary, headed off for Durango on the train in the company of two local ladies.

     “We don’t know exactly who he was,” said one Greene Street shopkeeper but he was famous all right.”

     Cynics over on Blair Street say the whole thing was a fraud and that the man was not a celebrity at all but only “swindler” drifting through the San Juans.

     “That is hogwash,” said a cook at the popular Pickle Barrel Restaurant. “We know a celebrity when we see one.”

     Sources at the Triangle Service, where the celebrity attempted and failed to fill his tank for free, told The Horseshoe that the town had been bamboozled.

     “It’s a good thing he didn’t stay longer or they might have elected him mayor,” said one mechanic.

– Olivia de Quirke