All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

UNDER THE TREE

Here is our quintessential inventory of the more innovative gift ideas for Christmas this year. American made Yuletide alms that, while not always tasteful, are affordable at least on the Black Market or from the foul-mouthed troll down under the bridge. Plunge ahead through mounds of sugar plumb diversions and stocking stunners that might just jingle someone’s bells. Remember: All live items require proof of inoculation and may involve lengthy quarantine procedures.

Our suggestions…

BILLY BOB’S Y’ALL LOG – Embrace the Panhandle Look this Christmas with the Free Burning Y’All Log from Alaskan Wilderness Explorers. Never be dependent on foreign or domestic firewood again. Natural gas, bark included, cream cleaned upon installation. Compatible with window air conditioning units made prior to 1960. Perfect for those visitors from the South, deep or otherwise. Caution: Contains wood fly-products. Self-lighting, odor-free, simulated flame. $235.99 with one-year warranty. Available at Ridgway Hardware.

PILTDOWN COMFORTER – Chase away winter’s chill with overstuffed chunks of Piltdown fabric from Eoanthropus Brothers of Pireus. Contains actual skull fragments, grizzle and cloning scraps from the laboratory floor. Seems to be fire-proof too. And the best news is that this chemically induced product will survive everything from baby’s next accident to a full-fledged nuclear engagement. Only $145. Test drive one today at Roll Me Over I Think I’m Done Boutique or any local parachute dealer

RIDE-EASY WIRELESS DUI MACHINE – Do you know someone still stupid enough to drink and drive? Why let them waste precious holiday shopping moments on roadside tests and backward alphabets? It’s cold out there along the side of the highway. Have you been drinking? Of course not! It’s the holidays.  Everyone should be ready when the next officer comes to call. Complete digital response, activated charcoal-clip friendly. Never overheats except in the summer. Comes in single malt or blended. Not recommended for dirt bikes. Watch one work at all Highway Patrol Auto Parts Stores and all local jails.

HIBERNATION HELPER – Know a recluse who won’t even leave the house even to buy a lottery ticket or take out the trash? Give them a case of this stuff and they might not even leave the bathroom. Mixed powder substitute with chrome-glaze finish. Pretty colored bag that’s almost impossible to open thanks to tamper-proof defoliant. Vegetable-free with estimated shelf life of a little over a decade. Odorless cord on industrial alarm may frighten children but makes this an easy gift to keep wrapped till the end. All you add is a layer of stored body fat and a pinch of fur. Individual packets insure privacy. Available at all Solar Foods and at Life Preserves at the Sprawl.

POCKET TABLE SAW – Perfect for the carpenter on the move. How many times have you heard them say, “Boy, if I just had a table saw…” Now the excuses are over. Folds up to 3 square inches for practical use. Metric sensitive. Inflatable for nautical application. Safe for use with most lumber products due to attachable fuel injection pump. Sucks up its own sawdust for a tidy exit. Dominant eye goggles not included. $500 w/ tiny matchbook case and file. Waferboard Paradise.

LOUIS XIV HEAD TRELLIS – Just like the one the silly French king wore to the guillotine. Let them say “I have delusions of grandeur” with one of these hanging off their throne. One size fits all. 100% organic, living material that blends with the scalp to create that peruke look for holiday parties. Compatible with all airline security systems and most cowboy hats. Shampoo lubricant and body hair nuclear steam iron sold separately. No shed guarantee pending. Only $75 at Wigs and Figs. Cart ride and basket extra.

SUNNY MORNING BREAKFAST WINE SAMPLER – Lots of delicious vintages for holiday chill-outs. Remind them that breakfast is indeed the most important meal of the day. Arrives by third-class mail in a phony goatskin in draped holly substitute. Find the right wine for each of your favorite breakfast meats. The December selection features a slim, irritating burgundy that is a sleazy remedy when served on a stick with fried baloney and cornmeal mush. Other holiday drinking ideas spelled out on the side of the case. $19.95 for holiday assortment. December collection available exclusively at liquor stores everywhere.

THE WINDSURFER MATTRESS – It’s hard to believe that Western man has survived so long without this technology and the concept is so simple. For added security outside the home this fully lined anti-inflammatory floatation disc is almost invisible in or out of the water. And if this isn’t enough its uni-sex, pet safe and washable. Buy early as we project that they’ll be out of stock quickly. $800 – $1600 at Sleep and Booty or check us out on the web at www.ed’sbeds.com.

RUBBER CHICKEN WINDOW DRESSING – Just like going to Chinatown without the mess. This was my favorite gift from last year and it’s still up! Looks great next to the Christmas lights. Smaller version for the tree or mantle. Almost the right last minute gift. Not appropriate for pets. Comes plucked or au natural. Great to take camping, through X-ray machines or prop up in the rear window of your car. And rest assured the manufacturer has been in business since the Ming Dynasty. Lord and War Lord’s, Gooey’s and Victoria’s Rubber Chickens. Under $10 new.

CLOSE RANGE ASSAULT POTATO LAUNCHER – So many uses its senseless to discuss. Just like the ones given to the Northern Alliance/Taliban in Afghanistan by the CIA back in 1982. Comes with frontal target fetish, ammo plunger, assortment of fuses and flare packages. Capable of neutralizing small Japanese cars. Can be camouflaged to look like an everyday cucumber case. These are not toys and will not be sold to minors without someone’s consent. $2000 with chrome beadwork. Slightly less when you use your Salivation Army card. Potatoes…They’re not just for vodka anymore.

LIMITED EDITION THIRD REICH SWISS ARMY KNIFE – Recently released technology has made these keepsakes available once again for another holiday season. Signature red handle hides the true intentions within. Rational accessory to any venture whether fiscal or utilitarian. Comes with over 40 combinations. Perfect for the history head or someone who likes salami. From Location Is Everything Cutlery at fine stores around you.

College Football Hyphenated League Standings

wins and losses

Reuters-Newark 12 2

Harley-Davidson 11 5

Texas-El Paso 11 8

Rose-Hulman 10 10

Wisconsin-Oshkosh 10 10

   Tenn.-Martin 1012

Duckbill-Sterno 9 11

Missouri-Volvo 7 15

Culver-Stockton 5 15

Carson-Newman 5 15

Lenoir-Rhyne 1 12

Late scores: Ezra Brooks 21, Fahrts 14; Upper Mississippi Chiropractic 12, Whatsamatta U. 0; Simon Fraser 41, University of Downtown Delta 3; Hooterville 21, Bo Diddley 20; Ophir Barber College 28, Evelyn Wood 6; Samoa Teachers 35, Tarkio 21.

Ridgway Implements 5 mph Speed Limit

The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a 5-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the post office.

Responding to safety and quality of life concerns the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.

No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of motivated labor and higher wages promised in the high country.

With more cars come more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, then came a new bridge structure along with a slew of turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. Highway 550 has been patched like the a flower sack dress.

“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill or Dallas Creek,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has a five mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they will go away.”

One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel.

“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.

The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.

– Small Mouth Bess

So far so good…

It’s Thanksgiving Day and I still have my head. Better keep a low profile until at least dark.

China corta pies de pollo

(San Francisco) China suspenderá todas las exportaciones de patas de pollo hasta la primavera que se anunció esta mañana. A pesar de un intercambio aparentemente cordial durante la visita programada del presidente Trump allí, los comentaristas fiscales temen lo peor.

“Debe haber hecho algo para enojarlos”, dijo un analista de color de FOX News.

 “Se puso duro detrás de escena para un cambio y obligó a China a regular el déficit comercial”, dijo un presentador de noticias en la Radio Pública Nacional.

En un tedioso intercambio, combinando el orden social Pol Potesque con un menú de trastornos de la personalidad maquiavélica del siglo XVI, China acordó aceptar 3 megatones de basura de campaña de los Estados Unidos si la Administración Trump simplemente se sentará a una cumbre de kimches en Pyongyang.

La Casa Blanca, que, según los informes, ha negado ya haber preguntado qué plato puede aportar a las conversaciones, ha prometido una decisión sobre este nuevo desarrollo para el fin de semana.

Los chinos prefieren usar basura de campaña, escrita en inglés, en sus pequeños hornos que producen miles de millones de objetos de plástico no esenciales para la exportación.

“Solo queremos nueva propaganda. No queremos que los trabajadores merodeen leyendo sobre Walter Mondale o Bob Dole cuando se supone que están haciendo plástico “, dijo un supervisor de la fábrica a través de un intérprete. –

–Ripple Van Winkle

BUTTER CROP DESTROYED BY HURRICANE MARGE

(Ft. Worth) At least half of the 2019 butter crop has been ruined after flooding and high winds associated with Hurricane Marge. Already this morning thousands are without animal fat spread, forced to employ oleo after pancakes stuck to the pan as far away as Texarkana.

Surges of drowned butter blossoms hang in the air. Tubs of the stuff float on makeshift rafts waiting in vain for recovery. Cows cry. Link sausages find themselves bedded down in shelters without sufficient reading lamps.

The President of the United States has declared the area from Clovis to Tyler a national cholesterol area and has promised over $200 in aid.

Marge, short for Margarine, a deceased Afro-French despot, is blamed for a dangerously stunted biscuits and gravy yield as far south as Galveston while the valuable grits crop is bound for the ports of Marseille and Hamburg . Texas alone sends 35,000 tons of grits to the former Soviet Union annually to be made into gut-wrenching, medicinal rubbing/swilling vodka.

Meanwhile butter farmers, up to their waists in saturated fats, have petitioned the government of Mexico for starter seed that must be in the ground prior to Pearl Harbor Day. After that the seed will not sprout and the fields will produce nothing but oil wells. Apparently the farmers feel the Mexicans have been hoarding the expensive starter seed since the early days of the Zapatista Movement in Chiapas.

“How else could their leaders be so consistently slippery,” asked one farmer, “and why else would the U.S. continue to turn its attention away from the heartless atrocities committed just south of the border down Mexico way? Now, we went and ruined the story by getting political when all the American TV viewing public really wants is to know what side of their bread is buttered.”

– Small Mouth Bess