All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Lone Cone Not Up To Code

(Norwood) Lone Cone and several other mountains in the Western San Juans are not up to code according to the state of Colorado. Seismic and geothermal enforcement units operating in the vicinity say the mountains must upgrade or lose their ratings for the coming summer.

For decades the mountains policed themselves on such regulatory considerations as rock shedding, electricity and general impact. Although not completely safe the system worked pretty well.

“That’s all fine,” said Gerald Ashcroft, of the Altitude Police, “but we were up at the top of Lone Cone Thursday and the place is hot. Readings taken on both sides of the mountain confirm our fears. Plus there was a lot of wire hanging out and the fuse boxes were mounted on trees. If we would have thought to bring our Richter Scales we could have landed a specific reading to send to the boys down in Washington.”

At state urging the feds will be employed to guard high risk mountains in an attempt to control the spread of terrorism.

“All it would take is a little attention to detail,” said Ashcroft, “and these big fellas could retain their status as contributing peaks. Right now it’s a disaster up there. Winter was hard enough and nobody bothered to get a building permit for the addition on Groundhog Mountain. Now we have a another population boom to deal with. Who plumbed this place anyway?”

In addition to wiring and plumbing specifications Ashcroft warned that high mountain peaks could be training grounds for terrorists intent on destroying the American way of life.

“We don’t have much culture under 12,000 feet but what we have is ours,” spouted Ashcroft.

Sources at the state level say that unless the aforementioned peaks comply they will be removed from the approved hiking list for summer.

“Then nobody would climb them,” said Ashcroft, “and then where would they be?”

– Uncle Pahgre

“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying

Reincarnation More Fun than “Plain Old Death” says Swami

Coming back the earth is far more fun than plain old dropping dead says Mambo Mickey Abduke, a Hindu-Muslim ascetic who resides in Forest Service campgrounds in return for painting signage.

In a departure from policy the Horseshoe bought him lunch the other day and the following dialogue emerged.

We asked him if, metaphysically speaking, more was better than less.

Abduke: No. I think we’re all looking for quality but with reincarnation diversity is at the ultimate end. Fearing ridicule or intolerance people don’t discuss this freely. It is out of our hands, so why worry about what we think?

Horseshoe: What if one could choose his final resting place from the get go?

Abduke: Many want to go to heaven right out of the shoot, heh? They don’t seem to consider coming back here as the pawns of fate. Brothers and sisters in karma. Maybe even death is not entirely about them?

Horseshoe: Interesting. Does coming back so often make one tired?

Abduke: I don’t know but I have an aunt who claims she has experienced over 20 reincarnations, from rat to queen, and she seems to get around pretty well.

Horseshoe: Would some folks who come back as a fly remember a former life say, as a writer or a realtor?

Abduke: Do you remember your former life as a zebra, do you?

Say Goodbye to Jardin

Packed up and ready to go. With friends Xavi and Soley on the plaza after lunch.

Colorado Moves to Restrict Bozos

The Colorado senate today passed a restrictive bill aimed at controlling the flow of bozos all across the state. This includes residents and travelers who might be harassed and could be deprived of certain privileges due to suspicious or alien bozo classification.

Bozos apprehended at higher elevations will receive the same treatment as those corralled in lower zones. Stinking Desert occupancies will be treated with non-sanctuary status. Bozos found in caves will be incarcerated upon contact.

Utah chimed in too: “We don’t know who and what they are but we damn sure don’t want them here,” said a County coroner familiar with these developments.

Although clowns are considered minor deities in some parts of the world, they are not much appreciated in the United States since most people cannot distinguish them from local politicians and squatter bureaucrats.

All the way with the EPA

And now we have a former coal lobbyist poised to takeover the reigns at the Environmental Protection Agency. The above photo is of New York City prior to EPA restrictions being imposed. Lowering pollution standards nets bad air as this color photo shows. Destroying the planet can be profitable, heh?

More on Textual Harassment Case

Earlier this week Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed that President Trump called her “a squat parasite, a pandering imbecile, a spineless charlatan (and) severely damaged goods. He then concluded that, “When they are passing out brains she was out of town”.

Despite the alleged assaults the Press Secretary will remain at her post. Instead of defending anyone, critics were amazed and distracted in that the president had such a firm grasp of the English language.

“This some of most clever, albeit biting, rhetoric that has ever flown from the mouth of President,” said Ernestine Warhole, respected editor of the Prince George (County) Defender. “It reminds us of Millard Filmore way back in 1850 when he allegedly called his short-lived Secretary of War “a trebling nincompoop that couldn’t find his ass if he had a map.”

“You may be my only serious readers,” – Melvin O’Toole when detained by border patrol at El Paso, TX, May 23, 1968. Later testimony proved the feds had it out for the scribe after he publication of his book “Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings” which they say is a vicious attack on the established order, while O’Toole insists his literary efforts revolve around recording the history of minor league baseball along the Ohio River (1937 –  2000)