All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

(Colona) The United States Forest Circus has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured.

Interruptions on the part of nosy humans creates the biggest problem according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.

“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”

Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.

“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”

The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.

“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”

Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. This can be achieved by training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers.

   “The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.

In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds say animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.

In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million signs on public lands from Missoula to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds could have limited the number of unnecessary signs to about 20 and saved thousands of trees in the process.

“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”

– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings, Testosterone Bros. Boston

Onion Recount Concluded

(Montrose) A controversial recount of yellow onions harvested here has been completed showing no misconduct or wrongdoing on the part of commodity traders or the farmers themselves. Following the lead of politicians, many protesting ballot results in national and state elections, local farmers demanded a full recount of produce figures back in October when the crop was first harvested.

Although preliminary summations appear to have been correct many farmers remain unconvinced of prescribed tonnage results and the number of truckloads delivered to prearranged sights.

“We’re not dealing with mom and pop groceries and family-owned produce stalls anymore,” said one angry onion farmer. “It’s a whole new arena today, one populated by crooked brokers, out-of-town banks and other corporate interests. With low wholesale prices and increased costs we have to watch out for ourselves. Discrepancies involving so much as a truckload or two could determine who stays in business and who starts looking for other work.”

The cost of the recount is estimated to be in the neighborhood of $350,000 which will be extracted from state lottery funds and newly approved taxes on tobacco products. Potato farmers, an untrusting lot by definition, are expected to follow suit, with a possible recount slated for fall of 2005.

In a related development the over 10,000 onion counters participating in the action will not be eligible for benefits since they are classified as part-time agricultural workers and were given free lodging during the almighty quest.

“You still have to go to Confession but you can bring your lawyer.”

– Ed McMahon on the advantages of being half Catholic and half Jewish.

Lone Cone Not Up To Code

(Norwood) Lone Cone and several other mountains in the Western San Juans are not up to code according to the state of Colorado. Seismic and geothermal enforcement units operating in the vicinity say the mountains must upgrade or lose their ratings for the coming summer.

For decades the mountains policed themselves on such regulatory considerations as rock shedding, electricity and general impact. Although not completely safe the system worked pretty well.

“That’s all fine,” said Gerald Ashcroft, of the Altitude Police, “but we were up at the top of Lone Cone Thursday and the place is hot. Readings taken on both sides of the mountain confirm our fears. Plus there was a lot of wire hanging out and the fuse boxes were mounted on trees. If we would have thought to bring our Richter Scales we could have landed a specific reading to send to the boys down in Washington.”

At state urging the feds will be employed to guard high risk mountains in an attempt to control the spread of terrorism.

“All it would take is a little attention to detail,” said Ashcroft, “and these big fellas could retain their status as contributing peaks. Right now it’s a disaster up there. Winter was hard enough and nobody bothered to get a building permit for the addition on Groundhog Mountain. Now we have a another population boom to deal with. Who plumbed this place anyway?”

In addition to wiring and plumbing specifications Ashcroft warned that high mountain peaks could be training grounds for terrorists intent on destroying the American way of life.

“We don’t have much culture under 12,000 feet but what we have is ours,” spouted Ashcroft.

Sources at the state level say that unless the aforementioned peaks comply they will be removed from the approved hiking list for summer.

“Then nobody would climb them,” said Ashcroft, “and then where would they be?”

– Uncle Pahgre

“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying

Reincarnation More Fun than “Plain Old Death” says Swami

Coming back the earth is far more fun than plain old dropping dead says Mambo Mickey Abduke, a Hindu-Muslim ascetic who resides in Forest Service campgrounds in return for painting signage.

In a departure from policy the Horseshoe bought him lunch the other day and the following dialogue emerged.

We asked him if, metaphysically speaking, more was better than less.

Abduke: No. I think we’re all looking for quality but with reincarnation diversity is at the ultimate end. Fearing ridicule or intolerance people don’t discuss this freely. It is out of our hands, so why worry about what we think?

Horseshoe: What if one could choose his final resting place from the get go?

Abduke: Many want to go to heaven right out of the shoot, heh? They don’t seem to consider coming back here as the pawns of fate. Brothers and sisters in karma. Maybe even death is not entirely about them?

Horseshoe: Interesting. Does coming back so often make one tired?

Abduke: I don’t know but I have an aunt who claims she has experienced over 20 reincarnations, from rat to queen, and she seems to get around pretty well.

Horseshoe: Would some folks who come back as a fly remember a former life say, as a writer or a realtor?

Abduke: Do you remember your former life as a zebra, do you?

Say Goodbye to Jardin

Packed up and ready to go. With friends Xavi and Soley on the plaza after lunch.

Colorado Moves to Restrict Bozos

The Colorado senate today passed a restrictive bill aimed at controlling the flow of bozos all across the state. This includes residents and travelers who might be harassed and could be deprived of certain privileges due to suspicious or alien bozo classification.

Bozos apprehended at higher elevations will receive the same treatment as those corralled in lower zones. Stinking Desert occupancies will be treated with non-sanctuary status. Bozos found in caves will be incarcerated upon contact.

Utah chimed in too: “We don’t know who and what they are but we damn sure don’t want them here,” said a County coroner familiar with these developments.

Although clowns are considered minor deities in some parts of the world, they are not much appreciated in the United States since most people cannot distinguish them from local politicians and squatter bureaucrats.