Bomb Threat No Substitute for Poor Planning

SPECIAL FROM THE MADRID SQUID WRAPPER & WRESTLER

(Madrid) Hector Gomez running was late. His whole family was running late and, upon further examination, he found that his wife and oldest daughter had not yet begun to pack. It was 11:15. The plane was scheduled to depart at 4:00 and the airport was at least an hour away. He had six round-trip tickets to Morocco but the whole expensive excursion was in serious jeopardy.

What’s a father to do? The only sensible idea is to call in a bomb threat on the flight. That way the departure time would have to be postponed while security people searched for the bomb, and the Gomez family could make the flight and would not have to forfeit their fare. What could be simpler? He looked around at the mess that was his home and got on the phone.

“I’d like to call in a bomb threat,” he said. “On flight number…just a minute…I have it here…Flight #7728 to Morocco.”

“And where is your departure city, sir?” asked the voice on the other end.

“Why Madrid, of course.”

“Is that first class or coach?” asked the voice

“It’s for the whole plane,” Gomez shot back wondering about all the questions.

“Will there be carry-ons?” the agent continued.

“For a while,” Hector laughed, “then the whole plane is going up!”

He was enjoying the exchange having experienced robotic, bored-to-death agents in the past and now finally having one of them over the barrel.

“So, exactly what kind of a bomb has been employed?” asked the agent.

“I don’t know. It’s just a regular bomb, you know with a fuse and some explosives attached. I’m an accountant not an explosives expert…Wait,” thought Gomez realizing that if he wanted the airline to believe his story he would have to be more specific…”It’s a ticking bomb in a brief case, a brown leather briefcase…with a Real Madrid decal on it. Yeah, and it’s welded to the landing gear!”

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” said the agent. “I can see you’ve gone to a lot of trouble to pull this off, huh?”

“Yeah, well it’s no trouble at all thank you,” Gomez replied.

“So what time’s it supposed to go off?” asked the voice from the other side.

“Oh, about 5:00 pm,” he said.

“That’s right during supper,” gasped the clerk. “That won’t do. Can you reset the thing for later?”

“Say what? Are you out of your mind? I have a bomb about to go off and you’re worried about people getting their chicken croquet, cold, stale roll and jello?”

“Sorry, Mr…..But we have to pay attention to these kinds of things. Now, are you a member of our miles award program?”

“Why no, what’s that?”

“It’s an incentive program that rewards you for frequent flights. It’s…”

“Wait a minute. I’m calling in a bomb threat. I don’t want to join any clubs and I don’t particularly want to fly these days with all the terrorists and gunslinger pilots on board.”

“That’s nonsense. Flying has never been safer. Why we haven’t had a major crash since last Tuesday. Your taking a bigger risk out in a lightening storm, eating canned meat or driving on the freeway. Where are you calling from anyway?”

Then it hit Gomez. This agent is attempting to keep me on the phone to determine my point of origin so she can call the cops.

“How stupid do you think I am?” asked Gomez. “I know you’re just trying to keep me on the line so as to identify me. You want to keep me talking while you determine my present position…Well it won’t work. Now let’s get back to the bomb.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to put you on hold while I check through my employee manual. I’m kind of new here and this is my first legitimate bomb threat.”

And at that, Gomez is left to his own devices. Should he get off the line and protect his position or stay on to make sure she buys his threat. Then the agent returned.

“OK, Mr. Boom. I have the information and I’ll pass it along to our security people. We’d be happy to get back to you but you’re so secretive and all…Just so I get this straight: The bomb has already been placed or will you be placing it this afternoon?”

“As I have already stated the damn thing is welded to the landing gear!”

“Now there’s no reason to get surly. I’m just doing my job. There are procedures that must be followed with this kind of thing…airline policies that must be respected.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get short with you. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. It’s already 11:30 and my family isn’t even packed yet…”

Gomez caught himself. He had almost given himself away.

“So you’ll be traveling with how many?”

“Twelve,” lied Gomez, trying to draw her off the scent. “Three babies, a deaf aunt, my wife and her six cousins.”

“My that’s quite a crowd but it only adds up to eleven. Who is the 12th ticket for?”

“It’s for me.”

“Oh, well have a great flight.”

Suddenly Gomez was interrupted by his wife, Alvira, who had taken a break from her packing to tell him that there were two husky Guardia at the front door asking for him.

“I’ve got to run,” said Gomez to the ticket agent. “There’s someone at the door.’

“Bye now,” whispered the voice at the other end of the line.

– – Alfalfa Romero

EPILOGUE: Gomez is currently serving the first of ten years at the Malaga-by-the-Sea Correctional Facility. His family, miraculously enough, finished packing and made the plane that day. Despite heightened security, they actually boarded on time for supper. The flight was pleasant and they reportedly loved Morocco. Visiting day is Wednesday but they are usually late.