Author Archive for M. Toole
NBA to adopt power play
(Denver) In an attempt to beef up sagging weeknight attendance over the tenuously long season, the National Basketball Association has adopted a slew of National Hockey League regulations. Included in next season’s amendments to the NBA Rule Book include the use of a penalty box, an expanded power play, and icing.
Soon, for the first time in the league’s history, fans will witness the employment of a penalty box for players called for personal fouls and unsportsmanlike behavior. The detainment boxes will be located under each basket, in full view of the crowd, where infractions will be punished for varying lengths of time according to the seriousness of the offense. Players deemed guilty such no-nos as throwing elbows, biting and tripping will do time here while traditional hoop violations such as charging, eye poking and traveling will go unpunished.
“First and foremost we don’t want to give up expensive seating space along the floor for penalty boxes,” said one NBA official. “These seats constitute a premium experience and we don’t want to rock the boat here in return for punitive considerations. Whether or not players who foul out will have to spend the rest of the game in these boxes has not been determined.”
“We don’t want the whole thing to turn into some sort of circus,” said the official. “Besides, we need to protect our millionaire athletes from aggressive, sometimes violent fans, swept up in the fast break moment.”
The power play will create a brand new set of consequences as four-on-five or even a three-on-five situations evolve on the court. Fears that the move will result in half-court affairs which could slow transitional play were shoved aside in light of potentially high scoring contests. Streamlined by a fast break mentality, the round ball power play is aimed at creating a scoring thret beyond the 3-point shot.
“We could very well see the return to legal zone defenses and whistles for petty violations,” said the source. “The potential for one-sided scoring opportunities might make a player think twice before shoving competitors or reaching in.”
Intentional icing, where a player throws the ball across the half-court for obvious defensive purposes, will result in further restrictions on play. In the early parts of the match it will be dealt with as only a loss of possession while in over-time it will constitute a jump ball (face-off) at the foul-line of the opposing team. This breach of the game’s new precepts could have dire consequences as any ardent fan would soon realize.
Fundamental elements of both games will be included in the rule book as the season progresses, however conflicts resulting from hazy prosecution of goal tending and crease infractions will be up to the discretion of the official on the floor. In addition the custom of wearing helmets and pads will be scrutinized by the league based on the level of violence and the general flow of play.
“Protective equipment could easily become cumbersome during a fast break,” said the official, “but we have to protect our players from serious injury. The floor is hard but so was the ice and at least we’re not stupid enough to cover the playing surface with astroturf.”
-Rocky Flats
LETTERS
Doth he not suffer the fool gladly?
– Oltorf, Lesser god of the Finn Jasmine Norse
Dear Horseshoe:
The Atomic Pet Waste Projectile that was advertised in your summer issue is a piece of garbage. Not only does in backfire but it leaks. Your recommendations, as usual, suck. I’ll never believe in you again.
Dag Katz
Crested Butte, CO
Dear Mel:
A few years back a friend of mine from Malibu received a lovely set of porcelain designer cat dishes. As one could easily imagine, she cherished them. Well, over the years normal wear and tear dictated the present condition of the remaining set. One saucer broke in Europe and a formal serving dish exploded in Bali. Another piece disappeared while we were surfing in South Africa in 1982. Anyway, I’ve searched the world over for a replacement set to send her. Do you know if any of the Montrose boutiques would carry something like that?
Muffy Floorburn
Telluride
Dear Muffy:
First let me just say that I enjoyed your Festival piece that appears elsewhere in this issue. You have a lot of talent. Want to go to the drive-in come spring? In undressing your correspondence, I suggest you try the animal shelter, Pets-Are-Us or the Cat’s Meow. If all else fails stop by the Salivation Army. Items like this have a way of surfacing there.
Dear Editor:
I must take exception with an article entitled “Presidential Notes” which appeared in your last issue. For your information, Richard Nixon played the electric guitar and not the cello as you repeatedly asserted. In addition, Gerald Ford mastered the triangle while in gym class at Michigan, not while sitting in Congress. While you were correct in your assumption that Jimmy Carter played the harmonica, you were remiss in your failure to mention his love affair with the washboard. It was at a washboard gig that he met both Teddy Kennedy and Walter Mondale in 1973.
The breakdown of Presidents and their musical instrument of choice follows a simple enough pattern. Some 22 Presidents, including Adams, Monroe, Tyler and Lincoln played the violin while another 30 enjoyed the piano. Teddy Roosevelt could really lay down some ragtime. Two played the tuba (Cleveland and Taft) and seven (including Bill Clinton) have chosen the saxophone as their preferred instrument. The only Chief Executive that did not play a musical instrument was Millard Fillmore who was completely tone deaf and spent his brief two-year stint plowing through Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter”, which he inadvertently left behind when driven from the White House. His successor Franklin Pierce could not make heads or tails of the book and subsequently gave it to his sister-in-law for her 50th birthday in 1853.
Thumbellina Etchabarron
Cimarron, CO
Dear Consumer Person:
Let him without guilt cast the first stone, heh? Before you throw your hands up in disgust at the irresponsible fiscal behavior in government you must ask yourself: What is my credit card debt? If Mrs Jones makes $40,000 per year and owes $50,000 to Citibank, she is effectively bankrupt and will never dig her way out of the hole into which she has fallen.
Deficit spending. Tighten your belt.
Credit card abuse is one-way street and a deadbeat is a deadbeat. You have to be a standup person. It is not a good bet that you will win the lottery and Jesus will not pay off your credit cards for you down the road, no matter what they’ve told you.
Stop pointing the finger and wake up before it’s too late!
Arthur C. Mothchild
Pimpco Brokerage and Grill
Geneva
To the editor:
Recently a Hashishistani Prince was neutered to keep the family out of power. Although seen as somewhat rash in some circles it was swift and effective and kept quarrelsome tribes from collective throats. The media coverage however, was deplorable with only the alternative press in attendance.
Now instead of a royal ascendancy they have a peasant’s paradise where everyone gets to be in charge of everything for at least one full day during his/her lifetime. Perhaps we should try it here too.
Everett Throckmorton II
Ditch Warlock
Downtown Delta
Mountain Report
The Rockies, including the San Juans and Elk ranges, are up there again today, standing like a stone wall against the elements…at peace with their surroundings and in total immersion with the coming day.
According to seismic apparatus on the scene, the mountains have shifted ever so slightly to the east, compensating for a miniscule shift to the north last Friday. They are covered with a deep blanket of snow in 95 % of the exposed terrain.
Many of the fury residents have taken to hibernating or hiding out to survive the harsh winter conditions common to areas of higher altitude.
These monuments of rock are projected to be part of the skyline landscape for many, many years to come. It is clear that the mountains will be here when humankind has disappeared or moved on. In short: everything is copasetic in the high country.
The mountains will remain this way while most of our daily problems melt into future dilemmas and our children’s children gaze up at them in awe…in retrospect, all the more reason not to take ourselves, and our brief time here, too seriously.
–Willie Holiday
CATTLEMEN MOOO HOOO DEVELOPMENT
(Montrose) Local cattle interests say that a massive development planned for the Otter Creek area is potentially destructive to their industry. The 3000-home subdivision is planned for what was once quality agricultural land.
Sources within the Cattlemen’s group content that with the excess building their cows will not be able to lie down anymore.
“With the limited acreage set aside for grazing our livestock will be forced to stand up 24-hours per day,” said Barb Wire, a spokesman for the group. “Do you know what that does to the breeding cycle, not to mention calving and the overall attitude of the herd?”
Dairy farmers echoed the same concern.
“Due to this rampant sprawl our animals can barely stretch out now,” said Harvey Milque, of Spring Creek Mesa. “Any more building will do us in. Some of my neighbors south of Montrose barely have room for a decent garden as it is. We have enough American culture now. What we need is a little Rocky Mountain restraint. Do we really have to look like Grand Junction?”
– Mel Toole
Colona Man Memorizes Zip Codes
The Great Indoors…
(Colona) Rudolph Flann has successfully memorized over 128,000 zip codes and their accompanying towns all across the United States and Canada. Starting with the easier ones closer to home Flann has increased his retention using word association, sleep deprivation, numerology, self-waterboarding and illegal fun drugs.
Friends and neighbors are impressed, as one might guess, but they never thought he’d carry his obsession so far.
“The man has thousands of five-digit combinations pasted all over his garage and scattered throughout his house,” says one neighbor who feels something should be done. “We don’t want to wake up in the morning and be forced to view zip codes for places we’ve never been or never intend to send mail.”
Flann, who has only been out of Montrose County once ( to Delta) in his 75 years, says his attempts are good for humanity. He first became interested in the zip code phenomenon when a customer asked him why the zip for a jerkwater place like Sapinero, Colorado had the same number of digits as a big city like Cleveland, Ohio. His inability to answer the question plagued him all that afternoon. Just why do all communities have five-digit zips and why won’t the post office deliver a letter without one?
He went home that night and began doing what quickly became tedious, though necessary, research and in time answers to this and other puzzles became clear.
Family members say they realize Flann needs help but something to keep him occupied is cheaper in the long run. He seems happy enough in his retirement but other interests, like golf or stamp collecting might have more merit. Meanwhile Flann defends his efforts in light of what he sees as public information.
“For years I saw the post office generate mounds of information that nobody ever needed to read, and I said to myself: “If they can do it why can’t I? If someone needs to know a zip code they can just call me and I can provide the critical information free of charge in a matter of minutes,” he smiled. Many people out there don’t see the value of this service until they find themselves up against the wall with mail to address. They often call sheepishly…apologetically, saying they had been a non-believer or admitting tearfully that they thought I was a nut. Sure it’s a silly hobby but it beats watching television all night.”
Flann’s wife, Marilyn, may disagree with his appraisal saying the hobby has spun out of control and that her husband should pay more attention to the family, their flock of domestic osprey and to yard work.
“At first I thought the hobby was harmless but now he’s got zip codes all over my kitchen. Last week I inadvertently mailed my mother’s recipe for fried chicken to Dayton, Ohio, and I don’t even know anyone there. If he could make some money with his fixation it might be different but each month he spends more and more on supplies to feed his frenzy,” she said. “Those five-foot numbers that he pastes all over the side of the guest house don’t come cheap.”
Oddly enough Flann has gained a faithful following of other residents interested in improving their knowledge of zip codes.
“We had a guy stop by yesterday who has been chronicling zip codes from Manitoba and he thinks he’s on the verge of a breakthrough into some otherwise unexplored terrain,” quipped Flann. “It’s stimulating to be right here while history is being made. Someday when all the citizens of this great country are required to display personal identification numbers on their foreheads our leaders will thank us for our efforts in this cutting edge technology.”
Persons wishing to see for themselves what Flann and his friends are up to should drop him a postcard. Be sure to include the correct zip code.
“The devil can site Scripture for his purpose.”
– William Shakespeare in The Merchant of Venice
TIPS FROM MR FIX IT
Today’s premier race features Proud Philistine against a newcomer Sarah’s Charm. We’d go with the older horse since some friends have had a chat with Sarah’s jockey and he agreed that his family would be far safer if he came in third. Later in the afternoon the daily double features Amalgamated Princess in the Fifth and Sorrow Jumper in the final race. Bet these two heavy since our sources confirm easy access to the east gate stalls and a lack of security in the early morning hours prior to the first race.
The question on the racing forms has been whether or not Galloping Goose will handle the extra pressure created by the return of Dove Extravaganza and his popular jockey Elmer Wadd. Let’s keep it clean here. We spoke to Elmer and he says Dove may take a fall in the stretch. He concluded that his chain of Chinese laundries would be far more secure if he got out of racing altogether prior to the spring card. Season record 115- 3. See ya round the winner’s circle!
“Colorado casinos offering counseling on gambling addictions are akin to a hooker on East Colfax offering advice on the techniques of celibacy. – Phillip Lassio
