Author Archive for M. Toole
2022 Gout Season Will Continue Despite Virus
This year’s gout season will go on as planned despite concerns over viruses, volcanoes and societal voltage. Although precautions are in place many unwilling participants are stocking up on cherries and anti-inflation aids in apprehension of crystal conflicts.
Traditionally stretching from late Feb to early May gout season has become a regular, if not pleasant visitor with little explanation of why and how and only a glancing interest in what and when by the medical community. Underlying causes for the painful malady run from diet to heredity to simple bad luck
As most readers know the termination of gout season coincides with the arrival fo the cherry crop from the Northwest. Cherries, along with fish fruit and vegetables are recommended to treat flare ups. Alcohol and red meat are the major bugaboos.
Col Goute at work outside of Gettysburg in 1863. Although some say his methods are extreme, his solution to gout is effective and has been seriously considered by many in their time of need.
Named after Col Reggie Goute, a French surgeon active during the American Civil War. Goute, who changed his name to Gout following Cold Harbor, lays claim to have sawed off more than 400 extremities between 1863 and 1865. His remedy for gout? You guessed it.
Meanwhile the San Juan Horseshoe’s annual gout Issue has received rave reviews all across the civilized world and in Grand Junction.
The Pea Green Peeper says “They actually carried the gout theme to the bounds of infinity without even stopping for a nice fried lunch.”
“Incredibly deep, yet shallow on individual case histories and solutions.” – Pitcairn Island Medical Journal
“A throbbing microcosm of crystallized data that jabs at the nerve centers of what is real and what might be real.” – Popular Hysterics
“Riveting, relentless, slicing “- The Dublin Daily News
The Great Indoors…
Local Man Memorizes Zip Codes
(Montrose) Rudolph Flann has successfully memorized over 128,000 zip codes and their accompanying towns all across the United States and Canada. Starting with the easier ones closer to home Flann has increased his retention using word association, sleep deprivation, numerology and illegal drugs. Friends and neighbors are impressed, as one might guess, but they never thought he’d carry his obsession so far.
“The man has thousands of five-digit combinations pasted all over his garage and scattered throughout his house,” says one neighbor who feels something should be done. “We don’t want to wake up in the morning and be forced to view zip codes for places we’ve never been or never intend to send mail.”
Rudolph Flann (left) has memorized almost 130,000 zip codes since retiring from the post office in 1994. Today the energetic hobbyist says he’s just getting started. He estimates that there are some 31,170,0000 more of the postal codes to digest.
Flann, who has never been out of Montrose County in his 74 years, says his attempts are good for humanity. He first became interested in the zip code phenomenon when a customer asked him why the zip for a jerkwater place like Sapinero, Colorado had the same number of digits as a big city like Cleveland, Ohio. His inability to answer the question plagued him all that afternoon. Just why do all communities have five-digit zips and why won’t the post office deliver a letter without one? He went home that night and began doing what quickly became tedious, though necessary, research and in time answers to this and other puzzles became clear.
Family members say they realize Flann needs something to keep him occupied in his retirement but that other interests, like golf or stamp collecting might have more merit. Meanwhile Flann defends his efforts in light of what he sees as public information.
“For years I saw the post office generate mounds of information that nobody ever needed to read, and I said to myself: “If they can do it why can’t I? If someone needs to know a zip code they can just call me and I can provide the critical information free of charge in a matter of minutes,” he smiled. Many people out there don’t see the value of this service until they find themselves up against the wall with mail to address. They often call sheepishly…apologetically, saying they had been a non-believer or admitting tearfully that they thought I was a nut. Sure it’s a silly hobby but it beats watching television all night.”
Flann’s wife, Marilyn, may disagree with his appraisal saying the hobby has spun out of control and that her husband should pay more attention to the family, their herd of osprey and to yard work.
“At first I thought the hobby was harmless but now he’s got zip codes all over my kitchen. Last week I inadvertently mailed my mother’s recipe for fried chicken to Dayton, Ohio, and I don’t even know anyone there. If he could make some money with his fixation it might be different but each month he spends more and more on supplies to feed his frenzy,” she said. “Those five-foot numbers that he pastes all over the sides of the guest house don’t come cheap.”
Oddly enough Flann has gained a faithful following of other residents interested in improving their knowledge of zip codes.
“We had a guy stop by yesterday who has been chronicling zip codes from Manitoba and he thinks he’s on the verge of a breakthrough into some otherwise unexplored terrain,” quipped Flann. “It’s stimulating to be right here while history is being made. Someday when all the citizens of this great country are required to display personal identification numbers on their foreheads our leaders will thank us for our efforts in this cutting edge technology.”
Persons wishing to see for themselves what Flann and his friends are up to should drop him a postcard. Be sure to include the correct zip code.
-Fred Zeppelin
Lemmings Flip House Seats – Many Injured
(Venison, CO) A catastrophe of immense proportions is still unfolding near here this morning after first responders failed to locate survivors at a scene of mindless destruction. While the loss of lemming life is deplorable, the political ramifications may benefit certain fringe parties. The robotic demise, sad or successful depending on your attachment to local lemmings, is not surprising given the nature of the beast.
This fuzzy report comes on the heels of Center for Disease Control findings that laughter is deemed an essential service. Rated directly between liquor and gasoline, giggles, snickers, guffaws and crackups fit comfortably into this hallowed classification. If confusion persists, or you want to know more about the poor lemmings, call your gov’ment.
-Marigold Tilapia
“And then the pasty-faced bastard said that Sophia Loren had been (and was still) fat. That’s when I boxed him in the gob. No, I am not sorry.”
– Conor Sturgeon in Buren of the Dolomites
Feasts Commemorate Monster Stalin’s Journey to Hell
The 67th Annual Celebration observing the death of Russian dictator Joseph Stalin on March 5, 1953 will be held on September 5 at Kiev Hall in Gladstone. The popular festival with full-contact grouse wrangling, Beet and Sour Cream Jubilee and colorful otter egg hunt, had been rescheduled due to social distancing concerns, complications and potential conflicts with the Corona Virus. Ethnic music, regional cuisine and native dance will be part of this year’s event. Come on up but bring your mask and measuring tape!
AMERICAN TAXPAYER FEATURED ON NEW COMPUTER GAME
(New Jork) A facsimile of the average American taxpayer will be a major component of the new computer game Super Baloney Brothers which is scheduled to hit the stores by Christmas.
The game will pit an everyday wage earner against unsurmountable odds in an attempt to challenge the computer enthusiast to the max. The theme is to be simple enough. It centers around the the common desire to stay above water while attempting to come to grips with the evil deficit, represented by greedy trolls and other ravenous fiscal beasts. These desperate monsters currently hold the future of the country, represented by Lady Liberty in-the-flesh, hostage.
Production is currently at a standstill while government officials examine the workings of the game so as to determine if it encourages violent revolution or is simply another silly diversion.
-Oral Waters
Expanded NBA Play-Offs to be held outdoors
Kids have done it for decades. In rough neighborhoods from The Bronx to Baltimore to East Los Angeles, they play basketball. Now National Basketball Association stars will compete in high anxiety matchups on blacktop courts and back lots in some of the nation’s more challenging, yet stimulating neighborhoods.
In what is called Spread the Wealth America, the innovative plan expects to drop hundreds of thousands of dollars where it is needed the most. Players, broadcasters, advertisers, league officials and the feds are all on board with the outdoor games that culminate in May.*
“Imagine the top players in the NBA banging the boards and stuffing it in naked rims just like the kids in the hood,” said Efram Pennywhistle Jr., a self-described “philanthropic point guard for commerce” who has raised a bundle as Millionaire players and fans bond with disadvantaged kids.
“Our advertisers are drooling at the prospect of presenting their brand as kind, caring and cutting edge,” smiled Pennywhistle. “I remember when it was fashionable for many corporations to practice institutional racism but those days are over, at least on the surface.”
In a related piece the National League has voted unanimously to abandon the traditional dugout during this and all future pandemics. Saying that the close proximity of players is unhealthy, the Major League entity did not say when the dugouts would reopen. Over in the Junior Circuit, where many view the keystone diggins’ as bomb shelters, there has been no word on this potentially consequential mater. – Dolores Alegre
*exact date unknown due to Covid-19 truncations
