Author Archive for M. Toole
Salem Fish Trials Causing Stir
(We join our piscatorial inquisition in progress)
Judge: So you say you are not and have never been a fish?
First Defendant: How come there aren’t any men up here accused of being fishes?
Bailiff: Quit the slime and just answer the question
Defendant: I am not a fish. I can’t even swim. The only reason I’ve been accused is that the neighbors think I’m weird…and I do cast spells on people and brew concoctions of black magic.
Judge: Enough! We are not here to dissect your social life or determine sexual preferences. We only want to know if you breathe through your gills or not.
Defendant: No. I am not a fish or even a reptile.
Judge: Burn her. Make sure the fire’s hot. Sometimes it’s hard to get these fish lit. Next…Hmm…I see here you have been accused of being a tuna. What have you to say?
Second defendant: I am no tuna. This whole mess can be explained. You see, five years ago I borrowed a gaffing hook from the neighbor and he says I never returned it. Then, when all this fish trial business started all the neighbors got together and decided to accuse me of being a fish, which of course is based on personal vendetta and has not an inkling of truth. Just because I don’t keep my lawn up to snuff, they want me dead. Therefore…
Judge: Silence! Are you or are you not a fish?
Defendant: No.
Judge: You look like a fish. Can you swim?
Defendant: Some but not under water.
Judge: How to you feel about evolution and the origin of the species?
Defendant: The E word is definitely not going on in the United States and the origin of the species, like everything else, comes wrapped in your grocer’s freezer.
Judge: How do you feel abut a side of hush puppies and slaw?
Defendant: I can tolerate them just so long as we’re not on the same venue.
Judge: Do you spawn?
Defendant: Well, maybe on the weekends but not…
Judge: Burn her. Now then, one more case and it’s time for lunch. Stand up wench. You have been accused of fishcraft. How do you plead?
Third Defendant: I am innocent. I am not and never have been a fish. I don’t like tartar sauce, spinning reels, worms or tide pools. I don’t even like to go to the beach. I hate jumping out of water without a wet suit and hate traveling around in schools. I may be an alchemist, ride around on a broom or wear a pointed hat, but I’m no fish.
Judge: Hmmm. You say you’re not a fish.
Defendant: That’s right.
Judge: Not a carp, or a catfish? Not a shark or a whale? Not a pike or a perch?
Defendant: None of the above.
Judge: Sounds fishy to me. Burn her and throw a couple of ears of corn on the fire while you’re at it. It was a busy morning but now it’s time for lunch.
continued on page 56
Denver CPA jailed in paternity caper
Garr Potter, accused father of Harry Potter, has been detained regarding alleged failure to pay child support.
The gifted ledger magician, a registered Tex offender residing at North Hencrowe Ave directly above I-25 in Frogtown Flats, insists that Harry pulls down millions from his books and films and does not need the money.
Potter has filed a not guilty plea.
“I had no idea of this sordid past,” said his lovely wife who demanded animosity. “I thought I was marrying a muggle.”
Potter, a lawn and garden enthusiast, pioneered the concept of backside communication while excelling at Western State University when it was still categorized as only a college.
“He goes away in the morning and rides a bike at the local Y but he never quite gets to his imagined destination,” continued the significant other. “He never really arrives, man.”
In a related development the United States will trade voting machines to China for more Chinese-made Trump signs and American flags to wave.
Next time: Full Moon Pork Loin
Democrats Concede 2022 Elections
(Washington) Politicians and voters linked to the Democratic Party have all but given up on the 2022 Mid-term elections according to a just completed poll.
Although reasons for this phenomenon are varied it appears conclusive that the issue rides on an inferiority complex linked to leaders at the top of the heap.
“If you can’t beat this gang of whackos in the GOP now what chance is there down the road?” said Ellen Chide, former campaign manager for a host of Democrats. “Maybe a clear message aimed at voters would help.”
Many American voters are left out in the cold by Democrats who appear lame and plagued by in-fighting. They appear to equate the party with big government and the same old song and dance. Apparently they see the GOP as populist and responsive although in reality it is racist and incompetent relying on sound bytes to stoke fears about immigration and right to choice.
“The Democrats are bumblers while the Republicans are flat out mean,” said Chide. “which leaves us with nobody in our corner.”
Mid-term elections, that historically favor the party out of power, often foreshadow which way the wind will blow two years later.
–Fred Zeppelin
Hordes expected for Spring Colors Week in April
(Lake City) Surging mobs are expected for the first ever Spring Colors observation, according to rogue elements of the local chamber of commerce. The celebration will center in but not be restricted to Hinsdale County.
A brainchild, hatched by well intentioned marketing wizards who shall remain blameless, as well as nameless, evolves from a desire to draw monied visitors to the San Juans at a slow time of the year.
“The thing is there are not really any colors to speak of but they hear the name Colorado and they pack the car,” laughed one longtime contractor. “You have your evergreens and usually snow and with blue skies and sunsets the concept is valid enough to exploit, if only on a trial basis.
Asphalt-Only Escorted color tours are offered to Ouray, Saguache, Creede and other hard-to-spell and/or pronounce locales. Several eateries including Lake City Cafe, Packers, Climb and Mom’s Fly & Bait have announced an extension of seasonal hours to accommodate warm and cold-blooded diners alike.
Just Say No To Colorado, an anti-development (and probably communist) faction has filed complaints targeting the move.
“You invite chaos,” it suggests, “only to inject a few tourist dollars into seasonably sluggish economy that surely exhibits the stark dexterity of a once-spry octogenarian crossing an angel hair tightrope in velcro irrigation boots. We have photos of brown. We have photos in black and white.”
As of this morning it was not clear if pro-spring colors groups would petition their adversaries to reconsider their position on the event or simply to go jump in the lake.
-Pepper Salte
“In Spain the dead are more alive than in any other country in the world.”
– Federico Garcia Lorca
Many Mule Deer Opting For Early Retirement
(Montrose) An alarming number of mule deer from the Uncompahgre Plateau are choosing to retire early and accept whatever salary and benefits they can get. Seeing the move as a viable alternative to ending up at the wrong end of a gun the animals would be retrained in other fields such as restaurant work and construction.
Sources within the gov’ment say they are somewhat concerned as to the fiscal affects of this mass retirement but the biggest concern is that there might not be enough deer on the job during hunting season.
“We’ve already overcharged all of these out-of-state hunters for licenses,” said Melvin Toole of the DOW. “It would not be pretty if all the deer are out to pasture when they arrive. Who knows, the orange battalions might come hunting for us!”
Toole expressed concern that many of the deer see the retirement as more of a sabbatical, thinking they can go back to work in December.
“We won’t have any of that,” he spat. “Once they’ve quit they’re out of the picture. We have already contacted scab herds from Utah to fill in by early 2023.”
The situation has become even stickier with the disclosure that local elk will go through with a class action suit against bullet manufacturers in November. Herein the animals say the producers of shells have knowingly endangered their well being. They are modeling their efforts after successful settlements with tobacco cartels.
“The elk became angry when they got wind of DOW attempts to temporarily cancel health benefits from early October through November,” sniffed Toole. “That’s why they boycotted the annual moose raffle at Armageddon Bingo Palace last month.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Apostles not Jesus’ team says Lackluster
(Narrow Frontal Plaza) Never does the Christian Bible refer to the 12 renown Apostles as a team. What are these revisionists thinking? Apostles are loyal, dedicated, esteemed, often fanatic followers while teams are made up of players who might get traded to Cleveland tomorrow.
These people where never a team in any respect. They were not simply players. To classify them as sixth men or taxi squad or utility persons does them a serious injustice. To do so diminishes their importance in the early folklore of the sect.
Dr. Simon Lackluster, a nocturnal geologist (aka “the sidearms reverend) on loan from the University of Caucasoid (Norway) sees a wide chasm between apostle and team.
“Superstition has a life all its own. Those years when I ran the mega-church people always wanted me to answer their questions about mortality, so I did . Later when they asked me to preach in their churches and pulpit their Bible studies I opted out for a brief, but concentrated drunk in downtown Rifle. Guilty? Certainly. Poor? No,” he coughed.
“The use of corporate lobotomy skid words like team, whatever and especially reach out is so blisteringly trite and insincere that it makes me want to vomit,” adds Sister Suzie Sinbad, a former Mother Superior on Lake Ontario who was disbarred from the convent for allegedly torturing squirrels in the nearby forests while the other nuns were at vespers.
“Cock-A-Doodle-Doooo…!” – Conor Sturgeon upon seeing Rica Merluza for the first time
