Author Archive for M. Toole
CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX
(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Biden, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. The speedy action is seen by insiders here as an attempt to distract the diligent American population from themselves and the real world around them.
Proponents of the tax, established last month, were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation.
“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all the crap that is generated in these sacred chambers without making him pay yet another creeping tax.”
Opponents of the amendment, including authors of the Contract on America, issued this statement following the final vote: “Colonial attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 16th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with our Congressional shenanigans and pay us to do nothing why shouldn’t we in turn make him as comfortable as possible while he is being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product.”
One attractive television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. He then fell dead at his station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a common unlicensed street vender in Georgetown.
Meanwhile President Biden told reporters that the tax was easily as valid as his presidency.
“Do you know how much Vaseline costs at the pumps in Europe and Japan?” he asked.
– H.L. Menoken
SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED
(Montrose) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the World Is Flat Puritan Consortium the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping an intellectually challenged segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control, social responsibility and progressive hygiene.
Santa was chosen both because his very existence is likewise based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.
“All those elves running around must mean something,” said one teacher*, “even though our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials, but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem with fear and pseudo-morality in accordance with the accepted yardsticks?”
*Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position.
-Eureka DeHaviland
Senate to House Homeless over Holidays
The United States Senate chambers, empty due to a yet another Congressional Recess, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with the country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia, New York. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope and leaves them on the street”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us to sleep on.”
A verbal Christian, Salamander shot back at reporters when asked what Jesus might have done with the homeless:
“Jesus ain’t here,” he scoffed.
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US
Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries
(Connemara, Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the woodlands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.
The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) which stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.
Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that Spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?
Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.
Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.
With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…
US Seeks to Control Flow of Naughty Underwear
(Paris) France and a host of other European nations have accused the U.S. of cornering the market on naughty lingerie. The action, acknowledged in part by leading diplomats, began almost a year ago with the federal monitoring of underwear sales in North America.
U.S. interests allegedly seek to control the billion-dollar industry world wide according to fashion leaders here. They say that the Americans have stepped up production in an attempt to dominate global trade in the naughty commodity.
“Certainly we’d like to see more of the underwear made in the United States before embarking on some conspiratorial effort to regulate its exchange,” said Teddy LaRouiex, of the State Department. “Right now most of the garments are made in Third World countries.”
French leaders have protested the move saying that governments have no place tampering with slinky underwear. In an official statement released here the French have stopped short of condemning a long time trading partner asking only that the U.S. refrain from such action. “We are scandalized by the efforts to control distribution, design and prices of naughty lingerie, a product that should enjoy free access under the principles of supply and demand. We hope that the shear weight of protests will alleviate what has become a delicate situation.”
France then added that there are far more pressing issues on which to focus.
In private, leaders there said to have expressed horror that the status of naughty underwear might be by orchestrated solely by a country “misdirected by hefty servings of puritanism and guilt”. He told close advisors that the stream of underwear is sacred and should never be manipulated by a private entity.
Reaction all over the continent was pretty much the same. In Holland leaders called on the U.S. to stay out of people’s bedrooms and in Italy protestors threatened to attack the American Embassy if the situation is not reversed. Portugal called for a boycott on all goods manufactured in the U.S. while in Ireland manufacturing plants have begun turning out intimate software aimed at combating what Dublin calls an invasion of privacy.
Even the Russians are angry. Today Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, called on Russians to reject all foreign-made frillies and buy all interior items, including wool socks and long handles from reputable government outlets within the country. EU economists expect this plea to have reverberating effects going into the Russian lingerie season (June and July) when its actually warm enough to walk around in the scanty attire.
Not to be outdone Nicolas Maduro, President of Venezuela called the developments “crimes against humanity”. He called on the workers of the world to cease production of U.S. bound lingerie.
“Let them see what its like to go without,” said Maduro as part of a six-hour speech carried by Tele Sur. “Their GIs started this whole power grab in Europe after World War II with the documented silk stockings and Hershey bar enticements. Now all these shenanigans have come home to roost.”
Meanwhile the hoi polloi of the fashion industry have remained mute waiting to see more.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Give a man a fish…
“Give a man a pork chop and he become reliant on a handout and expects another. He gets lazy and dependent. Give a man a fishing pole and he can stand there all day without even seeing a pork chop break the water. He will soon eat his bait if he hasn’t already done so. Give a man a habanero and he’ll be taking multiple coffee breaks the next day. Give a man a piece of pine to naw on and before long he’ll get to liking it and forget about the pork chop.””
—Podiatricius 399 BC-357 BC
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