Author Archive for M. Toole
Forest Service Selling Signs
Montrose) The United States Forest Service is holding its annual firewood sale now that winter is about to climax. The agency is slated to replace over 1.3 million signs, prohibiting an assortment of actions within the confines of national forests. The well-cured signs come only from Western Colorado trees.
Interested parties can purchase the signs/firewood on Saturdays throughout the spring. A full pickup load will cost approximately three ration coupons.
“This is some excellent fire starter,” said Cheery D. Spare of the USFS. “It’s nice and dry from sitting in the sun and splits quite easily. Buyers are urged not to use the signs for summer barbecues since the oil based paint may taint foods.”
It is estimated that the federal agency owns some 60 million signs that are often displayed everywhere from toilets to wilderness areas. It is not known how many signs the wilderness needs, but more than 90% of them contain the word No clearly emblazoned on their surface.
“The signs are meant for human direction since it has become clear to us that wild animals cannot or will not learn to read,” said Spare.
For further information, please text the USFS.
– Uncle Pahgre
A big problem in the United States
Unruly passenger behavior reached record highs in the United States last year, with nearly 6,000 reports of unruly behavior logged by the Federal Aviation Administration. So far this year, the FAA has logged 712 reports.
The agency said in mid-February that 80 of the disruptive incidents on aircraft since the start of last year have been referred to the Justice Department to consider criminal prosecution.
In February, an American Airlines flight attendant hit an unruly passenger in the head with a coffee pot as he tried to open the plane’s exit door and the flight was diverted. The FBI was involved in that case and the passenger was charged with one count of assaulting and intimidating a flight attendant.
“It was a terrific swing, smooth and on target,” said one by-sitter. The flight attendant was later invited to non-spring training in Florida and Arizona by a host of idle major league teams, purgatoried by the Lockout. The detailsof a signing bonus, called immoral by the puritanical FAA were not disclosed.
The FAA does not have authority to prosecute criminal cases, but it can propose fines of up to $37,000 per violation for unruly behavior.
In November, the FAA proposed $161,823 in civil penalties against eight passengers for alleged incidents of unruly behavior involving alcohol.
US Will Be Gated Community by 2025
Editorial
with Sam Greengrass, Holistic Sociologist
(Mañana) If current trends continue the United States could be a gated community in just a few short years. Rapidly expanding suburbs, poor planning/zoning, the shortage of forts and the disparity between rich and poor have all been cited as major culprits in this phenomenon.
Wealthier types certainly don’t want the great unwashed hanging out in their front yards. That’s normal. This problem can be averted by closing off access at the entrance of a fortified community. In more congested urban areas this is accomplished with a security gate while out in the suburbs an armed guard or dogs could be brought in to do the trick.
The key is avoiding contact with migratory groups and persons looking for a handout. Why should people who have made it be forced to look at those who have not been so fortunate? Good fences make good neighbors.
With both crime and the number of militarized policeman on the rise one might base his gated status strictly with security as a priority, but keep in mind that a locked gate is never a fool-proof deterrent. Criminals, who don’t usually work full time, have been known to be quite innovative when picking locks, hiding in septic systems, sneaking under doors and distracting security personnel.
Until states like Colorado embrace the death penalty for burglary the epidemic will continue. People who have things that they don’t want to share with others should prepare to insulate themselves from lesser humans, intent on stealing.
The gated concept is not just a reality in the cities and suburbs. People living in the mountains under the mistaken warranty that they are out of the mainstream and thus safe from intrusion, may be sadly surprised in the New World where criminals wander at will.
While gates will do little good out in Hooterville there are other more effective measures that can be employed to assure the wealthy that the criminal element has been dissuaded. One such prevention device is a moat dug around the property. Since most poor people have never learned to swim they cannot cross over and get their hands on one’s goods. Another effective obstruction is a machine gun nest, or nests, placed at strategic locales such as the bedroom window, baby’s room, in the trees by the pool, or on the roof of the garage.
Dogs, for decades the security of choice for many in the upper earning bracket, are less effective since they cannot be trusted. Often distracted by bits of food, sirens or other dogs, these sentries may keep some people out while allowing others access. Nobody knows exactly why this is true but ask any crook or dog lover and they will tell you.
We all know that poor people are thieves. If you want to keep what’s yours you must take steps to protect it. While private armies are frowned upon by the federal element a few guards on patrol in the environs can keep sticky fingers at bay. They can also circulate in the immediate region watching for suspicious characters and plots aimed at taking your things. Many of these security persons are not afraid to confront a potential intruder and deliver a good beating for good measure.
As one investigates these approaches to heightened security he will find that there are many types of gates that will do the job. There is the Latin American approach which uses bits of glass at the top of the wall to deny entrance to even the most athletic crook. There are electric fences and trigger devices that fire an assortment of projectiles at intruders. There are road spikes and minefields too which can get rather expensive.
Just take care to perform a thorough check into the background of any potential ally. Don’t let the kind of car he drives or the number of domestics employed, determine his reliability. The whole lifestyle could just be a disguise, an attempt to lull you to sleep while he takes it all. The last thing you need is a fox watching the hen house or one of them firmly entrenched on the inside.
Next Month: Secure Parking Methods and Car Alarms
(Editor’s note: If you plan to employ live ammunition as part of your security shield/gate be sure that neighbors are aware of your actions. Too many times innocent people are injured by stray bullets aimed at criminals. Hey, these folks are on your side. They are only trying to protect their possessions too. In these times of overpopulation and greed we must all stick together.)
Workers Could be Housed at Wal-Mart
(Gunnison) In an attempt to relieve conflicts associated with a potential Big Box retailer invasion, Wal-Mart today offered to provide affordable housing to the region’s low-income residents. These persons, who could qualify for the cheap housing, are estimated to be about 15% of the population. Most are engaged in daily labor in an attempt to make ends meet in this otherwise affluent region.
Although the cloudy gesture appears to be another calculated attempt to wear down the opposition, Wal-Mart officials insist they are sincere in their efforts to provide human services for the needy. The massive merchandiser, which boasts a larger GNP than half the nations on the planet, allegedly plans to construct a Super Store north of town in the near future.
One thorn in the side of planners is the likely presence of the empty facility which now dominates the North Main skyline. City and county sources agree that vacated commercial spaces are bad for a town’s image and often scare away potential investors.
“We can tolerate the closures of a few small businesses downtown but when a large structure like a Wal-Mart sits empty it reflects poorly on the entire community. Imagine if City Market just pulled up and left a derelict facility in its wake. The results could be catastrophic!”
Wal-Mart bosses insist that no plans have been finalized for the construction of a new store but many say privately that it’s all just a matter of time.
“We’ve dealt with objections before…all over the country,” said a spokesman from the company’s corporate offices in Bentonville. “Some are well organized, some are even militant but sooner of later we get our way. Sure, we’ve decided not to go into an area due to organized opposition but generally that is dictated by simple profit and loss potential.”
The well-timed gesture of creating affordable housing could win the support of fence sitters here as well as provide the merchandiser with much needed tax breaks to go along with tax incentives already in place.
“We are exploring the possibility of condoizing our current location to provide living space for over 400 families,” said the source. “In a perfect world they would all be employees and never have to leave the premises, but we expect that others would be welcome too. Right now the project appears insurmountable but it’s amazing what a little paint and some curtains can do,” she added.
After lengthy discussion it remained unclear whether building codes and multiple family use restrictions would be affected by the plan. In addition, further considerations as to cooking facilities, proper ventilation and the effects of artificial light could send the proposition back to the drawing board before it has time to get off the ground.
“None of these preliminary maneuvers represent anything close to a done deal,” said the Wal-Mart spokesman, “but with all that asphalt out front at least parking won’t be a problem.”
– Suzie Compost
Mother Nature Completes Anger Management Classes
(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes, drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.
“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one instinct and emotions counselor who says he enjoys thunderstorms.
Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and access to former associates the wind and rain.
“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people trashed your yard?”
Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant.
Lights Out for Big Box Chains?
(Pea Green) Every cloud must have a silver lining. The sluggish economy has forced the closure of many big box outlets nationally, with many local chains feeling the strain.
This morning Wal-Mart, Target, Home Depot, Denny’s, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Kroger. Safeway, Pet Smart, Applebees and Pizza Hut announced that they were closing up shop here and moving on to greener pastures.
While the news received mixed reaction a majority of those polled will not be sorry to see these mass merchandisers leave town.
“Where will all the chronic consumers go when their temples are boarded up?” asked one downtown merchant. “Maybe they’ll realize that they don’t need all the junk these pirates offer them.”
The immediate problem centers on what to do with the skeletal edifices hastily constructed by these massive corporations. According to a feature article in this month’s Vacant Lot Magazine, the abandoned buildings can serve useful purposes for the community.
“In Iowa one town took possession of an abandoned Wal-Mart and turned it into an ice skating rink while a Taco Bell on the West Coast became a senior citizen transportation office,” said the piece.
“They love the fake Mexican architecture but who cares as long as they don’t wander off and get hit by a train,” said one caseworker.
The article goes on explaining how a Pet Smart in Maryland was sold for scrap and how land, once covered in asphalt, was reclaimed by farmers.
While city officials worry about lost tax revenues, social scientists see the development as a breakthrough for humanity.
“Big box stores and chains bleed a community dry all the time in every locale,” explained one mental health worker. “Our priorities have been all wrong. If we intend to get the country back on track, we must work for the common good. I myself welcome the homeless shelter in what was once a Subway.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Sales of Ukrainian flags surge as Archangels reportedly seen in Kiev
(Warsaw) People all over the globe are clamoring for Ukrainian blue and yellow flags, representing the country they firmly support in its defense against Putin’s sociopathic attacks on her people.
Sales are off charts and the flags can already be seen draped and hung from Switzerland to Singapore. PUTIN HAS BECOME TOXIC reads one headline Russia a
In a virtual scene that some associate with Scripture people have reported seeing a band of Archangels fighting alongside Ukrainian troops. These sightings have yet to be confirmed by sources inside Ukraine.
Meanwhile brainwashed supporters of the war don red MRGA caps and confront demonstrators in Moscow. Police have arrested thousands of anti-Putin Russians sine the war began on Thursday.
In the us Putin supporters have been quiet. Are they finally ashamed of their behavior and their paper demagogues?
For more oil this please turn to God Sanctions Lucifer and the Dark Angels threatening two turn the newly formed nation of Hell into a pariah state for the ages.
