DUDE NEWSPAPER SEASON BEST ON RECORD

(Ouray) The San Juan Horseshoe is reporting staggering profits after completion of its third Dude News Session held in July and August. The 2-week seminars give newspaper buffs the opportunity to get a little ink under their fingernails here in the computer age.

     Participants, who must apply for the minimal spots as early as April, undergo the pain and joy of real news men and women. Deadlines, logistical nightmares regarding circulation and subscription correspondence and layout are covered. Perhaps the most useful experience is in the dude ranch venue where students actually herd advertisers into a pen for branding.

     “That was my favorite,” said Bennie Ratshoe-Hummingway of Clovis, New Mexico. “How they got all those people in that small veal shoot is beyond me!”

     The regular staff enjoys a slight break from the tedious too. Many prefer to spend lazy afternoons sitting around the camp jug shouting encouragement to the tabloid rookies.

     “We just chill and let these overachievers overachieve,” said darkroom analyst, Earl MacAdoo. “Last week we ran a Bad Blood Drive in Crested Butte where residents mooned everyone and we took photographs. Before that we had a campfire feast where we charged our clients in a grand fashion and served them only humus and choice of Guinness Lite or tepid ditchwater. Staying on top of food cost is everything these days. Branding, or bovine tattoo handicraft as we like to call it, was optional.”

     The management of the paper feels that corporate America needs to find out how jerkwater operations like this paper are carried out. Survival techniques, social skills and alcohol control are a side-effect as is extensive vocabulary use.

     “And all of our delivery wagons run on methane gas, taking advantage of the hayseed culture that’s all around us,” said MacAdoo.

-Fred Zeppelin