FEDS BAN STOOGES FILMS ON MILITARY BASES

(Fort Carson, CO) The United States government, reportedly located somewhere in North America, has banned the showing of all Three Stooges films from its environs. The action comes on the heels of violence associated with the trio and a concern for the continuation of strict military discipline.

According to commanders here, the use of pliers on noses, the pulling of hair, indiscriminate slapping and the volatile old poke in the eye trick have become serious problems of epic proportion.

“We want to nip this one in the bud before we end up apologizing to Congress on the subject of collateral damage again,” whooped and shuffled one master sergeant. “Personally I’ll miss all the shenanigans,” he explained, biting down lightly on the ear of an unruly airman before smacking him upside the head with a framing hammer.

While banned on military installations, the Stooges films are still legal on civilian turf. Already several off-base clubs have opened up featuring Larry, Curly and Moe along with the other more traditional barracks entertainment.

“It’s a regular renaissance of stupidity,” beamed the sergeant, rivaled only by American foreign policy since World War II.”

 -Small Mouth Bess

CLASSIC CARTOONS FEATURING BRUTAL DECAPITATION

1. Sylvestor and Tweety Pie in “The Guillotine”

2. Betty Boop in “Bloody Mary”

3. Woody Woodpecker in “Genghis Khan on the Block”

4. Daffy Duck in “Dissected Duckling”

5. Tom & Jerry in “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre”

     -source Heads Have Rolled by Melvin Toole,

      Carnage Brothers, Boston.