Driving privileges on Hwy 550 regulated by first ever state lottery

The Colorado Surname Alphabetic Highway Lottery has been implemented any day now due to motoring chaos on the antiquated byway of Highway 550, that runs from Montrose south to Bernalillo, New Mexico. 

Persons wishing to use the road must do so only on the day stipulated by the first letter of their surname. At present names that start with A-F will be permitted on the highway while G-K will have to wait until Tuesday. Names beginning with letter L-P are looking at Wednesday travel and names that start with Q-S can drive on Thursday. Friday will see a smaller contingent of drivers whose names begin with T-Z.

Weekend jaunts will be determined by letters too but registered by the time of the day. For example, if one’s name begin with A-F he will have to travel between 7am and 9am while a special raffle will limit the T-Z grouping to 6 pm – 8 pm. Two-way drives and return trips will follow these guidelines as well. Hyphenated names and persons using aliases should ask their insurance provider before venturing out on their own.

CDOT computers on Confront Range, often determine traffic flow and illogical passing zones with no discernible geographic familiarity. Most, like so many from east of the Divide, never make it past Salida. Tourists, leagues of working persons and a burgeoning population of new denizens rely on the skinny road to get from place to place. Local residents in pursuit of services, not always available to them in their smaller burghs, join the parade, bringing about further consequences minus solutions.

“Even though it appears to be an intrusion of personal rights, state highway experts insist that in time it will create a much more pleasant experience for all motorists and fewer accidents and fatalities,” said Grendle Grasse, of CDOT and sponsors within the Western Slope salvage industry.

“It has come to this,” she added promising that the “sweepstakes” will run through Labor Day.

Of particular concern are speed traps at Dexter Creek and the Poor Farm, and the four-lane stretch along Colona’s skyline. Curves east of Eldridge and along the Uncompahgre northwest of Spud Hill.

“Many of our summer visitors are city dwellers used to four-lane roads,” added the above source. “They have trouble with our hick highways often becoming frustrated and making bad decisions. People are generally ass holes when they get behind the wheel so we must tailor our route to accommodate anti-social behavior and recreational vehicles too.”

A winter break in the action on Red Mountain Pass

“Used to be just Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank that presented classic fears but now it’s the whole shooting’ match,” barked one commuter who drives from Whitewater to Telluride five days a week for work.

Expanded law enforcement squads will be issuing summonses to anyone illegally driving on days other than his designated day. This includes bicycles and RVs but not horses or gelded and self-contained ORVs.

Persons who do not know their last names or have yet to master the alphabet can verify their status at one of the many checkpoints riveting the mountains and mesas of Region Zen. Bring your checkbook.

Sadly, many of the same persons who refuse to be vaccinated against Covid say they will not adhere to the restrictions in that it intrudes into their personal freedom.

Meanwhile rants emanating from the State House could be heard all the way to Silverton.

“Hey, it’s our damn highway and we’ll do what we want on or near it. If we can condemn land, reroute traffic, blow up canyons, lay meth chloride and patch spring chuckholes with black toothpaste then we can surely reserve the right to refuse service to anyone who is acting inappropriately —driving when it isn’t his day to drive.” said a canned statement in reference to priority criticism regarding the construction in Blue Creek Canyon in Gunnison County.

-Tommy Middlefinger