All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

Snoring in Church Annoying At Best

To: The faithful

From: Rev. Phil Pharisee

Subject: Disruptions in the process of salvation

As much as I hate to bring it up I am acutely concerned with the lack of discipline within the ranks of my fruitful congregation. One Mr. Martin Ballywagge, a newly immersed member of our flock in Ouray, has, through no fault of his own, upset the ox cart, tipped the scales of righteousness and even rocked the boat during a moving chorus in Rock of Ages.

Let me give you a little background on Martin.

It was not, so far as I can determine, with the arrival of adulthood that Martin Ballywagge, an black Irishman in good standing, developed his chronic nasal maladies. He’s had them all of his life as his doctor Hugh Piller has assured us. By the time he was 8 he had snored through his first three years of academic life, constantly disrupting classes at Harry S. Truman Elementary back in Moline. The teachers complained to the principal who then complained to the parents who turned to Dr. Piller who prescribed drugs. Unfortunately the drugs only put little Martin back to sleep, a condition which encouraged more snuffling and snorting.

During one Sunday evening service (we didn’t get enough that morning) Martin snored his way through 3 hymns, 16 baptisms, 25 confirmations of faith and my well placed sermon as to the dangers of propane fumes.

“Maybe he’s allergic to something inside the church,” said Mary Ouana, who hasn’t had a drink in three months and looks great, although she still doesn’t have a date for New Year’s Eve.

The next day we scrubbed and polished the pews, vacuumed the drapery and went over the carpet with a fine tooth comb. We collected $3.87 in change and found a gold wedding band, lost by the late Abner Silvers back in 1989. The deceased (hit by a Rainbow Tours bus on his way the gym on his 97th birthday) had no heirs and the orphaned ring made its way to the collection plate.

Last Sunday the crisis deepened. I had just completed a soul-searching epistle on religious tolerance and magazine subscriptions when one of those pushy Baptists knocked on the back door. Since the congregation had already fallen asleep I answered. It was Parson Edith Quelle who complained of snoring coming from the back of her tabernacle. She identified the noisy culprit as our Mr. Ballywagge. Was he attending services at the Baptist church too? Was he stepping out?

Then Wednesday night, just as I finally got the that night’s gathering off to sleep, Ballywagge stumbles into the front pew. He crosses his legs, tilts his head, adjusts his coat and wanders into dreamland. This time his snores were like an earthquake. The entire temple shook. It sounded like a rogue freight train that had all at once gotten a spoonful of that old time religion.

In no time he had woke up Sarah Camarone, who was imprisoned for embezzlement in 1994, and disturbed the aging Clyde Shrapnell, a former member of the Ku Klux Klan. Then to make matters worse his nasal explosions chased the sand from the beady eyes of Doris Maltfeather, a retired exotic dancer and left Roberto Guerrero, a Columbian terrorist sponsored by the church, frighteningly wide awake for the duration of the service.

I have written to my bishop and even recommended Martin to a hypnotist. One pagan lost soul, whom I met at a ecumenical barbecue last summer, may have provided a temporary solution. Active in an unidentified Eastern religion, where chanting, banging and an accomplished brass section are an integral part of the services, the monk has offered to take Ballywagge off my hands in return for Saturday parking privileges in our lot.

Until that day I hope that you, the faithful, will persist in angelic patience and use the earplugs which I have placed in your stations of worship. Now go back to sleep.

Study for a career in weed management

(Montrose) The Montrose County Extension Service has announced a dramatic increase in the demand for qualified weed managers in this region. The lucrative field of weed management has expanded recently due to the ability of various strains of weeds to survive everything short of nuclear attack. This high-paying, low stress, career has developed in response to the growing problem.

“We need an entire generation of educated warm bodies to thwart the onward march of weeds and their allies,” said one extension agent. “If we don’t do something about the weeds today they will be at the gate tomorrow.”

Several powerful Western Slope weed families have defied all attempts to eradicate them, with one or two even surviving ditch fires and air strikes by the 1st Armored Crop Duster Brigade, based at Pea Green Field.

“We surprised them (the weeds) at dawn and let them have it with everything we could muster,” said Col. Wellington Bulbous, Adjunct Commander at the underground airfield. “It was really beautiful, man. The napalm climbed high into the air and the strafing had them all sitting back on their heels. The place was black with the smoke of our terrible, swift swords.”

However, after an hour long barrage, even Bulbous admitted that the attack had been less than successful, as most of the weeds survived and continued their stranglehold on the more respectable plants in the immediate area.

“We need to find out how they are doing it,” said Bulbous. “The next step is a sweep of the region and some down-home interrogation. We’ll get to the root of this problem even if we have to blow up the rest of the planet to do it,” he said. “I really don’t care either way. I’m just happy that I finally have a place to wear my camouflage outfits.”

-H.L. Menoken

Major Advertisers Look to Mega Trials For Exposure

(New York) Some of the biggest spenders in the national advertising arena are pushing for access to high visibility trials it was disclosed today. Citing the Comey Hearings and the recent Sessions sideshow as lost revenue, the powerful money folk vowed to open new avenues in an attempt to sell their products.

“The television networks are behind us,” said Bunny Ears, Executive Director of Day in Court, an organization made up of Fortune 500 advertisers. “First of all we want the big trials televised, then we want to buy time on the broadcasts. Football just doesn’t produce enough blood to reach the more modern TV consumer.”

Toole assured reporters that the process would start slow with subtle messages displayed throughout the courtroom.

“We could have a beer ad on the judge’s bench and a promotional dispatch featuring laundry detergent on the backs of the juror’s chairs,” explained Ears. “Further marketing pleas could emerge in such wasted spaces as the court reporter’s shirt or on sandwich boards outside the chambers.”

Some officials like the idea saying that advertising revenue would cut the cost of trying an accused felon.

“Take the classic Theodore Kaczynski case and the Terry Nichols hearings. Look at the Carlos the Jackal trial in Paris,” said one prosecuting attorney. “Look at OJ and Cosby. The public has a right to watch the play-by-play in their living rooms.”

Of course there are trials that would be hands off, like a recent British Nanny acquittal.

“There’s very little money in nannies,” said Ears.

– Rocky Flats

The beat goes on up north

Thanks to Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine

EPA bigwig says oil spills are good for us

(Washington) Despite longstanding clean water and toxic air limitations the newly restructured Environmental Protection Agency has broken ranks with former colleagues and presented mounds of data to support its get tough relationship with the host planet, Earth..

Calling oil spills “organic” one EPA bureaucrat who came to work today likened the man-made disasters to good grooming in people. He eluded to tree huggers jumping the gun saying that oil floating on the sea kills harmful bacteria and detours predators like sharks and jelly fish from contact with humans.

EPA spokesmen storms the Potomac beach at Montross, Virginia to discuss oil spills and sand with local media.

“These spills are like Vitalis or medicinal hairspray for your scalp,” explained the agency spokesman. “Oil cuts salt content in the sea making it better to drink the water. It’s kind of like petro-salinization without all the work. Oil spills are completely organic and stress on wildlife and water quality are simply collateral damage.”

The source went on to describe the infinite benefits of modern petroleum drilling and transport of crude. He suggested that citizens would not be happy if they can’t buy gasoline or embrace petroleum-based products such as plastics and many recreational goods.

“Oil-stained fur on bunnies and petroleum-feathered birds are not our concern at this time,” said a recent EPA press release. “We have other fish to fry.”

“In a world of black and white this is clearly black and white,” said an activist quoting the current Clean Air Act which blames industry for 93% of all oil-related accidents since 1990. “Will we stand idly by as these wealthy derrick pumpers dictate policy?”

The activist went on to say that the combination of money and arrogance has created a dangerous climate where safety and competence take a back seat to expediency and often a blind eye.

“These oil companies think they are bullet-proof because they have been exactly that over the past two decades. They would rather be fined than spend money up front on prevention.”

An undetermined number of EPA employees vocally support the agenda empowered by the Trump Administration but none is willing to put opinions in writing. Others acquiesced, mumbling about paying lip service to keep their jobs through the next 3.5 years. 

In closing, the EPA says it will not undress accusations that a Congressional white wash spill has closed commercial ports all along the Atlantic Seaboard, bringing maritime commerce to a stunning halt on Monday.

– Fred Zeppelin

“God must love stupid people – He made so many of them.”

– Abraham Lincoln

Air Guitar Academy Closes Doors

(Escucha al Monte) The Solo Air Guitar Academy, a social fixture in the region since 1955 has announced its closure effective tomorrow morning. Calling the event unfortunate, sources there say the program was simply a victim of the times.

“Kids today are far too abstract to be entertained strumming the air and pressing fake cords for hours no matter how much they like the tune,” said one instructor who has worked at Solo since it’s founding.

Called Berry Institute at the time, in honor of late rocker, Chuck Berry, the musical program has undergone little change since that time holding on tightly to traditions and showing a stubborn streak when it came to adopting new techniques, especially the use of 8-tracks and cassettes, then digital recording and ipods.

“Air guitar is air guitar,” stressed another instructor who embraces a more classical approach to the musical mime. “Either you have faith or you don’t. Everyone fantasizes about being the lead guitar picker or even fingering the bass. People today expect to be entertained by outside stimuli like television and the internet. They don’t have time for this kind of nonsense, at least in a social regimentation.”

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)The cost of season or single Bronco tickets is no longer covered by most health insurance programs. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own, cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

SWAT Team Responds to late flies

(Ridgway) The local volunteer civilian SWAT team has released figures on its celebrated autumn fly offensive of 2016, which stretched, at high water mark, from Cow Creek to Elk Meadows. Confirmed kills number in the tens of thousands. In Carne Canyon alone the orange-clad troops told of heavy fighting and a complete defeat for the bothersome insects who, affected by recent cold weather, seemed listless and slow to react to assaults.

One local red crack told The Horseshoe that all the commotion was disturbing the local bear, many whom already suffer from acute hibernative interruptus. He called on all sides to cease hostilities until the spring.

In a related piece the local chapter of the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution is hosting a rummage sale to benefit operations along the border with Latin America. With over 4000 members patrolling the stretch between Nogales and Naco the UDAR hopes to raise $20,000 to purchase lemonade and cookies given to refugees in the Sonoran Desert.

Huey Long Demands Recount

(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.

Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalo Phil Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.

It is not known how long Long will be in town.

Judiciary Contest Winner Announced

(Crested Butte) Little Melvin Toole of Irwin has won first place in the 2017 Judiciary Contest sponsored by the local civil liberties union. Toole, 6, took home $300 for correctly defining habeas corpus as the right to stand before one’s accuser and the right to protection from unlawful restraint.

The second place finisher Marigold Swami of Crestone defined habeas corpus as producing a dead body while three others said it was a lusty, hummus-like porridge favored by those of Scottish origin.

In the final tally 35% of those participating said habeas corpus was a disease common to wild boar while almost 50% said it was the name of a Roman Emperor. One woman told us it was the name of a popular Durango micro brew.

In addition to the cash Toole will receive an Attica basketball jersey and a free boat trip around Alcatraz Island.

– H. L. Menoken