All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Senator calls for more security on Wall
(Sterile Sands, AZ)) More guards may be needed to protect the expanding Trump Wall from pilfering says Senator Quincy Chirpe (GOP) of West Virginia. The call for increased vigilance arrives as chunks of wall were reported missing this morning along the entire US border with Mexico.
Poor people south of the border are using the easily accessed material to build houses. The porous structure, haphazardly built and improperly aligned to prevent erosion and water damage is an expensive diversion that appears unable to stop refugees from crossing at will.
“The Wall will keep out airplanes too and boats and…socialism and bad people and…” – Senator Chirpe of West Virginia says wall will be built of coal.
“We see this monument to stupidity as just another Trump fantasy that was never meant to function at any level other than pandering the president’s shrinking base,” said Rep. Alice Carbonfoote, a Democrat from Charleston. “Wasn’t the control of migration the original idea behind this monstrosity?” she asked before being threatened by wall work crews, angry that they had not yet been paid promised wages and blaming their fiscal desperation on “swamp-dwelling liberals”.
“We will probably have to build a wall around the wall to protect the wall,” said Chirpe. “Fortunately we have Russian backing and an unlimited supply of bricks. We also have a horde of trigger-happy militias intent on blood,” he grinned.
The bird-legged Chirp has received much notoriety after promising his constituents that the entire border barricade would be built of West Virginia coal. A loyal Trump ally since the Obama Birth Certificate Scandal, Chirpe was the inspiration for the Gold Brick Program where enthusiastic supporters of non-existent immigration policies can write their name on the concrete barrier for posterity and $500 cash (no checks).
For more information on how you can support corruption, ignorance and racism go to www.wizardwall.com and make a pledge.
“This beautiful, terrific and wonderful wall on the Mexican border has been so successful that we’re building another intergalactic wall to protect us from space creatures and comets,” bragged Chirp. “It will stretch from Venus to Pluto and be constructed of good ol’ West Virginia coal, too” said Chirpe. “But we won’t start on that one until after the 2020 election. Even President Trump can’t do everything for our country in so short a time.”
In a related development: fumigators were observed at the White House again Friday for the second time this week. A revolving administration staff source insisted the claim was fake news despite thousands of photographs to the contrary snapped by on-site security cameras.
– Sally Peaches
Reader Survey
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1. Explain your aversion to authority.
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7. Which sport do you most prefer?
a.) poker
b.) cock fights
c.) mud wrestling
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Martian Studies Program Propels WSCU
(Gunnison) In response to countless contacts with intelligent life on Mars, progressives here at Harvard-On-Tomichi have created the first intergalactic studies curriculum. Responding to early gov’ment admissions that Martians have been to Washington (as early as 1988) Western State Colorado University will offer an undergraduate degree in Martian Studies as early as January, 2021.
Already other notables in the scholastic arena have stiffened up and taken notice.
“I thought they just taught skiing at Western,” said one Adams State professor. “We’d better keep an eye on enrollment over here in Alamosa or we’ll be losing students. Hats off to free thinkers in Gunnison. Frankly we never thought they had it in them.”
Oddly enough WSC has oversold tickets for the winter, accepting more students than ever before.
“We followed a pattern developed by the airlines,” said Phil Cheroot, of the Admissions Office. “Students who do not get a seat for the semester will be given vouchers to attend elsewhere until a spot opens up. It’s testy but it beats empty desks and fiscal deficits.”
Meetings between Martians and WSCU faculty have been reported up Ohio Creek, on W Mountain and at Hartman’s Rocks. Although no exact minutes were recorded, the subject of language requirements and academic credits are thought to have been the priority. A Martian Information booth has already been set up at the student union.
“Up until now we haven’t spent a penny due in part to strong alumni support on the part of the Martians,” said Dr Margaret Steed, a fellow heading up the Intergalactic Studies Department. “They even paid for the coffee.”
Critics say the school should have been more open with these early plans to involve aliens.
“They are right,” said Cheroot. “We admit everything. Who cares? We have packed houses from Taylor Hall to the tennis quarts. Success is sweet. There is a twisted joy in turning away students but 4500 is our absolute limit.
“That won’t hurt efforts on the corporate level,” said Cheroot. “We are negotiating with Martian culinary officers at the moment,” added the administrator. “Although many prefer the traditional meal of beans and rice on the Red Planet.”
Meanwhile students who have decided to or are planning to major in the said field can look forward to four years of grueling study capped off by a year “abroad” at one of several Martian universities. The tough language requirement washes out 70% of the freshmen who often look to accounting, journalism or pre-law as disappointing substitutes.
“Nonetheless we expect to graduate at least 100 qualified Martian expert by 2025,” said Steed. “Maybe we’re going out on a galaxy here but the package is far more innovative than Sociology of Significant Strata, Introduction to Arctic Psychology and/or Methods of Keynesian Finance, leading scholastic agendas over recent decades.”
It was not clear if Western would play any of the larger Martian universities in football in 2021.
HIGHWAY PATROL LANDS WEATHER CHANNEL
(Montrose) Starting November 20 the local Colorado Highway Patrol will have access to the Weather Channel. As a result it is hoped that road reports will become more current. In the past if one called the police agency for an updated road report he was forced to accept one from yesterday, or the day before.
“Hey, if you don’t believe me, try it for yourself,” said Melvin Toole a former city pencilman, who slid off Red Mountain in the ice and snow last week after a Highway Patrol report of balmy temperatures and dry conditions all the way to Aztec.
While no one wants to be maliciously critical of an agency that does most things right, the road reports have been a thorn in the side of those of us who must travel these arteries for a living. When someone has to drive to Salida on Friday they really don’t care that the road was dry on Thursday night.
“With any luck at all the dispatcher or other responsible party will have the Weather Channel on at all times allowing a concise and up-to-the-minute appraisal of mother nature at all times of the day and night,” said Toole. “We hope that soap operas and old movies, offered on the local cable system, will be off-limits.”
Prior to this development callers were most likely to hear a recording warning people not to drink and drive and to wear their seat belts.
“The agency has responded appropriately,” stressed Toole who added that DUI arrests would continue to be chronicled on the financial page of your daily newspaper.
– Rocky Flats
TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS
(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Federal Daylight Shavings Club (Aka Mule Deer Time), the Ouray Town Clock will now keep the exact time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing each evening before bed.
“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers. They may not know the ropes but they all have all kinds of ropes around here.
Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the vertical task when the clock runs short of juice.
“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray although there appears to be little difference in these destinations in July and August.”
– Melvin Toolstoy
Yesterday I was chastised about Trump by an 86-year-old woman on small town plaza in Colombia. Later I realized she was guilty of the same close-mindedness as his supporters. Not in the fact that she didn’t like him, but in the fact that she had to break everything down into black and white so as to partially digest the issue. She presumed my politics to make it easier for her tiny brain to function. It was easier than cooking up original thought. Ignorance comes in many colors and languages.The rest they puke up when they think no one is looking.
Garbage company cans service till spring
(Montrose) A longtime waste management company has suspended service here until spring. Citing colder than average conditions and the rise in garbage identity theft, sources with Bella Trash Inc. (formerly of Gladstone) say working man’s comp claims and the threat of lawsuits over security have forced their hand in this matter.
“Our personnel have been tardy or absent altogether on colder days. Who could blame them?” said a prepared press release found under a box of Argentine merlot in our lovely yet pretentious brick courtyard this morning.
The news was a shock to the San Juan Horseshoe, which in one week generates more organic debris than Bedrock, Paradox, and the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita combined.
According to voiced concerns, criminal elements have been seizing garbage and selling data and addresses to solicitors even though they said they would not do so.
The action has no connection to a controlled sewage leak aimed at killing noxious weeds before summer, said the release.
– Charles U. Farley