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Uncompahgre To Run South in November

(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the seceretive Department of the Exterior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 2010.

The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until  November.

“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this Ouray County place existed. There are no movie theaters, bowling alleys or It’s really nice but what do the people do in the winter?”

The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.

“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors commercials.”

– Uncle Pahgre