All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
BLM relocates to manage land
(Bland Valley) The Bureau of Land Management has moved to Grand Junction so as to be closer to the millions of sagebrush acres that it now manages. The transfer will bring some 30 quality jobs with it plus it is expected to create several more.
“The impact will be soft and subtle but in time it will have a major affect,” said Otto Ptarmigan, executive director of executive directors for the executive director. “One of the bigger benefits will occur when the satellite jobs and support networks begin to emerge.”
The move has caught many residents unprepared. Some say they welcome the BLM as a good neighbor while others see the bureau as just another top-heavy ball of red tape sucking tax dollars as it goes its merry way.
“The idea of situating a rural/free range institution in the city when its main focus is elsewhere is ridiculous,” agreed Smiley Frouwn, of Palisades. “We can accommodate the BLM and the employees can enjoy a more relaxed, natural lifestyle.”
Some 65% of local residents polled welcomed the move while a startling 28% admitted that they had no idea how men and women driving around in pickups could manage so much as a clump of sagebrush.
“The government knows best and always has,” said an official press release. “The BLM is accountable for trees and bushes too.”
– Susie Compost
For an updated version of this story see “Woman Bites Marmot – Fined by DOW”
Police Brace for Super Moon
The first known Super Moon is slated for September 20 in front of 1800 Pennsylvania Ave. Some 7000 people will pull down their pants and aim at the White House as a sign of their distaste for “El Mentiro de La Frontera”
Catered by Capital Meats, Pressed Ham on Glass, Depends, Arlene’s Cosmetic Surgery and other elitist Washington entities the event is invitation only. Participants must be cleanly dressed, quiet and show proof of lunar ascendency.
“Vendors are welcome. Drive-by photos will not be tolerated,” compressed Wardine Culo, Executive Director for Moonlight Serenades Ltd. “No fireworks, glass or dogs will be admitted. Air cover is will only be called in if we are overrun.”
Extremists on both sides have threatened to disrupt the event, listed in the Top Ten Things to do in Washington This Week flyer. If mooner numbers are higher than Trump’s 2017 Inaugural figures a grandstand and a second shift will be added.
Anal-retentive protesters are reminded not to climb trees or attempt trespass on White House grounds during the production and when the mooning draws to a close.
Billed as The New Boxer Rebellion by media outlets in support of the Republican agenda, the Super Moon will be duplicated at each of Trump’s Casinos and golf corpses every Sunday until November of 2020.
“Mooning is socialist,” said Republican senate leaders. “It would never be tolerated in Moscow.”
In other blockbuster summer news: Yes, Jesus is coming back this summer but he’ll be staying in Canada due to gun violence in the United States. After a rally in Vancouver a two-day visit to the child holding tanks on the Mexican border will replace a previously scheduled stop at the White House.
Meanwhile many Americans still believe Richard Nixon was innocent of all counts in the Watergate Scandal of 1973, says a recent Faux Nuze poll. Of these some 21% say liberals railroaded the man, 13% don’t recognize the name and 6% think he’s still in office.
In concurrent polls: 93% of FOX viewers believe that Donald Trump (of windmill cancer fame) is Don Quixote. (82% of those pronounced the name Quicksote, had never heard of Cervantes. Of that control group more than half said La Mancha is a giant burrito at Taco Hole.)
“Jousting with those evil leftist windmills is a great diversionary tactic and the entire Trump Administration has been armed with 9-irons to do just that,” says Faux defiantly.
Then there was the blown newscast that reported ICE was defeated – They meant to say ISIS. It could happen to anyone.
And I thought The Horseshoe was stupid.
-Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole
Irish court delays construction of RTP compounding plant
Frank Esposito
The Irish High Court made the decision on July 30, according to an email update from Save Our Skibbereen (SOS), a local group that has opposed the plant. The decision also was reported that same day by the Southern Star newspaper.
Local zoning board An Bord Pleanala (ABP) consented to the decision. ABP had approved the project in late November. The main ground for the court’s decision, according to SOS, was that the screening by ABP for appropriate assessment was in breach of requirements laid down by the European Union’s Court of Justice in 2017.
RTP, a major global compounder, first proposed the plant for Skibbereen in late 2017. Skibbereen is a town of about 3,000 less than 10 miles from Ireland’s southern coast. The 16,000-square-foot plant would create as many as 40 new jobs.
Traffic Banned on Dirt Roads
(Ridgway) Due to complaints from new residents here all traffic will be banned from dirt roads until further notice. Citing dust as the main culprit, the petitioners, many from the freshly paved worlds of the suburbs and the cities, say they did not realize the inconveniences and potential health hazards when they purchased their property.
Parties excluded from the ban are strictly local traffic and service vehicles necessary to insure the New West lifestyle. It was not known how other citizens will adapt to the measure or how long they will be forbidden to traverse the effected by-ways. Either an ID card system or official tattoos are expected to be employed to identify the good folk from trespassers.
“You better keep an eye on that long-haired nut.”(referring to Bill McSorely’s friend and regular customer, Czech anarchist, Hipployte Havel) said a cop to McSorely, proprietor of the famous McSorely’s Old Ale House in Manhattan in 1935.
“Why?” asked Bill.
“Hell fire man, Havel’s an anarchist,” continued the cop. “He’s in favor of blowing up every bank in the city.”
“So am I,” said Bill.
High Country Tidbits
Vacant Lot to close doors
(Montrose) Vacant Lot Magazine, for years a leader among local publications, has announced it will publish its last issue in November. Good management blamed the failing and ultimate closure on bad management. The crisis was intensified by the poor distribution of vacant lots on the Western Slope, a chore that demands lots of drive time and makes travel quite expensive.
Citing public apathy toward the kinds of vacant lots featured in their meaningless stories the staff expressed shame at not doing a better job and anger at losing their high paying positions.
“All the public wants anymore are more stories about truckers driving backwards and mountain lions. It’s all very sick,” said an attractive, young photographer who plans to sell prints of her award-winning vacant lots shots, and engage in occasional prostitution, until something else comes along.
Some of us plan to kill ourselves but most have decided to look for a no-responsibility position locally,” said a former editor. Where’s a guy like me going to make $90,000 around here for writing a few architectural reviews or history crap? There are just too few vacant lots to make a go of it anymore,” he whined.
Another annoyance comes wrapped in political correctness. The gov’ment defines vacant lot as a small piece of property, generally within the confines of a city or town that was once developed but is now abandoned. In urban areas it is often blacktopped while in rural areas often goes to seed, weed or feed, unless it rains.
Just overnight Vacant Lot could no longer cover vacant lots that were not technically vacant lots.
“That just about did us in on its own,” said the editor, “but then when you consider the changes in the industry it’s a wonder we’re paying the light bill. * “Everything is four-color fluff these days…No real guts! No depth. The package is nice while our paper stands, stark naked, one grade above the kind you find in public rest rooms, and besides, vacant lots have always been a black and white kind of thing. They rarely result in slick textures and crisp color layouts.”
*In truth Vacant Lot owes San Miguel Power about $2011.98 from June and July.
Making Fun of Tourist’s Legs Could Net $50 Fine
(Silverton) People who laugh at or ridicule the legs of summer visitors here could face a steep fine and, in aggravated cases imprisonment according to Colorado Brie Country, an organ for the state tourist industry.
Already in July there have been over 20 tickets issued on Greene Street alone. On Blair Street/Empire the number is significantly less, at least after dark while there have been no recorded incidents elsewhere in the town.
“We had some bum hanging out near the courthouse for a few nights but, as it turned out, he didn’t care about tourists’ legs,” said a CBC source.
The tickets, which look like everyday parking tickets are quite popular as souvenirs and, in fact, are sold in many of the shops here. Money collected from the enforcement of this statewide edict will be handed over to charity.
Just what constitutes a punishable laugh, mockery or derision is still unclear and up to the discretion of the police department.
“We will make few exceptions when dealing with this kind of behavior,” said one officer.
“It’s about time the state officials did something about this kind of thing,” said a woman from Manitoba whose legs resembled twice-frozen broccoli spears.
“Sure is!” chirped a stork-like older gentlemen from the Black Forest.
“For years we’ve suffered through with our tormentors growing stronger by the day,” added another visitor, “I just wish the old folks were here to see this day.”
-Atila Diggins
The Pea Factory Dialogue:
“How are you doing, mister,” he says
“’Day,,” says the man, his share of thin hair as sere as the marram grass.
“Listen, tell us,” says Eneas, “do you know why there’s them peas all over the strand?”
“Eh?” says the man.
“The feckin’ ould beach is covered with peas, do you not see them?”
“Ah, yes,” says the man, “of course that’s the factory.”
“The what?”
“The pea factory up the river. Don’t the leavings of it come spilling down here? We’re so used to them we don’t see them.”
-from The Whereabouts of Eneas McNulty by Sebastian Barry
