All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
BEAR WATCHING FULL TIME AFFAIR
(Ouray) The bear came over the mountain. Then another, and more. Soon, as the autumn whitewashed the San Juans, that garbage bins, dog food dishes and apple trees were the main attraction. An evening walk would likely result in a sighting of another hungry, generally docile, beast on his way to dinner. Residents wondered when and if the animals would ever go to sleep.
Take a walk on the wild side…After dark in the alleys of Ouray one is more likely to see a bear than another human, well almost. In an attempt to review these occurrences we have collected some of the more colorful accounts of the season.
Let us appreciate and not judge the mighty bear. You try feeding a family of porky 300-pounders on roots and berries.
“At just about dark on September 23 I went out to check on a splashing sound in my hot tub only to discover a large bear soaking. I went back into the house for my camera but when I returned he had vacated the premises. I only hoped he had not gone into the woods to recruit more hairy party animals. All he left behind was a badly worn towel.”
– W. Sammy Carpe, Whispering Pines
“At just about dusk on a Friday night in late September my wife, Gwen, and I were grilling and sipping on our fourth and final gin and bitters when a small cub wandered right into the yard and pushed over the Weber. Before I could day Jack Spratt he gobbled up two tenderloins and
was off. Fortunately he didn’t get the Yorkshire pudding, or our pet Yorkie for that matter. Nonetheless dinner was ruined, Duckett’s had closed and we were forced to subsist on head cheese till morning.”
– Colonel Abshite Pitt, 6th Grenadiers, 2nd Street, Ouray
“It was the middle of the night. I heard a crash in the kitchen. When I got up I saw a large hairy beast at the sink eating salami. I figured it was my husband, Earl, in his black silk karate robe. I went back to sleep. In the morning I awoke to quite a mess and remembered
that Earl had been away on business in Colona the previous evening. What an experience!”
– Madalaine Crab-Leggit, Dexter Creek
“It was almost dawn on October 2. I went out for my daily ritual of checking my marijuana plants only to find a mature male bear eating them. I clanged a few pans together to scare him off but only when I fired off my sidearm did him scram. The damage was done. It looks like I’ll have to survive on cheap whiskey all winter.”
– Gloria Minske, no address given.
“It was broad daylight. I was on my way out of the post office when three adolescent bears approached me demanding spare change. Looking around I realized I had no backup so I handed each of them a dollar. Later I received an unfair lecture from the game warden. Three bucks is better than the alternative.”
– Walter Gold Elochs, Camp Bird Road
“I had been to the dinner at a friends’ one night and decided not to drive home. I went to lock my pickup only to discover a sow sitting behind the wheel. I just kept walking, making a mental note to stay off the Campari and to roll up the windows of my truck from now on.”
– Sly Kodiak, 6th Avenue, Ouray
These eyewitness chronicles represent only a fraction of the bear sightings in Ouray this fall. Do you have one to share? E-Mail us at sjh@bearscat.com.
Nostradamus Saw Short Skirts, Bottled Water Craze
(St.-Remy, France) Way back in the 1550s Michel de Notredame, better known as Nostradamus clearly predicted skirt lengths, computers and the bottled water craze. Although many suggest that his forecasts were vague and open to a variety of interpretations most experts cannot deny his precise prognosis of 21st Century cultural phenomenon.
Written off by some as a simple soothsayer whose obscure presumptions were made more to entertain the French court of Charles IX than to augur the future, the prophesies of Nostradamus continue to surface, delighting some and confusing others.
According to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the infrequently prestigious Cal Amari Institute Nostradamus was a run-of-the-mill astrologer and rogue physician willing to write prescriptions at the drop of a hat.
“His only real talent seems to have been the ability to be weird,” said Pennywhistle. “He would enter a room trance like and begin speaking as if from another soul making ambiguous, often insolent predictions about the death of kings or the success of future grape harvests. Many people bought his program just like they do today. I’m not saying it was an act,” continued Pennywhistle. “I’m just saying he employed the drama of the ancient Greeks with the timing of a Yiddish vaudevillian.”
Although skeptical, Pennywhistle readily admits that Nostradamus was right about many of his forecasts. In 1555 after publishing his prophesies in verse form in Centuries he began to dwell on the mundane, preferring to talk about meaningless cultural behaviors rather than earth stopping developments.
Pennywhistle sights a host of predictions within the realm of popular culture suggesting that Nostradamus was pulling someone’s chain and making a killing doing so.
“The man actually charted changing skirt lengths from 1830 to 1955 seeing what appeared to be only a fashion statement as a presage to war, economic conditions and morality. He saw the rise of the computer but failed to buy stock in Microsoft when it was still cheap,” said the doctor. “Later, just before his death in 1556 Nostradamus told the French to invest in plastics insisting that soon plastic will rule the world.”
Researchers agree that Nostradamus was never successful in attempts to foretell the end of the world but he may have predicted the rise of Adolf Hitler and penned the lyrics in the Beatle’s album Magical Mystery Tour.
“There is evidence that he hit many of history’s nails right on the head, “said Pennywhistle. “But let’s leave those truths in the hands of the supermarket tabloids and talk radio hosts.”
After centuries the astrologer’s ability to predict the future remains as cloudy as ever. Was he a gifted sage, a receiver of random information from the heavens, or was he just another show biz charlatan on the way to the bank?
– Alfalfa Romero
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
1. Estimate the number of unemployed astrologists living in Paris in the 16th Century.
2. Was Centuries ever available to the general public in paperback?
3. Did Nostradamus ever suggest effective methods for disposing of plastics?
4. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about his half-brother Claude?
5. BONUS: Conjugate the verb nostradar.
MATH CORNER
Accepted Formula for one’s chances of being hit by bird shit at 8,000 feet. (pajaro de negro malo lo arrojar).
X – Y (ab+cd) = 41.7 @ka+ka x # foliage…{thinner air/@ cloud cover} x2Q = xy-/wind > vindictiveness/ per cubic foot. Sunlight available for targeting – Wind velocity + relative moisture = tropical inversion quotient.
Keep Moving + Under awning/strawhat [6 + 5 + 4] x square root of feathers and wings = plop/snowy white on my shoulder x {3<4.^ = 65.7} x water content + intent.
For more email us at www.damnsturdyumbrella.com
Seat Belts Could Get Expiration Dates
(Denver) The state of Colorado has decided that not only will it honor expiration dates on everything from lampshades to canned goods but will push for legislation placing time limits on safe seat belt use.
Seat Belts have survived for ten or twenty years without official examination for side effects or tainted conditions. Trusting motorists often cruise along unaware of the mounting dangers.
“The gov’ment is still your little buddy,” said one highway patrol officer who won a trip to Disneyland for giving out 100,000 citations for seat belt infractions in August alone. One Grand Junction man received over 70 warnings before he got smart.
“What we have here is a serious matter of lawless consumption peppered with a dwindling respect for the law. Automotive restraining devices must be checked daily for wear. Everyone must cooperate and look the same on the road,” added the veteran officer who once gave his mom a ticket for slouching behind the wheel.
Consumer advocates , slow to respond to the seat belt crisis, say that air bags are their current focus. Champions of social homogeneity say most drivers don’t realize that the bags must be checked for pressure just like tires.
“A flat air bag is of no use to anyone,” said one source behind the cosmic meat counter. “The days of cheerful Gomer Pyle full service are over. Today’s motorist must familiarize himself with tread capacity enhancers and basic tire gauges. Theses can be conveniently stored under the seat adjacent to handguns.
In a related development, the U.S. Mouse of Representatives voted to suspend expiration dates on bottled water for the remainder of the session but to stamp a temporary restrictions on the consumption of aged scotch whiskey and old British gins.
“If there’s dust on the bottle throw it out,” said one millionaire legislator from South Dakota. “Sure it’s a senseless overture but it’s a matter of placate or perish. How else do you think we can get the corn bill passed this year? We expect all this to die in the Senate anyway due to allegiances to the Crown. The last thing the gentry there wants to do is upset Buckingham Palace right before the World Series.”
Meanwhile seat belt violations mount up with the criminal element recalcitrant to their own protection. In Montrose for instance, a 98-year-old, one-armed grandmother was cited for failure to display a seat belt on her wicker chair while operating a propane fly swatter at 2998 Yapping Dog Lane.
Later the same day three illegal aliens were ticketed for improprieties regarding minimal restraining apparatus on an unregistered concubine near LaSalle Road. The list goes on. Bears in Ouray seem oblivious to the law. Residents of Telluride have been issued permits allowing leash laws to compensate for lack of adherence during parking maneuvers.
And finally, in what could become the precedent for future enforcement, the Colorado Department of Health has sealed off the men’s room at Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Feedlot Mobile Home Park. Sources there say patrons have been in violation of safety codes there since the Spanish-American War.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”
– George Bernard Shaw
