All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
CRESTED BUTTE CHESTNUTS
CBMR to purchase “feeder college”
Crested Butte/Vail Mountain Resort announced plans to purchase Western Colorado University as a feeder facility by the end of the month. Although details are sketchy it appears that the ski resort wants to assure the presence of skier days and provide a place to educate the public as to space charges.
“We don’t know what space charges are but we’ll be offering an academic explanation real damn soon,” said Dr. Ethel Marmotbreath, coordinator of the downhill acquisition. “The formula is elusive but has something to do with the multiplication of .0175 by the number of college grads flipping burgers in the Gunnison Valley. Now when students cut morning classes they can buy a half day ticket and nobody will tell their parents.”
Feds allocate millions in search of Buttheads
Despite an image as No Clone and anti-stem cell research, the White House has put aside an additional 3.4 million dollars earmarked for canine potty control in the nation’s ski towns. At present the research has bogged down and proponents of the program now say they’ll need more money to finish the job.
“What began as a ridiculous result gov’ment meddling has now stranded itself in the alleys and vacant lots of towns like Crested Butte,” said Rocky Flats, blueprint specialist attached to the Department of the Exterior. “It’s simple…Either we extend cleanup efforts or go right to the source of the problem. Normally we can skate through March but on a light snow year we could all be up Shiite Creek.”
How or if local dogs will be hermetically sealed and subject to inspection was not discussed but Flats, who made millions marketing marmot dung as the aphrodisiac of the 90s, the program will give new meaning to “the big dump”.
Interested parties can offer their input by stopping by the departmental offices located inside the Pooper Park Chalet anytime between now and Valentine’s Day.
NORTH POLE RESIDENTS HOT UNDER COLLAR
Holiday stress takes its toll
(Prince of Whales Island) It couldn’t have come at a more difficult time. Christmas was in the air; deadlines were nailed on the wall. The holiday crunch was breathing down the necks of elves and reindeer, of Santa himself. That’s probably what did it.
It all started when Red Sayles advertised reindeer on the menu over at the Arctic Cafe. He bragged about fried reindeer, reindeer stew, even escalloped reindeer. It was supposed to be a joke, to lighten things up prior to the madness but it backfired. Lines of reindeer picketed Red’s place, not only disrupting his lucrative trade but also causing a void in the local work force over at the sleigh barn. The word is that Red won’t take down the signs and the herds continue to protest his political insensitivities. He hasn’t sold but little of the featured items either.
Of course, if the Yuletide muscle teams don’t have enough to worry about, their self-imposed leader, Rudolph, is victim to reoccurring ego trips. He has apparently attempted to get his fellow reindeer to pledge allegiance to King Rudolf. He has fashioned a system of whistles and mirrors so as to better show off his nose, and he insists on landing first on each and every roof, so as to be the primary subject of every child’s sleigh viewing.
“It’s bad enough we have to haul the fat boy around all night,” said Prancer, a soft-spoken reindeer, of unidentified gender. “Then we have to listen to Rudolph giving orders. It’s enough to make me go back to work in the tundra fields.”
The reindeer aren’t the only ones upset with the size of Santa.
“Hey, it’s not like we pay first class for sleigh rides,” said Groppo, an elf of low degree, “nor is it a matter of spending the night delivering presents with the old fart. It’s just that he takes up so much room once aboard. There’s no room for presents so we have to follow the main sleigh around with smaller orbiting sleighs. Besides, we spend a lot of time testing his sleigh for safety. It operates great when he’s not bogging things down.”
Many elves insist that Santa doesn’t listen to them.
“Just because we like body piercing and smoke cigarettes (94% of elves smoke at least four packs of cigarettes per day) he turns his back on us. We settled with the tobacco companies. Santa (himself an elf, though a non-smoking one) got his piece of the pie,” continued Groppo.
“You’ve no doubt noticed how television portrays the average American male as an overweight, stupid, football mad, infantile, suburban sheep? Santa passes us off to other cultures in much the same way only he paints us with tobacco juice on our chins, rings in our noses, and a pint in our back pockets. It’s not so, not these days anyway. He thinks he’s the big kahuna, the don, the Norse king. Well, he ain’t. nothin’ but an elf who was in the right place at the right time.”
Other elves say the wedge with Santa has to do with poor test scores.
“Sure our test scores are down from a few years ago but most of us have to keep a second job to survive. I deliver pizzas. My kids work at the car wash. My brother takes tourists for snowmobile rides,” said Rasputin, a skinny elf with a dark beard and beady eyes.
“Most of us can’t even afford a ski pass even though the ski areas are located on public lands,” added a third elf, named Elsie. “We used to sneak on to the lifts disguised as kids but deeper voices and facial hair give us away these days. Even us women.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
UNDER THE TREE 2018
Live, from the revolving Libido Lounge high atop Pogo City, it’s our annual Christmas Gift Idea Exchange. Featured in this tasteful, yet eccentric catalog are wonderful suggestions for holiday gift giving and receiving. Many are produced by local inventors and available regionally.
SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 Ralph’s New Age Western stores.
ICE CLIMBING VINE – Just like the one covering the outfield walls at Wrigley Field! Fast-growing, this incredible bit of vegetation will survive in the harshest of climatic conditions. Needing little or no sun the vine crawls its way up any icy surface. It’s a fine gift for the ice climber or botanical enthusiast on the way to the top. Sold by the foot and ankles.
FLAT TIRE IDIOT LIGHT – Finally a useful auto accessory – plugs directly into alternator and is activated by excessive bumping. Perfect for the mindless driver or the person too lazy to check air pressure before a trip. Caution: apparatus will not function if alcohol odor is detected. About $40 installed.
UROLOGIC BOW TIE – The key here is size and the Urologic Bow Tie is purposely out of proportion. It’s so small it makes everything else seem much larger. Microscopic tie clasp and cuff-links sold separately. No implants but minor surgery required. Gift certificates available. St. Roscoe’s Hospital and the Mao Clinic. About $400.
ASSAULT SNOWBOARD – Is there someone on your Christmas list who takes his winter sports seriously? This snowboard is glazed with a mercury-based oleo concoction that assures immediate takeoff. Restraint device attaches directly to the brain for one’s ultimate safety. Stores easily in any large refrigerator unit. Complete with prescribed storm trooper’s footwear, this board is all one needs to carve out a chunk of territory on the slopes. Buy one this year before the feds ban these babies too. For sale at Sub Kulture’s and all Yo Dude Stores. $899.
DANIELLE STEEL COMPANION READER – Do you know someone who has a tough time getting through anything longer than a menu? This reader presents setting, plot, characters and lavish wardrobes in simple, easy to read one-syllable words. From the outside it looks like a regular book, but when it is opened up the larger than life letters jump right out at you as do the full color renditions of significant scenes. Comes with CD or cassette support. In stock at Maggie’s Books. $25.
THY NEIGHBOR’S SILVERWARE – This is not only a very innovative approach to Christmas, but it reeks of subtle frugality. When choosing the proper heist make sure all the stuff matches and is clean. A gift box for the spoons, knives, forks and other pieces can be fashioned from a rectangular jewelry box, which can often be discovered in an upstairs bedroom. As with many of the more creative hands-on Christmas gifts, the silverware concept can vary. Many people prefer to present the utensils in an oak or pine box with a felt liner, while other more utilitarian benefactors simply wrap the merchandise in a swath of linen or just some newspaper and be done with it. Available right next door or down the block. Petty theft guidelines apply.
TIDEWATER GERRYMANDERING WRISTWATCH – Made entirely of tobacco leaves, this low-tar timepiece keeps precise count of hours, minutes and even seconds as eternity slowly passes on some front porch in North Carolina. It operates solely on GOP Standard Time, which is defined as the period after the War Between the States and before civil rights legislation was passed in the Sixties. It’s the perfect gift for the obstinate Senate Foreign Relations Committee member, or for the tobacco executive with those deep, deep pockets. Available at better jewelry stores and tobacco shops. $299.99
HILLBILLY HEAVEN FERTILITY KITE – No self-respecting hilljack should go a-courtin without this gem. Just let out some string and watch her take to the skies. Guaranteed to attract the attention of the opposite sex, as well as water fowl and other game birds. Custom attachment fits right over the family shotgun or can be grounded on bib overall snaps or moonshine stills. No prescription needed. Kite designs come in various shapes and colors. Sold exclusively at all Snuffy Smith Boutiques. $50.
TWINKIE CAR PHONE AND DECORATIVE CANDLE ENGINE HEATER – Security is the name of the game these days and this kit is sure to confuse the car thief or the back seat driver. The phone mounts right to the dash, looking like a discarded Twinkie. The engine heater candle fits right under the oil pan and ignites when the temperatures drop below zero. What a gift for the motor head. Coming in January: The Trash Bag Car Stereo, a disguised audio system that appears to be nothing more than a litter bag. It even has a quart of milk and coffee grinds sticking out of the top for affect. $129.99.
DEMOCRAT BACKBONE JERKY – The ultimate lobbyist’s snack for the holidays comes in a woodsy box or tin. Every month a new batch turns up via the U.S. Mail. All told, the jerky package should last two years. Chow down as you watch elected politicians do nothing about the national debt, welfare and crime despite the sweet talk during the last election. Want to get a turkey out of the White House this holiday season? This could do the trick. Available at all Nelson Mandate Polling Booths and at Packer’s Meats in Lake City. Order before December 23 and receive a miniature Hillary Clinton Doll at no extra cost. $88.99 for two year supply. Slightly more with limited term legislation. What a gift for the petty partisan or the dreamy-eyed incumbent on your list.
CLOSING TIME COLOGNE – Radiate the seedy side of life. This perfume doesn’t attract much of anything, since the recipient of this gift will smell like a stale, smokey bar. Why spend all that money trying to be somebody? Now you can achieve that loathsome odor right in your own bathroom! Comes in pint or quart for overkill. About $3 in the lotion section of your favorite liquor store. Sorry: No sales over the bar.
PERSONALIZED CRIME BILL – This official government issue comes framed and signed by the very people who are taking care of things down at the Justice Department. Hang it proudly, knowing full well that you and your family are safe. Comes with 9-mm pistol just in case. It’s the ultimate in criminal repellents. $200. Unframed version sells for about 50 cents.
FALSE EYEBROW SET – Most versions are offered at 1/2 price during the Yuletide season. Imagine the fashion statement when you waltz into the room wearing just one eyebrow. Easily installed, this gift comes in a variety of sizes and colors. One fits all the way across the forehead. Another appears to grow from the hairline or nasal passageway. Doubles as a bushy mustache in a pinch. Quasi-Cosmetics. $15.
INVISIBLE WEDDING/ENGAGEMENT RING – Perfect for the man or woman who is not yet ready for a commitment. This simulated gold band reacts to hormonal changes and biological needs by disappearing with the slightest hint of sexual response. Then, after the party is over, it shows back up on the ring finger and everything is all right again. Why let occasional weekend passion ruin a sensible, lasting relationship during the week!
TROUT GRAVY HELPER – This useful gift basket comes with a variety of mixtures including sage trout gravy, salmon egg surprise and garlic endeavor with chives. Not recommended for fish-on-a-stick recipes or flash-boiled kokanee. Just add river water and enjoy perfect gravy every time…especially in camp. Industrial strength potion actually disintegrates bones, scales and head and leaves nothing but a delicious filet. $19.99 for gift set. Sold exclusively at Sporty Sports.
REMOTE-CONTROL EGGPLANT PERUKE – Just like the ones worn by our founding fathers. With this fine addition bad hair days will be a thing of the past. Fits most heads and even stays in place during high winds and other periods of natural disaster or mental anxiety. Made of 100% Canadian eggplant fiber with built-in remote control that keeps locks in place. Resistant to climate change. Organically pleasing too. $300 at Hats are Thats.
ATM CLUB – This handy device keeps crooks at bay while making a cash withdrawal. Fits firmly over ATM machine just like the one on your steering wheel. Endorsed by real policemen and people who dress like them. Detects bad intentions after dark. Most effective when used with large caliber pistol or mace. $75.00. Mail order only.
GEMCO INDUSTRIAL BLENDER – This baby works on pumpkins, squash, melons of all sizes, even basketballs. Stirs, purees, whips, mixes, frappes and liquifies. Makes juice out of anything round. What a party favor or an addition to someone’s culinary collection. Traveling version fits snugly into the average suitcase. Solar model available soon. $17.99 at Ridgway Hardware.
VAMPIRE NIGHT LIGHT – Got a kid on your list who’s afraid of the dark? Buy them this reasonably priced gift and really scare the hell out of them over the holidays. Protruding eyes follow movement and blood drips from the fangs. Plugs easily into any electrical outlet via easy access bat collar. Hums popular Christmas carols in Transylvanian. This stocking stuffer is sure to get someone’s attention.
DUST MITE TERRARIUM AND PERSONALIZED COFFEE CUP – Remind someone on your Christmas list that we are not here alone. Includes millions of busy dust mites in simulated dust particle enclosure. Lid features radioactive microscope certain to detect the behavior of tiny mites at work and at play. The coffee cup displays a large dust mite on both sides and is engraved with the name of the recipient. Give the gift that says you gave a gift this year. $150 at Mighty Mites and all Bugsy’s Boutiques.
MOTRIM MODEM – Just dial the right number and your headache takes a powder. From the people who brought you Target Eye Massage Field Glasses. About $100.
DEAD DICTATORS SING CHRISTMAS TUNES – This wonderful CD represents a tasteful mix of Yuletide favorites. Included are Joe Stalin, Papa Doc Duvalier, Anastasio Somoza, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon and others. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Nikita Krushcev’s rendition of Deck the Halls backed up by the Fidel Castro Memorial Quartet. $16.95 where specialty music is sold. English version slightly higher.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Canadian Geeks Seen in Local Skies
(Cimarron) Schools of Canadian Geeks can be seen in our skies this time of the year as they make their way north from winter stomping grounds in Arizona and California. Interested bird watchers can view the species in the early morning and at dusk as they search for patches of Canadian thistle, a main source of protein in the geeks’ otherwise junk food diet.
The Canadian Geek can be easily identified by the novice observer as he often dons bright, clashing attire and punctuates his sentences with an inquisitive “Eh?” When in larger formations the geeks are known to honk uncontrollably for reasons known only to the flock.
Nature enthusiasts are warned to avoid approaching these birds during ice hockey season as they often become aggressive and are prone to fist fighting. The annual migration of these geeks is generally completed by the completion of the Stanley Cup competition, a popular culinary event which celebrates excellence in Canadian cooking through the ages.
OTRA APOLOGIA DEL GROPPO
Nos hemos cansado de extender estas disculpas estacionales a Groppo el Elfo y su batería de abogados, pero en el espíritu de los días festivos llegaremos a lo más profundo y trataremos de desordenar algunas plumas una vez más.
En primer lugar, vamos a aclarar las cosas. La breve pieza que apareció en la edición de noviembre sobre la herencia de Groppo fue, sin duda, de mal gusto. Además, realmente no teníamos fotografías del elfo con ganado local, aunque nos aseguraron que ese era el caso. Las huellas, como parece, desaparecieron la noche antes de que se pusiera fin a este problema y nos vimos obligados a sustituir una historia sobre el difamado esfuerzo de Spar City y algunas imágenes en color de Melvin Toole que colgaban las luces navideñas. de nuestras muchas prisiones locales.
Las referencias repetidas al abuso de alcohol de Groppo se presentaron fuera de contexto para no poner en peligro la reputación de los ciudadanos locales que, en la mayoría de los casos, parecen ser capaces de manejar tres hojas al viento sin incidentes. Las implicaciones de que la estatura física y la capacidad mental de Groppo son el resultado de su dieta de escarabajos bombarderos, twinkies y pasto de pantano digeridos mientras crecía en Kenner, Louisiana, es cierta. Esta acusación se puede verificar hablando con el dietista del elfo.
Además, los intentos de cobrar daños de esta publicación por parte de la familia de Groppo son infundados e ilegales. Nunca dijimos que su familia inmediata era solo drogadicta, que los habitantes actuales de su árbol genealógico eran drogadictos y drogadictos. Tampoco dijimos que eran alcohólicos, ya que la mayoría son borrachos de vestuario y su comportamiento público, aunque sospechoso, no puede ser registrado.
No importa todo eso. Vamos a dar la mano y parte como amigos, Groppo. Después de todo, realmente no eres peor que la mayoría de nosotros, especialmente cuando se ve a través del filtro de color rosa de la Yuletide.
– Editor
Late Hibernation Going as Planned
(Placerville, CO) The annual mammal hibernation, staid and migratory, is going quite well this year. With just a week left in the season some 95% of fur-bearing animals are either asleep or dozing.
Although most biologists confirm that the driving force for the great sleep is instinctual some suggest that fatigue, boredom and lack of hunting options play a major role in the behavior. Bears and other larger species often exhibit symptoms common to other control groups when it comes to the stress of the summer and fall periods in the forest.
The bear are exhausted trying to fill their immense bellies on tiny berries and roots while carnivores complain that the prey has all but vanished on icy slopes and frigid woodlands in the Rockies. Underneath feet of snow life is not all that exiting either.
“They might just as well sleep,” said one Forest Ranger who plans to stay awake for the winter. “Somebody has to watch place. Even in an emergency it is no walk in the park to wake up a dreaming black bear.”
United States Forest Service and the Colorado Fish and Game officials are taking most of the credit for the smooth transition. Increased signage in the woods, easy access to caves, decrease human presence following hunting season and information leaflets dropped in the high country have contributed to an effortless hibernation this year.
This has not always been the case. Before the USFS leapt onto the scene in the 19th Century it was chaos. Confusion and dread lead to anger and violence when food was scarce and caves were contested.
“Some bear actually wandered over the mountain to see what they could see and all that,” said the ranger. “We are the wards of these creatures and we intend to steer them correctly, even if it means a new toothbrush, warm pajamas and, yes, that drink of water in the middle of February.”
– Paula Parvenu
