All Entries Tagged With: "Colona Gerrymandering"

Colonese Accused of Gerrymandering

     Unidentified persons in the town of Colona are suspected of manipulating the boundaries of this constituency to favor the Know Nothing Party, which disbanded some 100 years ago. Sneaky back door maneuvering has been going on since the gov’ment threw the Tabeguache Utes out back in 1881. The former site of what was then the Los Pinos Agency has been coveted by East Colona Company heirs who have threatened to occupy Buckhorn Heights and Lower Billy Creek unless they get their way.

     Then came the dirty gerrymandering incident.

     I don’t know no Jerry Mander or nobody,” said one of the many flowing burgermeisters in the municipality. “He must live up on Log Hill”

     Progressives here favor putting the town’s fate in the hands of the Know Nothings, an anti-German and Irish Catholic immigrant party in the 1850s, which they contend is more in keeping with the general state of politics in the county. Moving streets around, changing fence lines and replanting trees in an attempt to confuse voters is against a host of visual impact ordinances according to complaints received at the state level.

     In response to the growing threats most Irish and German immigrants have relocated cross the Uncompahgre River to wait out the storm. One can hear their constant drumming and smell the aroma from large fish fries held nightly to remind the often lethargic public of their predicament. 

     “You let in one gerrymanderer and pretty soon the place is lousy with them,” said one resident who wants things left alone. “The next thing you know we’ll have legitimate town government. If that happens I’m moving to Canada.”

     Both sides have scheduled a meeting at the Colona Roadhouse, which sits directly on the proposed redistricting line. Politicians set things up that way back in 1899 so that each district could have its own bar.

– Small Mouth Bess

Dog Catcher leaves town, tail between legs

     An ex-dog warden, who many believe is the Missing Link has vacated his blockhouse and appears to have left town as of this morning. The speedy escape came as angry peasants demanded relief from dog shortages in the town. It has been acknowledged that pet to human ratios have fallen well below acceptable levels since late winter and many blame the former dog catcher for cuts in canine services.

     Some say funds as well as bags of dog biscuits employed to entice new litters to town have gone missing and the poorly evolved passage of new leash laws has been held up in Congress.

      Police are certain that the departed pooch duper is the Missing Link. He is wanted for crimes against humanity and a bevy of parking tickets.Readers may recall a January story in The Corral a high speed chase through town after which police thought they had corned the Link behind the old slaughterhouse. However, after a three hour standoff it became clear that he had eluded their grasp and slipped over Log Hill. It is no secret that they would like to collar him and have increased surveillance on the Utah border and have stepped up frisk stops on tourist in an attempt to apprehend their slippery prey.

– Dinty Moore

Boycott sends shock waves 

(Beijing) A three year economic boycott of Chinese goods in Colona is being blamed for the recent credit market’s freeze up in the world’s second largest economy and most populated nation. To some it may seem ridiculous that a consumer statement on the part of one small town could make such an impact.

     “They all thought our efforts would be insignificant,” said Bill Spooner, an organizer of the standoff, “and now the Chinese banks won’t lend each other so much as a chicken egg roll. We knew that if we stuck together, if we persevered,  our message would reach pay dirt.”

      According to a story in the Beijing Bee“the town of Colona and its sister city of Ratnapura, Sri Lanka have done irreparable damage to the Chinese economy by passive aggressive methods of bargain basement exclusion principles. Their grass roots sanctions have tipped the trade balance and taught us all a lesson in micro-economics.”

     In an attempt to smooth feathers, the People’s Republic of China has repeatedly sent emissaries to Colona only to find the rank and file hostile to their advances.

      “We just don’t speak the same language,” said Spooner.

-Alfalfa Romero

Colona Train Schedule

Morning: No train

Afternoon: No train

Evening: No train

“Joyce may have been a perverted but at least he never wrote bad country music” – graffiti we found on what must remain of an ancient rock wall somewhere in the green meadows of Connemara. The only literary validity here is hinged to a local custom of writing humorous graffiti that really made little sense, but then it did.

-from Sullivan’s Tavern, Bay Ridge, 1896.- Testasterone Brothers Press