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A HIKER’S GUIDE TO HIKERS

with Melvin O’Toole

     One of the most dangerous threats to hikers on our mountain trails is other hikers. From National Forest to State Park, from Wilderness Area to mountain peak, growing numbers of hiking and backpacking enthusiasts are creating perilous conditions for themselves, for you and for posterity.

In a natural outdoor situation it is essential to identify various types of hikers, so that you might better understand how to interact with them, or get away from them altogether. Avoidance of certain species of incompatible hikers (called trekkers in more anal circles) may save your life or save you from an afternoon of unremitting anguish.

Learn to spot all kinds of hikers from a safe distance, identify them with rapid-fire accuracy, and be prepared to take evasive action to avoid detection and/or direct contact, “No I don’t want a drink of tepid creek water from your saliva-caked water bottle. I have my own cold water from town, sans parasites, safe here in my designer bottle.”

Here are some of the more common categories of hikers. The well-rounded woodsman will be quick to assimilate these classifications into a early warning system of his or her own:

The Elegant Hiker

Able to negotiate steep, winding San Juan switchbacks in high heels and a cute tennis skirt the female looks good on short hikes but the make-up fails on the longer jaunts. Characteristic markings: jewelry glittering from the fingers, earlobes and neck along with the perfect unruffled hairstyle are sure to attract predators such as mountain lions and even bandits.

In some cases the male dons priceless treasures too since he is concerned with plumage and first impressions in the woods. Both ascend and descend the trails like ballrooms, as if they were negotiating a grand staircase in a Yvonne de Carlo film from the 40s. (Apparently Rhett they do give a damn). Head held up high in designer boots, they fail to study the path before them for all kinds of debris both dangerous and simply annoying. These are the kind of people who are appalled by a pile of elk shit but aren’t the least bit offended by miles of parking lot asphalt poured over former pasture, at their local shopping center.

NOTE: The Elegant Hiker NEVER ever perspires. In a hiking costume that costs more than a used car, they keep up if it’s not too steep and breathe deep if it’s not too high. Mountain Goats and Bighorn Sheep are safe when one of these comes gingerly up the trail. Bears love the cheap jewelry. These hikers are likely to invite you to party at their loft and often carry credit cards on their hikes.

The Slob Hiker

The perfect antidote, or anecdote, to the Elegant Hiker. The Slob Hiker is perpetually unshaven, grimy, uncombed and in need of a shower. He or she thinks bad hygiene is compatible with the forest. His gait is heavy, a stomping, assertive, destructive stride patterned after Godzilla or an oil exploration crew. He appears to have just awakened from a long hibernation and smells the part. Trailside wild flowers are often his first victims.

White t-shirt and canvas shorts are tinged gray with wear and age. Grease-stained handprints are clearly detected. This type of forest visitor can be identified by a strange call, a hoarse bellowing that sounds tragically like a badger in heat, which could lead to countless tribulations as the hike goes on. He loves to chatter to himself on the trail breaking serenity for others while he points out painfully obvious points of interest.

“Look! A pine tree!” or “Look… A rock!” He pees everywhere. This hiker is loaded with spittle which is discharged constantly, leaving signs of his presence embraced by pack rats and deer flies. The Slob Hiker is happy to take your picture or pose for one. Watch your camera.

The Survivalist Hiker

This one would never think of breaking trail without an assault rifle or at least a pistol holstered to the side. High caliber is the key here…not his person but his weaponry. His pack is full of ammo and he has a K-ration granola bar hidden away in case of emergency. He carries a knife or bayonet for potential hand-to-hand combat with aggressive alpine creatures or topographic terrorists.

Difficult to detect due to a barrage of camouflage that blends well in any environment – be it the Iraq desert, the Congo rain forest, the Rockies or the chic El Lay hip-hop disco, this person carries enough to win whatever competition he has imagined. He has provisions and supplies enough to feed a small militia along with buried emergency rations and backup gear to keep him comfy in the forest for about three years. Then there is the cyanide pill in case he or she is captured.

Away from his bunker he is often anxious and clearly nervous when approached. He can be unpredictable and downright ugly when it comes to right-of-way on the trail and electric storms on the ridges. Paranoid people like this should not go into the woods. They should stay home in the cities and suburbs where the secret police can monitor their daily activity.

The Name Brand Hiker

Easily recognized due to his or her resemblance to a pretty  LL Bean or Eddie Bauer model from the respective catalogues, the Name Brand hiker should not be confused with the Elegant Hiker although the species share many irritating, albeit common traits. The manufacturers label is always proudly displayed on clothing, footwear, gear, hats and even socks. A T-shirt proclaiming Old Navy, Nike or GAP completes the outfit.

Rarely seen on the actual trail, this hiker prefers to stay home, read shallow outdoor magazines and shop on the internet. Name Brand hikers also exhibit the best smiles, the best tan, the best canteens, the best dogs and the best cars to take them to the trailhead. Their Day-Glo packs are crammed full of unnecessary but tasteful accessories along with clothing options for any change of weather.

These mountainy strollers can be easily identified by two unmistakeable traits: They are the only ones wearing fanny packs (apparently nobody has let them in on the joke) and they actually consume boring handfuls of trail mix, chocked full of nuts, seeds, roots, bark, herbs and dried fruit that even the local squirrels and trail chipmunks won’t eat. Some of these folks are marginally valuable, more informed than experienced in that they have read the guidebooks and perused local topo maps.

The Back-woodsy Hiker

Aka: The Ascender, this hearty breed not only tackles the most challenging, death-defying trails and summits but does so with a minimalist demeanor. He or she can spend up to a week in the wild with just a bottle of water, a toothbrush and some crackerjacks. He climbs in flip-flops or barefoot, running circles around the hiker that just spent $300 on some glorified flatland Chinese footwear, made for the mountains.

He could repel off a sharp cliff in Kansas or stare down a Grizzly on Bienville Street.

He welcomes the feel of rocks, pine needles and horse manure on the trail. When he wears a shirt it is a bit of tattered memorabilia from some masochistic triathlon in Leadville or Maui.

If he wears trousers, they are of the cut-off variety with lots of room to hang loose. Not to be confined by packed gear he or she relies solely on wits, finesse and luck. For the evenings this backwoods species carries a Swiss Army knife, a pair of backup thongs, a few waterproof matches and a bota bag filled with homemade wine.

He can then subsist on the trail mix and water all day then let it all hang out in camp by adding wine to the fare. With this beverage he can survive another few days, with no serious after-effects, when the crackerjacks and toothpaste run out.

Helpful in a tight spot but likely to leave you behind. Always has the answer, or at least a light.