Earth is sole planet says Vance

“And global warming is no threat”

(Middletown, Ohio) Vice Presidential hopeful J D Vance told a group of intergalactic oil drillers here that earth was indeed the only planet in the solar system and that their efforts at oil extraction in outer space were good for America.

     Saying that “God told me” Vance went on to discount earlier findings that the solar system was crammed with heavenly bodies.

     “Show me one place in the Bible where they talk about Mars or Martians invading the earth,” said Vance, to a chorus of laughter. He quickly turned serious then added that with the Martian threat gone the administration could now focus wholeheartedly on the War on Liberals. Silence.

     The Kentucky denied allegations that his comments reflected a conflict of interest due to former associations with the oil industry. Frowns.

     “Back when I was at the helm in Ohio we were subjected to the same kind of harassment by narrow-minded people who think the earth was created to be preserved. What nonsense. I don’t remember reading about any environmentalists crossing the Red Sea or fighting with the Philistines.”

     Again Vance got a throng of guffaws, mixed with tearful laughter.

     When asked about Martian landings by unmanned spaceships and an assortment of high tech photos that have been collected over the past five years Vance said that he could not answer in that the activity in question was a matter of national security.

     “I’ll say this: He smiled. “If I was a passenger on a United Airlines Flight to Disney World I’d be far and away more comfortable with Donald Trump in the cockpit than I would his Democratic challenger.”

Vance ignored countless questions by reporters as to his immigrant status, that of one time Briar Hopper turned Buckeye.

– Sergio Jingle